The Glade 4.0

This is a subject that I have been obsessing about since I broke up with my ex last February. That's a very long time.

Socializing is an art. There is no one way to do it. There is no way to learn it except by experience.

I used to be extremely shy. I'm still shy. In group situations I barely talk. However, I used to be so nervous about the prospect of meeting strangers that I would literally sweat over it. I never went out by myself. Most of my friends were glued to their computers, and still are in fact. I didn't know how to go up to a stranger and spark a conversation. I only knew how to meet girls over the Internet and then get dates.

I've tried really hard over the last few months to become socially better. I go out nearly every day just to be out, sometimes long distances to populated places such as Harvard Square. Normally I go alone, since my friends are always "too tired" to do anything. I don't have many friends since I moved 2 hours away from UMass, so being alone is the only way. It's so much more fun with friends, but oh well.

I can actually walk up to random girls now and start real conversations. Sometimes they even laugh. I just act myself. I have knowledge that acting myself is actually the best method, after doing research on this. I don't need to be high-energy for people to like me. I just need tons of experience with meeting people, and my natural personality will adjust itself to make these situations better.

Today I went out and talked to a Harvard Law girl in Starbucks for 30-45 minutes... she was laughing and stuff and it was fun and I invited her to a museum, but she declined. I told her I was sad and she went into a huge explanation of having a boyfriend and such. It was a glorious attempt, however. She was really pretty. I talked to another girl in a book store for 5 minutes, got her phone number... she has yet to text me back. Another girl I talked to for a while, but again, boyfriend. This stuff is difficult!

I want to get to the point where I can have 2 or 3 dates every single night, with different girls. I know that it's possible if I keep working at it. I still have anxiety before approaching people, and it feels like it takes energy, so I can't go from girl to girl yet. Vocally my voice is now normal with strangers, as opposed to being messed up from anxiety, and I no longer have weird facial expressions or emotions. I no longer make a total *** out of myself either, which I have in the past from my bipolar mania... I was actually banned from a mall. I'm having trouble converting a normal conversation to a venue change or date. I have several times, but it's a large difficulty.

My social skills remain a work in progress... I don't want other guys to be socially better than me. I'm competitive.

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"The map is not the territory."

How are you controlling your bipolar? Honestly curious...

Lithium (mood-stabilizer) and risperdal (anti-psychotic).

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"The map is not the territory."

So how hard was the inevitable rejection when you first started gaining your experience?

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I first started gaining experience in this stuff last semester in college.

When I first looked into this stuff, I was extremely enthusiastic about it. I talked to girls at night at bus stops, and obviously they were super creeped out. I actually had an early success when I asked out my security monitor in my apartment and got a lunch date and further dates. Another success was from a girl at an ice cream shop.

I started scoping out girls at the Blue Wall, an eatery at my university, and tried to get dates from them. I'd get numbers sometimes but the girls would always flake out. The rejection from having so many flakes affected me a lot. I stopped going for numbers, and talked to far less people... but due to the abundance of girls at my university, I kept at it. I was finally getting better at approaches, and encountering some luck in the library, when I graduated.

I took a break from all this during the Summer since I was traveling a lot and moving into my new condo. I started again in September, after two girls I met on the Internet really bothered me. I've since given up on Internet dating and am only doing this now. I'm definitely making progress, though. Harvard girls tend to be very reclusive, compared to UMass girls, so it feels like I've been set back some.

My viewpoints on people have changed a lot. When I talk to people now, I have a realistic expectation that they will be friendly to me. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also, whether I am talking to my mom or to some girl I just met, I am the same person in both situations. I no longer have some fake identity that I'm projecting.

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"The map is not the territory."

That's good, I hope you continue to work things out. As far as the girl thing goes it's best most likely not to have any expectations, just let things devolop (or not) as they do.

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I prefer to think of them as "Fighting evil in another dimension"

Good to hear you doing better. I wouldn't worry about getting 2 or 3 dates a night. Just have fun. That would get tiring, anyway. And you might miss out on making a real friend or girlfriend by trying to engage so many people at once.

Good luck. If you are near Baltimore, let me know, I'll take you out for a drink and introduce you to some people.

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"It's real, grew up in trife life, the times of white lines
The hype vice, murderous nighttimes and knife fights invite crimes" - Nasir Jones

The two/three dates a night actually makes you feel empty inside after a while. Because you’re spreading your attention and emotion so thin, you actually get nothing out of it at the end of the day and you feel like you’ve wasted time. (kinda like playing 3 mmos at the same time)

I find that it’s easier for guys to talk to girls when there’s something to talk about in the vicinity. (e.g. at a pub with pool tables and the girls are playing, or a library and she has a book you’ve already read)

Remember that you have about 5s to make an impression before the girl decides if you’re safe to talk to or are a creepy stalker type.

Oh and don’t be scared, usually the girls are just as nervous as you are and we’ve already checked out the room as we’ve walked in and decided which guys we’d like to approach us and which ones we wouldn’t. If you’re in the maybe category (and about 90% of the guys are) then the chances of us looking for a personality is high. Plus you get extra brownie points for your courage to talk to us first.

I was thinking about this and I agree. However, I would like to feel that I can easily get dates if I want.



If I'm in a pub I'll just say "hey". If I'm in a library, I would ask if she's reading anything interesting. I agree it's much easier when there's something obvious to talk about.



I can see how this is true.



Girls used to detect subtle nervousness in my voice or body language, and it made them more nervous in turn. I've gotten better since, although I'm not perfect. If you are calm inside, then people you talk to will be calm. If you are angry inside, then people you meet will get irritated, etc. I also don't know the perfect things to say. But I'm making progress.

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"The map is not the territory."

I am utterly fascinated by this... experiment of yours, please keep posting.

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I don't think there *is* a perfect thing to say. Because you're treating this as a repeatable system with no variables. Each person you talk to will be different, and their mood will be different each time you talk to them. Ultimately, some people are compatible with each other, and others aren't.

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"Aaaah! Emotions are weird!" - Amdee
"... Mirrorshades prevent the forces of normalcy from realizing that one is crazed and possibly dangerous. They are the symbol of the sun-staring visionary, the biker, the rocker, the policeman, and similar outlaws." - Bruce Sterling, preface to Mirrorshades

Being good at socializing isn't something you learn from the sort of shallow contact you're seeking. The ability to go on three dates a night with different women is no more indicitave of good social skills than my ability to blow three guys a night is indicitive of my extreme sexiness. You can always find a girl willing for a first date (same as I can find a random dude willing to accept a hummer). The hard part is finding someone who likes you enough for a second date. Or a tenth.

Food metaphor time: You're saying you want the ability to get as many twinkies as you want whenever you want while the Gladers are trying to suggest you learn how to acquire filet mignon, which is an entirely different skillset.

I agree with Tamaar, first dates are like fast food. It's cheap and easy as long as you have enough skills to walk up to someone and ask for stuff, but as you get older it's not good for your health.
Relationships are like home cooked meals. There's usually a lot of swearing and sweat, you'll need some knowledge of how things work and it can work out to be more expensive in the short run. But it is all worth it at the end for that yummy food that makes your tummy feel all warm and fuzzy. ^-^

It might, however, denote a certain efficiency. Write a book!

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It feels like all the people who want limited government really just want government limited to Republicans.
---The Daily Show

I will!



When you talk to a person, both your expressed moods generally shift to a compromise between the two. It's interesting. Also, many times I've stopped myself from saying stupid stuff. My conversations with girls tend to last longer than they used to. I usually ask leading questions when the conversation goes dry. I don't really like being an entertainer, so I just ask questions to fill in gaps. It's interesting to learn about people as well.



It takes hours every day and months of practice to be able to easily get a first date. (key word: easily)

I am looking for the right girl. This involves talking to tons and tons of girls, and having fun in the process. I don't want to settle, and I don't want to be a loner.

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"The map is not the territory."

Funny thing about that. Ask your self a question Lex. Would you prefer to be ignorant and happy or knowledgeable and miserable?

This is of course my own experience and may not be your as well. What I’ve realised is that the more guys I date, the harder it is to find my Mr right. Reasoning being the more I date, the more the “This is something I do not want” list grows, and finding that perfect someone to fit that bill becomes harder.

You also get a better idea of the extent the other person could go for you, and when your current refuses to go to that extent, you secretly compare and over time it does eat away at you with questions like “why doesn’t s/he love me as much as so and so did” “Am I doing something wrong?” “Am I just not attractive as before?” These are demons I’ve had to battle with in the past and they are not easily defeated most of the time.

The more you date, the more you have to settle as you slowly realise that humans by law can not be perfect. That you’ll have to compromise to achieve the perfect relationship, alternatively you end up searching for something only the rare few find. Many people will try to tell you later that the right one will come along. I have found that there is no single ‘right one’, there is those who love you enough to try to compromise. No more, no less.

Alternatively I could just be too cynical for my own good.

That all may be true, but sitting in my apartment staring at the wall won't help me much either.

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"The map is not the territory."

It's a double edged sword I know... life sux >.<

I guess the way out is to try to give every girl that comes along 100%. This also comes with the draw back of being hurt. The older I get, the harder life gets... and I thought EQ endgame was annoying >.<

It's really this simple:

I want to go out every day of the week. If not every day, then 6 of 7. A friend or a girl can accompany me or not. Every day is adventure day. Good adventures involve meeting people, and the best involve seduction.

I'm not a great adventurer yet because simply meeting people emotionally affects me, and I'm not charming enough. Some basic things still give me anxiety. But these are things I'm working on.

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"The map is not the territory."

charm is quite superficial and easy to achieve. Look well presented, vocalise your thoughts in a flattery manner, conduct yourself with confidence, add a touch of humor (and cologne) and facialise a smile and an easy to approach air.

Now the depth you need after the initial attraction is the annoying part, as each person finds different things attractive.

Charm involves not being emotionally attached to the outcome of an interaction. Charm also involves tons of experience with interacting with strangers. Also, charming people can keep cool when their fight or flight system is activated. What constitutes bold behavior to one man is normal behavior to the charming man. Charming people don't try to act charming. They just act themselves.

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"The map is not the territory."

Not true at all. 'Suave' is what you are describing. Also note that while 'charming people don't try to act charming', just being yourself doesn't equal charm. Thats like suggesting that, because beautiful girls don't have to wear makeup all I have to do to be beautiful is stop wearing makeup.

I'll let you in on a little secret. The right girl (or guy for that matter) isn't found, they are created.

They are created collaboratively through a good relationship. Certainly the starting point needs to be a compatable person who has enough similarities and appeal to be attractive to you, but enough differences to be interesting and intriguing. But you don't just find the "perfect" girl/guy.

Then the work comes in creating that "right" girl/guy. The work is a joint effort with both you and the potential partner compromising or changing themselves so that they become a better and better match for each other.

Being socially experienced in a variety of situations increases your "charm" or "suaveness".

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"The map is not the territory."

I can see how this is true, but I want really pretty children so I need to do work to get a pretty wife.

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"The map is not the territory."