she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work.

All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories".

It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children.

He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..

It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished.

saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a ****. Outlook for work today: interesting.

Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.

The strip club called, they have your shoe.

That's **** bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.

I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.

Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.

I want her autograph on my taint