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Relationship advice
https://gladerebooted.net/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=5721		 Page 1 of 3
Author:  Sasandra [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 9:51 am ]
Post subject:  Relationship advice
I've been trying to figure out what to do for a few day but i'm at a lot so I wanted to see if anyone had some good advice on how to deal with this.

So back story, I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 2 months now, Monday will be the 2 month mark, we have a ton in common, we can talk for hour and every time we go out we are pretty much sitting there chatting till we're asked to leave cause they need the table or are closing, when I drop her off at her place we end up sitting in my car chatting for a good hour normally, when she comes over she never leaves anywhere near the time she wants to leave. Basically when we're actually seeing each other things always seem great, however the rest of the week I honestly feel like i'm single.

During the week days she never texts me or anything saying good morning and usually doesn't even say goodnight, she seems to make no effort at all to talk with me, she never verbally expresses any sort of feelings towards me, basically the way she talks to me is how you would talk to a friend not a girlfriend and really the relationship hasn't moved forward at all in the past month, all we've done is kiss, but it's not like she isn't into it when we kiss and we're both shy so that could be that we're both waiting for the other to make a move.

Anyways for the last 3 weeks I've been feeling like she's going to break up with me, I see her and things are totally fine, then the week starts and I go thru that feeling all over again, this week I finally came to the realization that I'm simply not happy in the relationship, however I am in love with her so I don't want to break up with her.

Another thing to note is she has a very stressful job and the last weeks have been especially stressful and she's been working 12-16 hours so that may be adding to some of this as things were better before things got really bad at her work, but I don't know if that's the cause or just coincidental.

So I've decided I need to have a talk with her but i'm not sure how to approach it because I've never been unhappy in a relationship with someone I genuinely have feelings for and I know the talk to could end in one of two ways, we work things out and things go on or we breakup, I really don't want the latter to happen so that's what I wanted to get advice on, what's the best way to approach this, we need to talk but I don't want to do it in a way that pushes her away, is this appropriate to do over the phone or should I really wait till the weekend and talk face to face? My instinct there is that I really should do it face to face but the stress and anxiety are getting to me so badly that it's manifesting physically in muscle pains now and it probably won't go away till I talk with her.
Author:  Arathain Kelvar [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 10:58 am ]
Post subject: 
My suggestion:

Lighten up a bit and take it for what it is. At 2 months it should be nothing more than a series of dates. In other words, you should feel like you are single.

You shouldn't be feeling the need to say good night to her if you aren't seeing her, nor call her to say good morning or anything like that.

In fact, you should be scheduling dates with her around dates with other girls.

Regardless, you're coming across as very needy, and that's not good at 2 months.

Lighten up - if you are having fun when you are out with her, then have fun when you are out with her. Don't worry about the other stuff.

For God's sake, don't have a "talk" with her.

If she breaks up with you, oh well. Go about your business and see her if you want to, and if she doesn't, then go out with someone else.

My guess is if you back off and chill, that she'll pick up the slack. Or not. Whatever.
Author:  Sasandra [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:03 am ]
Post subject: 
Well we are a couple and have been exclusively dating each other for a month now, really it's been exclusive since the beginning because we're both that way when it comes to dating. I guess that's one difference with lesbian relationships though, in terms of being a couple that happens much more quickly given that women tend to get emotionally invested more quickly than men, so with two women both people are invested quickly.
Author:  Arathain Kelvar [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:14 am ]
Post subject:  Re:
Sasandra wrote:
Well we are a couple and have been exclusively dating each other for a month now, really it's been exclusive since the beginning because we're both that way when it comes to dating. I guess that's one difference with lesbian relationships though, in terms of being a couple that happens much more quickly given that women tend to get emotionally invested more quickly than men, so with two women both people are invested quickly.


Regardless, you're dating a woman, with which I have experience. Be the man, so to speak, and let her become more emotionally invested quicker than you. Basically, change your view of the relationship to that of "I enjoy spending time with this person", and leave it at that. You don't need to date others, but it does sound to me like you need to back off a bit. Actually, it sounds like you need to back off a lot, but maybe that's just the man in me.
Author:  Elmarnieh [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:30 am ]
Post subject: 
Don't fuss over it, let her have her personal space if thats how she compartmentalizes her life. If you're worried about it going slow then go out, have some wine, make your move. If it doesn't work out just find another chick.
Author:  shuyung [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:36 am ]
Post subject: 
When in doubt, crank one out.
Author:  Sasandra [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:43 am ]
Post subject:  Re:
Elmarnieh wrote:
Don't fuss over it, let her have her personal space if thats how she compartmentalizes her life. If you're worried about it going slow then go out, have some wine, make your move. If it doesn't work out just find another chick.


I suppose that could be it, I've just never been in a relationship with someone who was that way, all my other girlfriends were more committed quickly, however my current girlfriend's personality is different than the rest, she's definitely much more masculine personality wise in many ways than anyone I've dated, maybe that's why.
Author:  Elmarnieh [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:46 am ]
Post subject: 
Lots of people like to keep work time (ie during the work) separate from their relationship time.
Author:  Sasandra [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re:
Elmarnieh wrote:
Lots of people like to keep work time (ie during the work) separate from their relationship time.


Yeah, that part I understand and doesn't bother me, she's with clients all thru the day (mental health counselor) so I know she can't talk to me during the day, it's just more the outside of work thing which has been mainly the last 3 weeks, before then we were up till 2-3am IMing so it's a drastic shift from before, this started literally the day after we talked and decided we were an exclusive couple, however that's also when her work got crazy. Idk, I guess I just expect signs that she cares, but i'm a very romantic person so I show my feelings a lot so whoever i'm dating has no questions about my feelings towards them.
Author:  Hopwin [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:04 pm ]
Post subject: 
You sound a lot like me, if you find a solution please let me know.

/edit: Also how old is she? I've found a lot of the girls in the 20-25 year old range are extremely selfish and just take and take and take like their entitled to it. Wish I could remember if I was the same way at that age.
Author:  Khross [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice
Your situation reminds me of a joke, which is admittedly harsh in its stereotyping.

What does a lesbian bring on a second date?

I don't say this to offend you, but it seems that your expectations are unnecessarily accelerated. 2 months is a few dates. 2 months is just enough time for the initial infatuation to settle down as real relationship ties start to slowly emerge. Maybe she's compartmentalizing her work stress from the relationship; maybe she's silently asking for space; maybe she's "being the guy" ... maybe, maybe, maybe ... there are any number of "maybes" I can put here for you to consider; but ...

Those maybes aren't the point. We've been through enough of these threads now to know that you're prone to "fall in love" quickly and commit yourself to relationships before most people (regardless of sexuality) would do so. So, perhaps, the maybe you need to look at is in the mirror.

I sincerely hope you find what you're so obviously seeking, Sasandra; but sometimes a person can look too hard for something that will find them when it's ready.
Author:  Aizle [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:16 pm ]
Post subject: 
Khross has some very sage advice there.
Author:  Darkroland [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice
Sasandra wrote:
Another thing to note is she has a very stressful job and the last weeks have been especially stressful and she's been working 12-16 hours so that may be adding to some of this as things were better before things got really bad at her work, but I don't know if that's the cause or just coincidental.


If this is accurate, this will play a huge part of it. I know that when I was working those hours I was basically a zombie outside of it, didn't want to do anything but sleep. I would say since you have already committed, feel free to let her know how you feel, and that you miss her with her working so much. She'll probably apologize for working so much, and you'll move on.
Author:  Lenas [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:24 pm ]
Post subject: 
Sounds like you're being a little needy, Sas. Your relationship is still in its infancy, and you're already talking about feeling left out or neglected. That screams to me that you're already probably more attached than maybe you should be at two months. I have a male friend in a similar situation as we speak and I told him the same thing. If it were me, I'd not make a move until her work hours returned to normal and I could see if the situation changed. If not, then you can talk to her.


Sasandra wrote:
I guess that's one difference with lesbian relationships though, in terms of being a couple that happens much more quickly given that women tend to get emotionally invested more quickly than men, so with two women both people are invested quickly.


Don't paint such broad strokes. This is certainly not always true.
Author:  Sasandra [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re:
Hopwin wrote:
/edit: Also how old is she? I've found a lot of the girls in the 20-25 year old range are extremely selfish and just take and take and take like their entitled to it. Wish I could remember if I was the same way at that age.


She's 26 years old, I've never felt like she came off as selfish though, just complacent in the relationship.

Khross wrote:
Your situation reminds me of a joke, which is admittedly harsh in its stereotyping.

What does a lesbian bring on a second date?

~cropped rest~


Lol, trust me, I use that joke often myself cause it's true and I've seen it with many friends so no offence taken, really in many ways I move things along much more slowly than most of my friends, well at least physically.

Yeah, I know that's a fault of mine, I do fall in love quickly when I like someone and get emotionally attached quickly and i'm trying to change that but it's not easy to change emotions sadly, on the flip side i'm relatively picky so I can count on one hand the number of times I've fallen in love with someone.

That's actually why I posted here for advice cause while I asked my close friends for advice they are also lesbians that fall into that same stereotype and I don't want to throw a wrench in the cogs if it's really just me that's the issue, so the advice here is definitely helpful cause it's giving me some thoughts on different lines of thinking.

Thanks, I really have been trying to detach myself emotionally from her since this started so I feel like I've been going thru a breakup, but maybe that's just exactly what I need to do to make things work, I just don't want to pull back to much and make her think i'm not interested.
Author:  Kirra [ Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:27 pm ]
Post subject: 
Looking in the mirror is the hardest thing to do, as well as changing what's in the mirror. But, that is the only thing you have the power to change.
Author:  Sasandra [ Thu Mar 17, 2011 11:23 pm ]
Post subject: 
Well I think that pretty much answers that, I texted her tonight, no reply, my friend who's number she doesn't know texts her and she replies right away :/
Author:  shuyung [ Thu Mar 17, 2011 11:40 pm ]
Post subject: 
So either your friend has bad judgment too, or you didn't tell her the whole story.
Author:  Sasandra [ Thu Mar 17, 2011 11:54 pm ]
Post subject: 
My friend does knows the whole story, regardless someone who is supposedly my girlfriend ignored my text while replying to a text from a random number she doesn't know multiple times.
Author:  Kirra [ Sat Mar 19, 2011 2:29 pm ]
Post subject: 
I'm sorry Sas /hugs
Author:  Taskiss [ Sat Mar 19, 2011 6:13 pm ]
Post subject: 
Want a lover?

Treat someone like they're a wild animal you are trying to tame...

Make slow moves, be ready to be the first one to pull back, and never EVER act to threaten their independence. Not even after 100 years.

You have to gain trust, and you have to show you deserve the trust. If they want to be with you they will and if they want to scamper away, you let them. Never try to trap them, don't test them, etc.

Wash, rinse, repeat. Never let them feel as if their freedom is going to be taken away, just enjoy being with them and show it. That's the key, we all want to be appreciated. It takes time to form a real relationship, so let them take the time they need. It's gotta seem to them that it's their idea FIRST and your idea second to be in the relationship. Let them court you, you just enjoy yourself.

The reoccurring theme in all this is - just enjoy yourself. People that are having a good time doing whatever they are doing are fun to be around. People that aren't having a good time are a drag, so just enjoy yourself.

You'll do fine.
Author:  Sasandra [ Sat Mar 19, 2011 11:10 pm ]
Post subject: 
Well my instincts were right, and she was going to be breaking up me anyways, and did tonight :(
Author:  Micheal [ Sat Mar 19, 2011 11:23 pm ]
Post subject: 
Condolences Sassy, lots of big virtual hugs.
Author:  Darkroland [ Sat Mar 19, 2011 11:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Relationship advice
Yeah, more hugs here too. I'm sorry Sas. You deserve better.
Author:  Sasandra [ Sun Mar 20, 2011 12:16 am ]
Post subject: 
What makes it even worse is she said she though I was very beautiful, interesting and someone she felt she connected with extremely well and I was sweetest most caring & prefect person she's ever dated and was never treated as well by anyone as she was by me, she just didn't have feelings for me :(
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