The Glade 4.0

Some of you know I've been in Big Brothers/Big Sisters for several years now. My little brother has turned into an idiot over the last year or so. He was never a strong student. I did what I could to encourage him the first couple years but his mother never reinforced it and I'm sure part of that is she probably doesn't feel confident instructing him on his work. I believe this to be the major cause of the current problem but I don't dwell on it because its not part of the solution. He's been scholastically lazy for the last few years and it's hit critical mass now. He's a junior in high school.

3 weeks ago, he was failing all 6 classes. We had a meeting that started with my wife and I, his mother, and him. We yelled. We encouraged. We offered help. I physically threatened. We had another meeting with most of his teachers and counselor. They all said he could pass. His counselor says 2 summer school classes and an extra math during his senior year will be necessary to graduate on time.

He now comes over to my house 3 nights a week. He shows up to my work when I get off. We drive to my college and he sits in a common area and does homework/make-up work while I'm in class. We drive home, eat, and work out. He does homework when we're not doing those 3 and doesn't get to bed until well after 11pm. More often than not, I'm not doing my own homework and losing incredible amounts of sleep because I'm tutoring him and/or checking his work to ensure its quality before he turns it in. There's also the money I'm putting toward this in gas and food. This is also impacting my work schedule. I don't begrudge him any of this.

Now he's strongly passing one class and barely passing the other. At least two others I feel confident he can pull his grade up enough for him to pass. His English class is the problem. His teacher says he needs near perfect grades on everything remaining to pass. I thought he was required to read one book and write a critical analysis of it for the final paper. I just learned this final paper has to be over the previous 3 books he should have already read.

He's not a strong reader. He isn't what I would consider functionally literate. I was prepared to push him to read one book, take notes, and write a quality paper. There is just no feasible way for him to read 3 books, take notes, and write papers in the remaining 3-4 weeks of school on top of doing all the other make-up work for the other classes. So I've requested the teacher talk to me over the phone to make sure I understand everything correctly.

If I weren't in school, I'd be full-on ready to push him to do what he could for English even if he were still going to fail. I just don't have the time and I can't keep going 4-5 hours of sleep during the work-week. It's taking a toll on my body and mind and killing my motivation for my own school work. If his teacher says he needs to read the three books, I think I'm going to recommend throwing in the towel for that one class. There is a good chance he will not graduate on time if this happens, which, pushes the chances higher that he will drop out and just get a G.E.D. The military is likely the career path he will choose regardless.

I'm just not sure if I'm about to advise the right thing that's best for him or if there's another avenue I'm missing and the public school counselor isn't suggesting. I'm not a parent and I've become one in the last 3 weeks. Could really use some advice/criticism/encouragement.

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The Dude abides.

First off I'd say that what you're doing is commendable. Second, I'm sure that the "physically threatened" bit will raise some eyebrows, but you've got to do what you've got to do. Third, how much longer is this going to go on?

I think that if you go the GED route, I'd strongly suggest that he be made well aware that his earlier choices have limited his present choices, and the GED option is no excuse for him to throw in the towel.
The reality is the if the military is his choice for the future, and having a GED creates no hindrance for him there, then that's not a failure. Hell, a GED vs HS diploma is only relevant for a brief window anyway.
I really think the main lesson that can be gained for him is that his choices have repercussions, and that he not give up, even though it looks like he won't achieve this goal.
Your part in it will, of necessity be constrained by how much longer it will go on, and how much longer you can take it, and he should be made aware of this as well.

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"Dress cops up as soldiers, give them military equipment, train them in military tactics, tell them they’re fighting a ‘war,’ and the consequences are predictable." —Radley Balko

I think it's great what you're doing for the boy. From what you've said he's already made a remarkable turn around.

My advice would be to talk to the teacher. Assuming worst case he/she insists on the 3 books as mandated, then I would tell him to prioritize his work and simply do the best he can.

Hopefully the teacher will be sympathetic.

In any case I'd stress that the hard work he has been doing is a positive thing. Dont let any outcomes here change that view.

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“Strong people are harder to kill than weak people, and more useful in general”. - Mark Rippetoe

I know you've been with this kid a long time, you love him, etc. etc. but you gotta look out for number 1, man. If this kid is having a negative impact on your own life, I think you gotta step back and ask yourself if this is really the right thing to do. You have your own goals that you've been working hard towards for years, losing your motivation is the last thing you need.

Don't skim past my post because I sound like a dick. I was this kid when I was in highschool. My 10/11th grade years I was a major **** up, and didn't realize until I was a senior. I ended up graduating late, Rainbow grad they call it here, but I still got my diploma. The humiliation of not being able to walk with my peers changed me, made me want to do better than the rest of them. The experience pushed me through college with a 3.8 graduating GPA, well ahead of anyone else.

This kid needs some kind of kick in the ***, but he's got to make the realization himself. Maybe the military is the right thing for him. Never know.

I wouldn't worry about the English now, not graduating on time is a consequence for being lazy. If its a big issue ask the teacher if she will accept a special project after the normal school year is ended (but obviously before she has to submit grades) and if he can show substantial improvement if she would move him to at least a D.

If not, summer school.

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"...but there exists also in the human heart a depraved taste for equality, which impels the weak to attempt to lower the powerful to their own level and reduces men to prefer equality in slavery to inequality with freedom." - De Tocqueville

The school year lasts another 3-4 weeks. Summer school will be another 3 weeks on top of that I think. Next year, who knows.

I left out the fact that this is the 3rd time this year he's been failing his classes. This last time I'd finally had enough of his mother not riding him like he needs and I somewhat assumed some authority (she's been totally supportive).

The threatening was with his mother present. I think it shocked her. But the point is, he was blowing smoke up my butt, flat out lying to me, and wasting my time when I didn't have time to give it. I told him if he did it anymore I'd take my time out of his *** and I'd wait until he's 18 (this November) to do it. That was along with the statement that if he was still planning to fail then to at least be honest with me about it.

Since he is turning 18 this November, there's also the stubborn male teenager, now turned adult card that he can pull before the first semester is even over.

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The Dude abides.

I'm probably going to come across as a complete *** for this... but reading your post, in particular the following...





Lets say he manages to complete the work assignment... is doing so going to magically make him functionally literate in the next 3-4 weeks from his current level? Is he prepare to be a high school graduate over the course of the next year, since he appears to be a junior now? If he does graduate, mostly on the platform of your effort, is he prepared for anything academically beyond high school, or for any profession that requires more than manual labor?

Perhaps it would be best to work on the assumption he is going to fail this class, and put your well intended motivation into helping him with the recovery and demonstrating that a failure isn't an excuse to give up, but to dedicate and push harder? If he fails and decides to drop out, well, chance are enormous that without your help, he would have already failed, and he is no worse off, and no better off. If he fails and meets the challenge, turning around his attitude of academically lazy, then he might yet be better off for your effort.

Otherwise, its likely you are wasting your time, that would be better spent being a big brother to someone that honestly wants to succeed with the drive to do so, but needs the support to get there.

All through your post, you did not mention what the kid wants. This is the most important thing, as success is not based on education, but mostly on a person’s drive. Education is only a tool and not the end all.

What is it holding him back? Apart from his mother (like games, bad friends, knowledge that he could live off the government), then you gotta dispel his own fantasy. Sure you could threaten him and sit beside him, but you can’t do it for the rest of your life. Your job should be to kick start his desire for success and not merely push through a shaky educational foundation, only to see him fail later in life only because he lacks you to push him.

Ask him where he wants to be this time next year, in 5 years time, in 10 years time. Tell him what he needs to achieve those goals and how much extra work he needs to put in. Hammer it into him that if he wants something better, he has to work for it, and not simply be handed it as you are appearing to do for him.

This has been done and he's not being truthful. He gives answers with grand desires or he just says the military. I've been down every road you mentioned with him and its evident he just wants to give the answer that he thinks will get people off his back. I've even told him its okay if he says he wants to just get his G.E.D. but to be honest about it. He insisted he wants to graduate. Yet I just found out from another teacher he's not doing all his schoolwork in class. His bio-father's rant that he should drop out and get his G.E.D. set him to be stubborn against that idea.

My perception is he wants to hang out with his friends at the place where he works.

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The Dude abides.

You can't make him want to do anything, it has to come from within. What does motivate him?

If you can't find the tug that pulls him, you won't get the job done. Offer him a trip to Yellowstone or something if he graduates on time. Find the desire within him and you can win his soul. Miss it and he's just another slacker.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

The kid doesn't know what he wants. I didn't know what I wanted at that age...I barely graduated high school under similar circumstances...I was in a girls home and had studytime for 3 hours every night.
I would talk to the teacher and see what the two of you can reasonably work out in order for this boy to earn a passing grade in order to graduate. There is room for negotiations even in school (I learned this in college and would not have gotten my degree without negotiating with my Trig prof my last semester).
I know its hard, but man, don't give up on this kid. Also, bribery works very well...he is a teenager and has everyone harping on him about school, he's obviously under a lot of pressure. As adults we think he should suck it up, but I remember being that age and it was a difficult and confusing emotional time. Give the kid some motivation other than an *** kicking...give him something positive to work towards and something a little more immediate and tangible than "a bright future" for his graduation. Whether that is a couple hundred dollars or a trip somewhere, its a good idea. Many kids these days get graduation presents that are kind of pricey and they know it and look forward to it.
You are doing a great thing.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

Honestly, I'm opposed to trying to buy him. His mother has spoiled him to some degree. He doesn't seem to value anything other than his friends and going up to Colorado to visit a friend in college. Since that friend comes back to Tucson over the breaks, there's no sense in offering to pay for him to get a trip there.

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The Dude abides.

Maybe don't consider it "trying to buy him" as much as letting him know in advance what his graduation present is going to be.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth