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Pentagon Study Finds Beards Directly Related To Combat Effectiveness

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Tampa, FL – Forget new gear, weapons, or sophisticated targeting systems. The newest tool coming to combat troops is low-tech: beards. In a report released yesterday, research think-tank Xegis Solutions noted that beards have a direct correlation to combat effectiveness.

Jonathon Burns was the lead researcher in the study.

“We took 100 soldiers. 25 were Special Forces qualified and had beards, 25 were Special Forces qualified without beards, 25 were regular Army allowed to grow beards for the study, and the last 25 were regular Army without beards. All 100 of these subjects were in direct combat in Afghanistan during the study.”

He continued, “Xegis Solutions had several teams of researchers embedded with these troops to make observations on their combat effectiveness. The results were overwhelming, out of the 50 soldiers with beards, zero were wounded or killed and they had a significantly higher accuracy of fire than the soldiers without beards. The soldiers lacking beards had a higher rate of weapons malfunctions and basically, **** went wrong most of the time.”

CENTCOM wasted no time establishing a new rule forcing males to grow beards.

Commander Gen. James E. Mattis issued a statement to all troops in combat zones.

“The time has come for the Armed Forces to accept the facts, and the facts are that beards save lives. All this time it was speculated that Green Berets were better because of their superior and intensive training while in fact, most of it had to do with beards.”

There’s no doubt that many in the Special Forces community will be angered, but General Mattis is convinced.

“It’s settled science. In light of this information we will enforce a rule requiring all males to wear at least one inch of facial hair at all times. Furthermore, any females able to grow facial hair are encouraged to do so as well.”

Author:	Micheal [ Wed Apr 11, 2012 10:28 pm ]
Post subject:	Beards are better.
http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/04/penta ... ctiveness/ Quote: Pentagon Study Finds Beards Directly Related To Combat Effectiveness 1digg Email Tampa, FL – Forget new gear, weapons, or sophisticated targeting systems. The newest tool coming to combat troops is low-tech: beards. In a report released yesterday, research think-tank Xegis Solutions noted that beards have a direct correlation to combat effectiveness. Jonathon Burns was the lead researcher in the study. “We took 100 soldiers. 25 were Special Forces qualified and had beards, 25 were Special Forces qualified without beards, 25 were regular Army allowed to grow beards for the study, and the last 25 were regular Army without beards. All 100 of these subjects were in direct combat in Afghanistan during the study.” He continued, “Xegis Solutions had several teams of researchers embedded with these troops to make observations on their combat effectiveness. The results were overwhelming, out of the 50 soldiers with beards, zero were wounded or killed and they had a significantly higher accuracy of fire than the soldiers without beards. The soldiers lacking beards had a higher rate of weapons malfunctions and basically, **** went wrong most of the time.” CENTCOM wasted no time establishing a new rule forcing males to grow beards. Commander Gen. James E. Mattis issued a statement to all troops in combat zones. “The time has come for the Armed Forces to accept the facts, and the facts are that beards save lives. All this time it was speculated that Green Berets were better because of their superior and intensive training while in fact, most of it had to do with beards.” There’s no doubt that many in the Special Forces community will be angered, but General Mattis is convinced. “It’s settled science. In light of this information we will enforce a rule requiring all males to wear at least one inch of facial hair at all times. Furthermore, any females able to grow facial hair are encouraged to do so as well.” It is a military satire site. There is no such study. Too bad.

Author:	Dash [ Thu Apr 12, 2012 10:13 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Beards are better.
That ****'s true.

Author:	Hopwin [ Thu Apr 12, 2012 10:16 am ]
Post subject:
Yesterday while I was battling ninjas on motorcycles I had the opportunity to stroke my whiskers and the pyschologicaly effect it had on them was both immediate and apparent.

Author:	Oonagh [ Thu Apr 12, 2012 11:21 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Beards are better.
That's Hot! I love men in Uniform with beards. Foamy is never allowed to shave his again. Beard's are hot and fun and fuzzy

Author:	Foamy [ Thu Apr 12, 2012 11:31 am ]
Post subject:
Well, duhh... I think Chuck Norris is proof of this, so this study isn't telling us anything we didn't already know.

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Author:	Mookhow [ Thu Apr 12, 2012 11:43 am ]
Post subject:
Is Chuck Norris improved by his beard, or does Chuck Norris improve beards around the world?

Author:	Oonagh [ Thu Apr 12, 2012 11:50 am ]
Post subject:	Re:
Mookhow wrote: Is Chuck Norris improved by his beard, or does Chuck Norris improve beards around the world? Chuck Norris' beard is so great that it has beard!

Author:	Diamondeye [ Thu Apr 12, 2012 11:51 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Beards are better.
The real reason beards are not allowed is so that your gas mask makes a tight seal. As for the effectiveness of beards.. this theory was tested (in a manner of speaking) during the Korean War. There was a Turkish battalion there, and one American commander was very impressed with their beards, thinking it made them look fierce and war-like. He therefore ordered his unit to grow beards. The Turkish unit's combat performance was... inadequate, shall we say? The American unit hated the beards because they got dirty and itched. When a new commander arrived, he lost no time in dispensing with the beards. No loss in combat effectiveness after that is noted anywhere in the history, nor was any increase noted when the beards were adopted. Against motorcycle-riding ninjas, however, beards might be effective. I don't know of any documentation on that.

Author:	Foamy [ Thu Apr 12, 2012 12:03 pm ]
Post subject:
Why would a ninja need a motorcycle? If they did, would a ninja ride a Ninja motorcycle?

Author:	Hopwin [ Thu Apr 12, 2012 12:13 pm ]
Post subject:	Re:
Foamy wrote: Why would a ninja need a motorcycle? If they did, would a ninja ride a Ninja motorcycle? I cannot speak for all ninjas but these ninjas were indeed on ninjas. The equivalent of machine gun bears riding machine gun bears into battle.

Author:	Diamondeye [ Fri Apr 13, 2012 11:04 am ]
Post subject:	Re:
Foamy wrote: Why would a ninja need a motorcycle? If they did, would a ninja ride a Ninja motorcycle? Remember, Conservation of Ninjitsu. One or two ninjas wouldn't need a motorcycle. If there were additional ninjas, they'd start needing things like motorcycles.

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