The Glade 4.0

My wife and I had a talk last night, she wants to go to marriage counseling. She says we don't really communicate anymore and we act more like roommates.

I actually agree with her, but the more I think about it I am not sure that counseling is really going to help. We are total opposites and we always thought that that was what made us work. We pushed each other into new things the other wouldn't do. As time has gone on though I think we both are tired of always compromising, neither one of us ever gets what we really want it is always a compromise.

I really don't want to get a divorce, but maybe that is because I am so used to her more than anything else. We have been together for 15 years and married for 13. I do love her but I am finding more and more I don't like her as much if that makes any sense. If she can find someone else that makes her happier and more complete maybe it would be a good thing to just let her go.

I don't know what to do, we have always talked about growing old together but I don't know now. We don't really fight except for small things once in a while, we always work things out. We have few of the issues that most couples have, we don't have kids, we make a lot of money between us so the things that usually break people up are not a factor with us.

I don't know what to do right now. I will try the counseling but like I said I have my doubts that it will really change anything at this point.

_________________
I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil

I have no advice since I've never been in any relationship for that long. I wish you both luck and happiness though.
I guess when it comes to counseling, what have you got to lose? You've already invested 15 years of your lives in each other...might as well try to salvage that, right?
And it doesn't sound like you guys really have much to complain about other than boredom, unless I'm missing something here.
Have you guys tried something new and radical together? Missionary work or something? There is a couple at my church that are in their 60s and they are so sweet on each other...because they have LOTS of shared adventures. They travel a lot all over the states doing charity work together with the church.
There's got to be something you two can do to change things up a bit...after 15 years people could get pretty bored with each other if its the same old stuff over and over.
I guess what I'm saying is, maybe you don't have to get a divorce in order to get that life-altering new and fresh perspective on life.

_________________
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

I hope you want 'brutally honest", if so, read on, otherwise... good luck!

_________________
In time, this too shall pass.

Do the counseling thing. It's good to have a neutral third party in situations like this. I used to think that counseling was a crock but it does help...even if it only helps you get out what you need to say. And like LK said...you've been together for 15 years...what do you have to lose by going? Sometimes relationships need a kickstart.

Also, I'll impart some advice someone gave me a long while back..."Never stop dating your wife".

_________________
"It is true that democracy undermines freedom when voters believe they can live off of others' productivity, when they modify the commandment: 'Thou shalt not steal, except by majority vote.' The politics of plunder is no doubt destructive of both morality and the division of labor."

My experience is super-limited in this field but I second Taskiss' advice.

_________________

If you decide to go, keep an open mind about the process, and if something she says in the sessions upsets you, don't hold a grudge about it. (Getting a backlash for being open/honest is not fun.) Same goes for her for anything you say.

_________________
When he's underwater does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead?

Marriage takes work. Turn off the PC, the TV, and do something together. Communicate.

Do the counseling, and perhaps get some counseling just for yourself on the side. Sounds like your wife is making an effort here, and you need to show some yourself. That is, if you wish to continue this relationship.

Good luck.

Do you want to be married to her Killuas? Is she the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

If yes, work like the blazes to get both of you happy again. If not, accept it and move on.

Either way, go to counseling with her, figure out what you need to know and where you want to go from here.

_________________
The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

I'm not very good with advice, but I'll say this...

My husband and I have been married for going on 29 years. Have they always been happy years? No! We came very close to divorce a couple of times! Somehow, we worked things out...not to say we are ecstatically happy now, but we are together through thick and thin. I do love him and he loves me, but we do still have our problems. There will always be disagreements in a relationship...the thing to do is try to work them out in whatever way is appropriate to the two of you. If it's counseling or talking things out together, it's whatever works for the two of you. My husband and I will always love each other, but we don't always like each other which is where the trouble comes in. That's what you need to be aware of...the difference between loving and liking.

Good luck!

_________________
"Said I never had much use for one, never said I didn't know how to use one!"~ Matthew Quigley

"nothing like a little meow in bed at night" ~ Bruskey

"I gotta float my stick same as you" Hondo Lane

"Fill your hand you son of a *****!"

My wife said pretty darn close to exactly the same thing to me last week, and I pretty much thought the same as you...as far as the quote above. We've also been married 13 years...go figger. If it weren't for counselling we would have separated long ago. After a few years, the chemistry stops, and love becomes more a choice than a feeling. When my wife says things like this, and she doesn't often, she's asking me to see past the body that didn't snap back after the 3rd child, the tiredness from working and being a mother, and the years of taking each other for granted and to think back to 15 years ago and pursue her like I did when we were dating. It isn't easy, especially if in those times when the feeling just isn't there, but it is a choice a husband can make to love his wife. So will give a recommendation or two:

1. Go to couselling with an open mind...you will be surprised. If you are not surpised, then the counselor sucks for you--could be great for someone else, but sucks for you. Try a different one that uses a different theory. Marriage and Family Therapy is what I recommend, but a Cognitive Behavioralist or psychoanalyst or something else might work better for you (although for the life of me I can't figure out why some people prefer psychoanalysis...just crazy I tell ya). FYI...it was our second counsellor that worked for my wife and I. First one was hawt. Worked for me, not so much for the better half.

2. If you've got no kids and plenty of monies...go buy some romance. You have no excuse. But be smart...don't just go to a fancy restaurant. Take her somewhere for a weekend where you went 10-15 years ago, or something like that. My wife says I generally suck at romance, but whenever I take her somewhere for a weekend (which sadly, we just can't make work out at this time in our lives), it almost always has been a rousing success.

3. Don't give up. Choose to love.

Anyways...hope it helps, if not, I hope things work out for your relationship.

I dunno if I have much advice for you...other than the fact that the idea that there is someone that is perfect out there is a myth. A marriage takes work and commitment to keep it going..on both parts. There are good times and bad. But you have someone there to go through those things with, and that makes all the difference. Try to remember what things brought you together. Good luck to you, I hope things work out for the best and you stay together.

_________________


Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti

Break up, delete Facebook, hit the gym?

So have not been posting much trying to stay off the computer at home. We started counseling and while I am not sure the counselor is really any help the fact that we are talking about what we don't like seems to be helping. We have been doing more together and are planning a Paris trip in the fall. I think we got too used to each other. The therapist after a few sessions said she could tell we were really in love and very good friends. We are working on putting the spark back into it. So we will see how it goes.

_________________
I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil

Good luck! Hope all goes well.

Glad to hear this. Keep up the good work (and it is work.)

_________________
Memento Vivere

I have local knowledge.
That sandbar was not there yesterday!

Killuas: I hope all is working out for you with counseling. Foamy and I have been in a relationship for 14 years; married 9. I can understand what a rut can be, but I think going on this trip to Paris is the smart thing that you need because you don't have children. I am sure Foamy and I maybe in the same position as you if we didn't change it up a bit. That bit was Sean. Since you and your wife have decided not to have kids, this is what I am assuming apologies if I have over stepped my bounds, I think that doing things together that are different from the norm will bring you closer together. We are completely opposite from each other, as you say you are from your wife, we also think that this brings us together. I'm artistic, foamy's musical. I could burn water, Foamy can cook like Emeril. I think that is the appreciation we have for each other. We each share and I would say admire the differences that each of us brings to the table. However, boredom does set in and when it does take up another interest. Foamy and I found a mutual interest in poker playing, Tommy Emmanuel, and the Trans-Siberian orchestra. The biggest changes sometimes are what you need to make it better. Sean for us and a vacation for you. Maybe go ahead and buy a new house if that is a change you need, then you can spend most of your time together decorating. How about buying a hot new car, drive to a remote place and have wild sex on it? (WAIT I WANT THAT) Hey, there you go another good thing spruce up your sex life together. Bondage is always good.

From what you have said before it doesn't sound like you have a lot of aggressive differences, so I think you just need to change up your relationship a bit.
I think that your counselor will give you the best advice to make you remember why you love this person, have come to appreciate this person, and make you really answer do I feel I can spend the rest of my life with this person?

Good Luck

_________________
"None is more important, none more legitimate, than that of rendering the people safe as they are the
ultimate guardians of their own liberty."- Thomas Jefferson

"Yeah, I'm rehearsing my poker face. I don't handle stupid well. *sigh*" - Farsky

Well tonight is our last counseling session, like I said before I think the act of just talking more about what we want has gone further than the actual counseling. We seem to be doing better so we will see if we can maintain the momentum.

The intimate activities have picked up which is a good thing, again hopefully we can keep the momentum going with that as well, trying out a few new things.

Just out of curiosity SG what are you envious about?

_________________
I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil