The Glade 4.0
https://gladerebooted.net/

I am NOT strong!
https://gladerebooted.net/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=1337		 Page 1 of 2
Author:  LadyKate [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 12:54 pm ]
Post subject:  I am NOT strong!
There has got to be ONE, at least ONE place where I can be real. I have to spend 9 hours a day at work pretending not to be dying inside. I have to pretend on Face Book that I am happy for the 6 women on my friends list that have had babies since Jimmy died and plaster their photos all over their pages. I spend Christmas with a family member whose baby was due the same day as Jimmy and the sweet little baby cried NONSTOP the entire time; constant reminder but I had to smile and be happy for them! Even at home...my stepdaughter gets abdominal cramps and diarrea if I even look sad; her anxiety is so high. My son gets worried and anxious and tries to comfort me, and my husband is already moving on and enjoying life. He has found a way to move past his grief and function daily and laugh, etc all the while claiming he is still "so sad."
I have to be an inspiration, a shining example at church. I quit smoking. I'm not allowed to swear. I feel like I'm in a box.
I have to pay someone $80 an hour once a week to listen to my feelings because I can't do it anywhere else.
I have to keep it all locked inside because everyone needs me to be ok, to be happy, and God forbid I "take away someone elses joy" by being upset, or that I "upstage someone with my grief." WTF!!!

Well **** everyone I've had it! I'm not happy, I'm miserable, and I **** miss my goddam baby!!!
I don't want to work, I don't want to do anything except sit at his grave and cry and yell.
And yes, I am aware that my sweet little angel is in heaven, but that doesn't **** make me feel better because he is NOT HERE!!! ****!! I HATE EVERYONE WHO IS HAPPY AND EVERYONE WHO HAS BABIES!!!!
Author:  Vindicarre [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 1:10 pm ]
Post subject: 
Scream, cry, rail at the injustice of it, knowing that is your right; that it may grant you a moment's respite. I bid you do this, knowing that these burdens aren't yours to carry alone. Peace, gracious mother, I wish you peace.
Author:  Foamy [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 1:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I am NOT strong!
/hugs

This is all I can do to help you. I am so sad for you.

Though I can not directly relate to your loss, I know the pain. Oonagh and I found her brother when he committed suicide.

We miss him. I still think I am going to see him again and I have to deal with the hollow feeling that our brother, friend, gaming buddy...is gone.

I have shed tears reading all of what you have posted in the past several months. I have also cried a little when my parental situation was at its worst and your supportive words were there for me, and then again just now as I read what you posted.

Be as strong as you can. Let out your grief, don't let it consume you. All I can tell you is that time does heal all wounds.
Author:  Screeling [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 1:12 pm ]
Post subject: 
I feel you.
Author:  Lenas [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 1:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
I can't say I know how you feel, and I don't think offering condolences is what you need, but I do want to say one thing. **** anyone that tries to tell you how you should be grieving over your loss. Do what you need to do.
Author:  Foamy [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 1:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I am NOT strong!
What Lenas said 100%
Author:  Squirrel Girl [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 2:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I am NOT strong!
What is happening to you is normal. Being angry is normal. Come here to vent.

*hugs tight*
Author:  Jasmy [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 3:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I am NOT strong!
Let it all out, LadyKate! We are here for you!

/hugs
Author:  FarSky [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:15 pm ]
Post subject: 
Based on what we know of you from your postings here, you're stronger than you know, or at least feel right now.

Like Vindi said, be strong. Be weak. Cry, scream, do whatever you need.

Find yourself and your own peace when and where can. The world can deal. Work out your grief for yourself, and let everything else fall where it may.
Author:  Gorse [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I am NOT strong!
You have already proven you are strong because you are trying to hold the grief and not hurt others. You are not wrong to be grieving still and holding it inside will not help.


In your husband's defense, men grieve differently than women and fathers grieve differently than mothers. I know from my experience it took some time, but my wife compained (similarly to your statements) about it being unfair that I was able to move on more quickly than her.

The fact is that six months (it was six for us, I can't remember for certain, it may have been a bit longer for you) of physical, hormonal and emotional bonding effects the mother much more deep and even in ways the father can never know. While that does not make it easier on you now, it is something that fathers will never know beyond careful observation of the mother to be.


Share with your husband. I suspect he is hurting too, just in different ways than you.
Author:  Monte [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:32 pm ]
Post subject: 
I'm sorry.

/hug
Author:  Kaffis Mark V [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:34 pm ]
Post subject: 
The other folks here have offered good advice. I feel I should point out something that everybody else hasn't -- Nitefox isn't a monster; I'm sure he is also grieving (and perhaps even putting on the front you grow weary of) in his own way. I suspect, for instance, that his recent scarcity around here might be a big part of that; socializing with the community with whom he had for so long shared the excitement of awaiting your child's birth.

Edit: Ninja'd by Gorse, who seems to be saying much the same thing as I wanted to.

We're here to listen, LK, whatever it is you need to say.
Author:  Hopwin [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 5:14 pm ]
Post subject: 
Is there anyone you trust and/or value that you can confide in in-person? Even a casual acquaintance who will just listen for a while.
Author:  darksiege [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 5:34 pm ]
Post subject: 
/hugs kate.

I do not even know how to fully vocalize or type enough of a heartfelt response. So I must defer to the wisdom of those other who have posted.
Author:  Kirra [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I am NOT strong!
Kate,

I was compelled to register here at the Glade after reading your thread on Baby James..you were so kind, sharing your story with me, giving me words of comfort, even after what had happened. I understand your pain, I didn't have as many months to bond, but I know the loss, yours is so much greater though. You have made me laugh and smile with your wit and humor, and I have found a wonderful group of people who have given me support and advice because of you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and you have my ear anytime you feel the need.
Author:  Colphax [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 7:07 pm ]
Post subject: 
Kate: Do what you gotta do to heal. Who the eff cares what strangers think? Let it out.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. It's a process, not a switch. It takes time, you just need more than others.

It sounds like you are doing everything right. Keep at it! We're here for you, whatever you need. Thoughts and prayers for you from me as well.
Author:  Micheal [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 9:15 pm ]
Post subject: 
/hugs

You can pm me anytime. While not on the same level, I think a lot of here have been grieving for Jimmy in our own way and wishing we could help you and Nitefox in some manner.

We won't mind if you come here and scream.
Author:  Rodahn [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:00 pm ]
Post subject: 
I won't patronize you by offering any kind of stale platitude or cliche, but I will say that I feel the same way about people in relationships, or people in good jobs, or people generally content with their life. So for what it's worth, you are not alone in the angry frustration thing.

I will echo the stay strong sentiment, however.
Author:  Taamar [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:24 pm ]
Post subject: 
{hugs}

Hurting is normal. It sucks, but it happens. While reading your posts I cried about the babies I lost (twin boys) 14 years ago...eventually it stops intruding every day, but it never really goes away. I still can't look at twins without feeling a little sick. I can tell you that for the rest of your life you'll find yourself looking at the other kids and thinking 'Jimmy would be that age too'. And that you'll cry. And that there are other people out there doing the same thing, and anyone who judges us for it can take their happy little asses to hell; when we feel like a bag of broken glass being shaken it's hard to give a damn what anyone else thinks.

Why knows? Maybe Jimmy is in Heaven with Ian and Andrew so they don't have to be as lonely as we are down here.
Author:  Rodahn [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:34 pm ]
Post subject: 
I agree with Taamar's above statement that eventually it will fade enough to where it does not constantly intrude.

Time does NOT heal wounds, it only numbs them. Sometimes we have to just accept the compromises that life hands us, because they are ultimately for our own good.
Author:  Micheal [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I am NOT strong!
for those unfamiliar with it there is a model called the seven stages of grief, spoilered below.

Spoiler:
Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.


I'm sure LadyKate's counselor has shared it with her. Several things you should know about the model.

The stages are not sequential, you will not necessarily go through them in that order, you may repeat stages, you wil most likely go through all seven stages. These are the normal stages of grief, feeling any of them is okay, is normal, is the process almost everyone goes through when they lose someone important to them.

My grief is not your grief. LadyKate's grief is her own. We may know what it is like, but we do not know what it is to her. Reactions and emotional levels happen differently for different people. I still return to Stage 4 on a regular basis. You folks have helped me through the stages more than I think you realize. Do not be afraid of the stages, just go with them. Saying I know what you are going through is one of the most irritating things you can imagine to someone grieving. Your grieving is solitary, people may have been through the grief process several times, each time is different. No one knows for certain what you are going through, but they may have had similar experiences.

The most we can offer is our caring and support. Knowing there are people that care about you is one of the most important parts of getting through the stages.

I just wish I had someone to hug right now.
Author:  Müs [ Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I am NOT strong!
Micheal wrote:

I just wish I had someone to hug right now.


Don't we all.
Author:  Jasmy [ Thu Jan 07, 2010 2:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I am NOT strong!
/group hug!!
Author:  LadyKate [ Thu Jan 07, 2010 8:08 am ]
Post subject: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtnkSAKUcSk
Author:  Raell [ Thu Jan 07, 2010 8:10 am ]
Post subject: 
Get a baseball bat. Smash some ****.


Edit: Very nice LK...
Page 1 of 2 All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
https://www.phpbb.com/