The Glade 4.0

How to make da perfect Wisconsin-style bratwurst in Florida, in a few simple steps:
**Your mission is a perfect white/golden brown brat that's got no punctures, no splits, and is about the same size as when you started.**

1) You need a pack of bratwurst. Sam's sells about the best brats you can get down here in <redacted> , in a convenient 20 pack. I think ZIA is the brand? Alternately, hop over to http://www.usinger.com/ and get some shipped out.

2) Ice cold 6 pack of a tasty beer that you actually want to drink. I'm partial to Leinie's Classic Amber. You're not going to use Bud Light. Shame on you for even thinkin that.

3) Locate sturdy rolls that are worthy of holding bratwurst. A hot dog bun will melt away into a squishy mess before you get halfway done. Hoagie/sub rolls work well.

4) You need a tongs, one that doesn't have any teeth or sharp parts. For cripes sake don't use a fork.

5) If you're going to do things the right way, charcoal is better than propane, but propane will do in a pinch.

6) Get them brats up to room temperature and your grill to medium heat.

7) If you want to make some brat sauce:
* 7a) Put a pot on the stove over medium heat with 2 medium cans of tomatoes or unseasoned tomato sauce
* 7b) Open two beers
* 7c) Pour one beer in the pot
* 7d) Drink the other beer
* 7e) Mix in some brown sugar
* 7f) Mix in some hot sauce
* 7g) A little vinegar too
* 7h) If you still don't like the flavor you can toss in a beef boullion
* 7i) Fry up some onions and peppers and toss them in the pot
* 7j) Simmer the whole thing

8) If you don't want the brat sauce, your only other options for bratwurst is brown mustard or kraut. Not yellow mustard, not ketchup, not some fancy schmancy sauce you buy from the store.

9) Bring a radio out by the grill, and turn the dial to an AM station hosting a sporting event. Packers or Brewers is good, but it really doesn't matter, it can be peewee hockey for all I care. Yes, the radio makes it taste better.

10) Oil the grill with vegetable oil and a paper towel

11) Open two more beers. Pour one in a bowl, and start drinking the other one.

12) Put the bratwurst on the grill, spaced evenly for airflow. Do not close the grill, you're going to be busy from here on out.

13) Turn the brats a quarter turn every minute or so, and inspect the cooked side.

14) Rotate the bratwurst into the bowl of beer and back to the grill, a few at a time, every minute or so. The ones that are browning faster are a priority.

15) Remember your desired bratwurst is golden brown at the end of cooking, not black, not cracked or split. If you see any of these things early in the cooking process, toss em in the beer, and you need to turn the brats faster next time.

16) Maintain good grill management - know your grill! Swap the food that's on the faster-cooking areas of the grill onto the slower-cooking areas and vice versa. If sausages are cooking more at one end, turn them around. Don't worry about your grill lines, this ain't a steak we're making, a tasty brat is better than a pretty brat any day.

17) Listen to your grill. If you hear splashes or flare-ups, that means the brats got holes in em and are leaking the tasty tasty grease onto the fire. If you don't do something, they will shrink down and get all dry, which I guess is better than no bratwurst at all, but it's not what we're goin for here. Move these bratwurst to the beer bowl, and then back to a safer area of the grill.

18) Obviously, you don't want to see any pink or red left when you're done. The entire bratwurst should be light brown, with some white areas and some golden brown areas. The process can take 20 to 30 minutes, cooking time can vary due to the individual circumstances.

19) Serve on a roll with your chosen condiment, with the two remaining beers, and maybe some sort of deep fried dairy product.