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| Parents vs Grandparents - Is anyone still reading these? https://gladerebooted.net/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=11115 |
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| Author: | Foamy [ Thu Oct 02, 2014 11:31 am ] |
| Post subject: | Parents vs Grandparents - Is anyone still reading these? |
So, I have been regularly seeing my Dr. since that fateful Christmas day. He has been extremely helpful in teaching me how to actually listen to my feelings and come to terms with what I have done as it is for my own sanity and well-being. Over the course of our sessions, it came out that I may have left things unsaid and unresolved with my father. I always felt he was the victim of my manipulative mother and therefore never truly had his voice. What I have had to say to him was always filtered through my mother and I never seemed to be able to adequately communicate with him without her influence. What this led to is my request to see him alone at a session with the Doctor. He reluctantly agreed after much cajoling, but he did nonetheless. Our first meeting didn't go so well, as he didn't want to hear that I wanted to try and mend a relationship with him but not with my mother. There was anger and hateful things said, but after our meeting and on my way home, I got a phone call from him. He told me that it wasn't great, but it was a start and if I wanted to do this again he'd agree to meet with me at the Dr.'s office again. Due to conflicting availability and an unexpected death of my Dr's friend, the next appointment wouldn't be for another 3 weeks. In this interim time, I actually picked up his phone calls and made phone calls to him to try and coordinate a time. This is significant because for almost 2 years I haven't answered a single call from them, nor have I called them. What I heard from him after our first meeting left me honestly believing that, despite the difficulty of hearing what I have to say, we was at least willing to come back to continue the dialog and see where it may lead. ...I was wrong. I got to the appointment as close to the start time so I didn't have to sit and have a conversation with him in the waiting room. As I walked in the door, he was standing by the coffee machine getting himself some coffee. A short, tense greeting comes and passes and I sit down. I remove my glasses to rub my tired eyes and he turns around and asks me if I saw his coffee mug. I squint because I can't see without my glasses, but I put them back on. The mug reads "GRANDFATHER". With my realization, he then throws in "See that? It says Grandfather. I'm a Grandfather, remember?" and then goes right into "OK, are you bringing over the kids? When are we going to see them? Sunday?" Well, that set the tone for what was to come over the next hour. His petty digs at me were all that he came to accomplish. Instead of concentrating on a fair dialog to see what we could possibly hear and learn from each other, it turned into a shouting match (This is with the Doctor present, mind you). Him repeatedly telling me that I have no right to feel as I do, no right to be as hurt from the years of hating my mother, and no right to say that I don't want a relationship with a person who feels she has never done a thing wrong. At the end of the appointment with my 'father' still seated, I simply got up, told the Dr. to call me tomorrow to schedule another appointment and walked right out. I have done just about all I care to do at this point. I know that I will be 100% completely without regret if they should die today. There is nothing left unsaid, nothing left unsettled, nothing left unresolved. I have been as clear as I possibly can to them and they have chosen their pride over ever wanting to settle things with their son. I feel that I can stand before whomever may judge me in the afterlife and say that I tried as hard as I could to settle things with them. I am no saint, I am not a martyr...I can only suffer so much for them and I have chosen to no longer. I have myself, my wife and my kids to be strong for and I have given up ever feeling sad or regretful that I haven't done enough. |
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| Author: | Talya [ Thu Oct 02, 2014 1:32 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
You keep giving them opportunities to reconcile. They keep squandering it. I don't see how you've been anything but accommodating. This estrangement is on them, not use. |
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| Author: | shuyung [ Thu Oct 02, 2014 1:38 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
That's Taly attempting to speak Phillyan. Taly, the word is "youse". All joking aside, however, you have been more than gracious. You have gone above and beyond. There is nothing more you could do, short of lobotomizing some of the parties involved. You, your parents, that's your call. |
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| Author: | Corolinth [ Thu Oct 02, 2014 2:00 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Next time you feel magnanimous, ask your wife. If she says no, keep on having nothing to do with your parents. |
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| Author: | Foamy [ Thu Oct 02, 2014 2:20 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Keep in mind that the only reason I opened the door just a little was because in the course of my therapy with the Dr., it came to light that I may have felt that there were things I needed to be sure my Dad understood coming right from me, not filtered through my mother. I have said my peace to him directly and he has squandered it. I know that I will have no regrets when they kick. I have tried to talk and get through to them, they know my mind and have chosen to ignore it. I am at peace. |
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| Author: | Micheal [ Thu Oct 02, 2014 6:32 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Sad, but at least you are at peace with it. |
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| Author: | Squirrel Girl [ Fri Oct 03, 2014 4:02 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Parents vs Grandparents - Is anyone still reading these? |
Sad, but not altogether unexpected. Be careful, one of the next events will be when one of them becomes ill. People rarely change for the better when that happens. (I have seen this too many times to count.) |
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| Author: | Micheal [ Fri Oct 03, 2014 4:20 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
SG is correct. Have a few of those horror stories myself. |
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| Author: | Jasmy [ Fri Oct 03, 2014 8:06 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Parents vs Grandparents - Is anyone still reading these? |
My condolences to your "mother" and "father" on the loss of their son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren. They have made their bed and now they must suffer the consequences. Stay strong Foamy! |
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| Author: | Elmarnieh [ Wed Oct 08, 2014 3:38 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
I'd love to know how the Dr. reacted to him. |
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| Author: | Rorinthas [ Wed Oct 08, 2014 8:22 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Probably nothing he hasn't already seen. |
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| Author: | Foamy [ Mon Oct 13, 2014 1:46 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: |
Elmarnieh wrote: I'd love to know how the Dr. reacted to him. The doctor had to almost raise his voice to get in a word to my father and make him understand something other than the same BS he has been shovelling for all these years. I've never heard my Dr. raise his voice as he did when he was trying to talk to my dad. "Lets fix this" "We're going to fix this tonight" "This has to end" etc... That is all my 'father' keeps repeating with no acknowledgement of how their behavior has so deeply affected me through my life. When I had the audacity to suggest that my feelings of hate toward them have magnified because of how Oonagh feels because of their treatment, he piped in this lil' gem: Quote: Oh, this involves Laurie too? **insert Jackie Chan WTF meme here** YES DIPSHIT, this does involve the woman to whom I have been married for 13 years, who is the mother of my children, whom I love more than life itself. My soul is tired. Truly. I want this to all end (not my life, this tormenting situation). I doubt I'll have peace until one or both of them are gone. |
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| Author: | Lenas [ Mon Oct 13, 2014 1:58 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Re: |
Foamy wrote: I want this to all end. I doubt I'll have peace until one or both of them are gone. This is like some weird battered-child syndrome where you're in a perpetual state of abuse, separation and feigned forgiveness before the cycle repeats. |
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| Author: | Elmarnieh [ Mon Oct 13, 2014 2:17 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
On the bright side once the zombie apocalypse has passed you can just move into the old house once you clear it and then have no more issues. |
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| Author: | Foamy [ Mon Oct 13, 2014 2:24 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Re: |
Lenas wrote: Foamy wrote: I want this to all end. I doubt I'll have peace until one or both of them are gone. This is like some weird battered-child syndrome where you're in a perpetual state of abuse, separation and feigned forgiveness before the cycle repeats. As best as I can understand what goes on in the depths of my heart and mind, there is a tiny hidden away portion of my subconscious that still believes that I am holding, unneccessarily, onto the hate and the grudge. Mind you it isn't a significant part or else I would be ranting and raving here again about some stupid **** my mother did this time when she was babysitting my kids. It is there, nonetheless, and I will always feel like either was something else I should have tried or I should have put aside my and Laurie's feelings to somehow come to an accord. Trust me, I don't understand it any more than anyone here possibly could, but it is there and I hope to eventually have peace with this when they are gone. |
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| Author: | Elmarnieh [ Mon Oct 13, 2014 2:35 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
At least you're spiraling further away than closer in. |
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| Author: | Corolinth [ Mon Oct 13, 2014 3:15 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Your mother **** you up more than you will ever realize. Spend more time with your family. Specifically the ones who can't stand your mother. Become acquainted with what a poison she is to the people around her. |
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| Author: | FarSky [ Mon Oct 13, 2014 3:41 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: |
Elmarnieh wrote: At least you're spiraling further away than closer in. This, basically. |
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| Author: | Foamy [ Mon Oct 13, 2014 3:58 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: |
Elmarnieh wrote: At least you're spiraling further away than closer in. If this were in outer space, this would be a bad thing. |
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| Author: | Kaffis Mark V [ Mon Oct 13, 2014 4:06 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Re: |
Foamy wrote: Elmarnieh wrote: At least you're spiraling further away than closer in. If this were in outer space, this would be a bad thing. No, if this were in outer space, we'd just be hoping that you and your family achieved escape velocity to leave your mother's gravity well. |
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| Author: | Talya [ Wed Oct 15, 2014 7:11 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Re: |
Foamy wrote: Elmarnieh wrote: At least you're spiraling further away than closer in. If this were in outer space, this would be a bad thing. Your parents are a singularity - a black hole, and you're circling the event horizon. Spiraling further away is definitely not a bad thing. The alternative is to get crushed into oblivion at the center of it all. |
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| Author: | LadyKate [ Wed Oct 15, 2014 1:46 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Re: |
Foamy wrote: My soul is tired. Truly. I want this to all end (not my life, this tormenting situation). I doubt I'll have peace until one or both of them are gone. It gets a little better after one of them dies. After the second one passes away, that's when you finally let go of all the hate and anger and rage. Then you start remembering aaaaallllll the good things from your childhood that you couldn't see for so many years because of the anger. I'm totally serious. You'll remember times they held you when you were sick or something poignant they quietly told you when you were at the threshold of teenagerhood and trying to find yourself. Happy moments that you haven't remembered since they actually happened. It's pretty amazing. But after that is when you finally truly start grieving for the loss of what you never had: a healthy and loving relationship with the two people that are supposed to love you the most. You'll grieve and then the repressed happy memories and the sadness will cause a second wave of guilt and questioning whether you did the right thing and whether they were truly as awful as you think they were....your new perspective will cause you to give your own thoughts and memories a second review, because after they are gone and the anger goes with them, you see things differently. The shadow of their awfulness will be gone and you'll finally be able to see the things that you were doing wrong and the flaws in your character that were hidden behind the constant emotional turmoil....you'll get past that in therapy but be forewarned because it kind of sneaks up on you when you realize that your problems weren't 100% resolved by their deaths and that you have to admit some faults of your own. You'll then wonder if you had fixed your own small faults while they were still here, if that would have changed anything. Maybe, maybe not; you'll be sad for awhile thinking about it. Eventually, you will make peace with it all and be thankful for the happy memories you have with them and the wisdom gained from the rest of it. You'll promise yourself (again) that you'll be a better parent then they were, and you'll speak fondly of them to your children and resurrect past family traditions and appreciate the memories that you have of them. So, maybe you'll have peace when they are gone, but it's not exactly the kind of peace you were expecting. |
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| Author: | Müs [ Wed Oct 15, 2014 1:56 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
My dad hit my mom when I was 5. Divorce soon followed. I never had much contact with him afterwards. To tell you everything you need to know about him: My birthday is on 2/16. He pro-rated the final child support check to midnight on the 15th. He died two or so years ago after trying multiple times to get me to contact him. My reaction? "Huh, he's dead now?" /shrug. It was like reading about a celebrity death in the paper. But one of those dudes that was like super old and you thought was dead years ago. It may sound callous, but I hope one day your parents are those celebrity deaths. They have inflicted much pain on you and your beautiful family. I don't wish them dead, cause that's a **** up thing to do. But I wish you the detachment and freedom from their bullshit. |
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| Author: | Foamy [ Thu Oct 16, 2014 7:39 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Parents vs Grandparents - Is anyone still reading these? |
LadyKate: I honestly don't see that happening. Your point is valid, I'm sure, for some. But I just don't see it happening for me. They weren't there for me as a teenager. I fought the world alone and was a casualty of the war between the two of them. I have so little to thank them for in making me who I am today. My wife and (if you can believe this) Elmo have been large positive influences on my life, moreso than either of my parents ever were for me. The man/husband/father that I am today are shaped mainly by opposite example of what I witnessed between my parents. I learned from Laurie, through much trial and error, how to be a better, more giving, more understanding of others' feelings, person. I have so little that I can look back on that is good that it is practically non-existent. I have tried repeatedly to reach out to them and make them understand how broken-hearted and emotionally damaged by them and their actions, and all I get in return is pettiness and their finger pointing. They tell me I am angry and the hate will devour my life and health. This couldn't be further from the truth. I am a happier person without the specter of going to see them or appease them with my children hanging over me. There are stresses in life, many that are unavoidable, but I have removed the one that can be avoided. Yes, it is taking its toll on them, but I can't be responsible for how those two grown adults handle their stress. They tell me everything is my fault. They yell and scream at each other because they can figure out how to communicate with me and when their fights go off the rails and things get broken or one of them has to flee the house, I get the call. "Jay, YOU'VE caused this. Your father can't handle this. He just wants to talk to you. If he goes to the hospital, it's your fault." He had his chance to listen to me and not throw petty insults. He had his chance to speak with me without the influence of my 'mother'. He had his chance to understand why his son of soon to be 40 years has held a lifetime of hatred towards the very women who gave birth to me. He took that chance I gave him to continue being petty and to continue finger-pointing. He kept telling me "Just get over it and move on" without an iota of understanding of how I have gotten to this point. I have lost already, and I have grieved. My "relationship" with them is long dead and I have grieved for that loss. I don't know what could possibly ever change to make me believe that they will ever be different. She would have to come to me with the flames of the Holy Spirit burning atop her head for me to believe there would be a difference in her behavior. Years ago, she almost died when a tree branch broke and smashed into her windshield while she was driving. The steering wheel was dented all to hell and the branch was mere inches from her face. She was THAT close to death. My dad said after that happened and she continued to be the awful person that she was, "I really thought that experience would change her". So, I have my doubts that even the miracle of the Holy Spirit would likely change her. |
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| Author: | Corolinth [ Thu Oct 16, 2014 7:50 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Parents vs Grandparents - Is anyone still reading these? |
At some point, you have to go from giving people one more chance to giving them their last chance. For Foamy, that was five years ago. He continued to give them one more chance, to the detriment of his both his health and the safety of his child. |
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