The Glade 4.0

Well, just cuz I could use some laughs

An elderly couple is attending a church service.
About halfway through the service she leans over to her husband and says,

"I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"

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Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti

St. Louis' Rams hazing: No. 1 overall pick Sam Bradford was duct-taped to the goalpost in the end zone and left there for hours. He wasn't supposed to be there for hours, but after Steven Jackson duct-taped Bradford, he left the facility. No one else on the team knew how to get into the end zone.

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For many years a circus strongman toured the country. As part of his act, He would squeeze an orange dry with his bare hands. He would then challenge the crowd to see if anyone could squeeze just one more drop out of the orange.

Over the course of his career, many had taken the challenge, but none could get even one more drop of juice to reach the circus floor. One day the strong man's challenge was met by a well dressed elderly man.

The aged man took the orange and began to squeeze. Much to the shock of the crowd and the strongman, a single bit of juice dripped to the ground.

"What's your secret?" the strongman demanded. "In all my years no one has been able to beat me"

"Oh I'm used to it," the old man replyed. "I just retired from the IRS."

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I prefer to think of them as "Fighting evil in another dimension"

What does a woman do when she gets home from the battered women's shelter?

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The Dude abides.

I (female) was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
1 head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
man standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,


'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition,

since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on
the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that
could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But
how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

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"It is true that democracy undermines freedom when voters believe they can live off of others' productivity, when they modify the commandment: 'Thou shalt not steal, except by majority vote.' The politics of plunder is no doubt destructive of both morality and the division of labor."

(Copied from today's entensity)

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your résumé, I can see that you're more than qualified," says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you."

"But wait," says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking."

"Then show me," replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

"It's great you stopped winking," says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country."

"What do you mean?" asks the man. "I'm happily married."

"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.

"Oh, that," sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

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Great jokes! Thanks!

A chicken and an Egg are in bed...

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile.

The egg is frowning..And mutters to itself.

"Well, I guess we answered that question"

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Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti

Why doesn't Jim Kelly do Wheaties commercials?

Every time he gets near a Bowl he chokes.

What do the Raiders and Tampons have in common?

Neither can last an entire period, and neither have a second string.

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Darksiege
Traveller, Calé, Whisperer
Lead me not into temptation; for I know a shortcut

Went to see Conando on Thursday, stole this somewhat from Deon Cole...

You ever notice when things aren't going a comedian's way, they say 'Man, sure is crazy tonight...' or 'Let's hear it for the ladies?'

That's comedian for 'that was a bomb, gotta move on'. Pander to the crowds, get them to cheer.

Who ain't gonna give it up for the ladies? Either they are one, want to get up on one, or both!

And it's always crazy tonight when you're seeing a comedian! We ain't at your Starbucks!

...Not yet, at least.

So I decided to get fit. Very California thing to do, and the way we do it is we get a trainer.

Trainer says to me, "Ok, so we're going to get you working out, and eating right, and part of that is eating at the right times."

"Right times? Ain't no right time for food! There's hungry, sleepy, and sex, and long as you don't confuse them, you're good!"

"No more eating after dark. It's bad for you."

"You're supposed to eat after dark!"

*pause, finger to temple, tapping*

"Why you think fridges got lightbulbs?"

...

Man, sure is crazy tonight...

Let's hear it for the ladies!

By the way, that also works when your other performances ain't working out for you.

"Oh yeah, you like that, do yoaaooooh?" *Pause* "Let's hear it for the ladies! Sure is crazy tonight..."

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Once, I was a ranger
Then, I was a warlock
And a mage
And a paladin
Now, I seek to be myself

On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher, both fairly young, lived near to each other and led their respective flocks at neighboring churches. Over time, they became good friends and, as part of their routine, they would meet and ride their bicycles together on Sunday mornings to their respective churches.

One Sunday morning, the Methodist preacher arrived at their meeting place to find the Baptist preacher alone, with no bicycle in sight. "My friend," said the Methodist preacher, "where is your bicycle?" "My heart is heavy, brother," said the Baptist minister. "I believe my bicycle has been stolen, and what's worse, I believe it was likely a member of my flock who took it!"

The Methodist preacher thought for a moment, and came up with an idea. "Here's what you do...this morning, preach a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' bear down real hard, and perhaps whomever stole your bicycle will be moved by The Word and return it."

The Baptist considered this, and agreed that it was a good idea. So the preachers went to their churches, and the following Sunday, the Methodist preacher arrived to find that his friend was sitting atop the familiar bicycle.

"I see my idea worked!" said the Methodist. "Yes," said the Baptist sheepishly, "though not quite how you thought. I preached on the Ten Commandments as you said, but it wasn't 'Thou shalt not steal' that got my bike back for me. I got down to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and remembered where I left it."

My friend likes to tease me with this joke when Lent comes around each year.

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Why do you always take two Baptists fishing?

If you only take one, he will drink all your beer.
===================

Why are farmers so good at growing crops?

They are out/standing in their field
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There's a new Russian venereal disease......it's call: Rotchacockoff

A man happened to notice that a local restaurant had a sign that said "Under New Management." Curious as if it improved the quality of food or service, he went inside.

As he sat as his table, he saw many servers hurriedly moving about very efficiently. Before he could really stop to take it all in, he was immediately greeted by his own server.

"May I take your order?"

The man was amazed at how quickly he was approached. He ordered his food and watched his server head off to place his order.

As he sat, he started to notice a few odd things about the servers as they dashed about. The first thing that caught his eye was that every server had a spoon in their shirt pocket. Before he could really begin to ponder the meaning of it, his server was back with his appetizer.

"Here you go! Your food will be ready momentarily."

"Wait!" The man stopped his server before he could take off again. "Why do each of you have a spoon in your shirt pocket?"

"Oh! That's part of our manager's new policy on efficiency! You see, statistically, the most commonly dropped piece of silverware is..."

Just then they heard a clang-clang as a patron dropped a spoon.

"Ah yes, as you can see... their server has immediately replaced their spoon with the one from his pocket. No need to head all the way back to the kitchen, and thus: efficiency!"

"I see. That is very impressive!"

The waiter smiled and nodded and headed back about his business. As the man ate his appetizer he began to notice other odd things about the servers. This time, he noticed that each of them had a tiny, white, piece of string hanging out of their pants' zippers.

Just as he noticed this, his server was back with his meal.

"Here you go! Made to order!"

"Wait!" He stopped his server again before he could rush off. "Could you please explain the white strings?"

"Oh..." he server said embarrassingly, "You noticed that. Well, it's another part of our new manager's plan for efficiency. You see, each piece of string is tied to....erm... ourselves. In this way, when we use the restroom we can pull it out without having to touch it with our bare hands. Thus, removing the need to wash our hands and, again..."

"Efficiency."

"You got it!"

"I have another question, though. How do you get *it* back in without touching it?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys but I use my spoon."


***************

I don't know many jokes by heart. But back in elementary school, the way boys made quick friends was telling each other jokes that they hadn't yet heard. And so, I will now regale you with the one other joke that is seared into my memory. It was schoolyard gold. And I shall tell it to you in the exact same manner as my 8 year-old past self told it.


A chief of an Indian tribe had a big problem. For some reason, he couldn't fart. So he went to the medicine man and said,

"Big chief, no fart!"

The medicine man gave him a can of beans and said, "Eat all of these and you will fart!"

The next day, the chief went to the medicine man again.

"Big chief, no fart!"

The medicine man gave him a box full of beans and said, "Eat all of these, and you will fart!"

The very next day, the chief came yet again to the medicine man.

"Big chief, no fart!"

The medicine man gave the chief a dumptruck full of beans and said, "Eat all of these, and you will fart!"

The day after that, the chief's *wife* came to the medicine man and said:

"Big fart, no chief!"

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Les Zombis et les Loups-Garous!

Last Tuesday, as Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

Obama replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir.."

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Holy shitsnacks!