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Deathbed promise vs. stolen dead baby name.
https://gladerebooted.net/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=165		 Page 1 of 2
Author:  LadyKate [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 10:20 am ]
Post subject:  Deathbed promise vs. stolen dead baby name.
I've already made up my mind, just curious as to what you guys would do:

The last real conversation I had with my mom before she died, we discussed baby names. It was agreed upon that if the baby was a girl, it would be named after her, and if the baby was a boy, it would be named after my dad (who passed away when my oldest son was a baby). Mom was very pleased with this; she was happy with it.
My mom died before we found out the sex of the baby, but we are having a boy.
So we chose the name James Elvis....James was my dads first name, and Elvis was my birth father's middle name. This was a way for me to honor both of my daddies.

When we chose the name, I posted lots of things on facebook about my "sweet baby James" including links to the song by James Taylor. Everyone in the family was well aware of the baby's name (and WHY we chose it), including Nitefox' exwife, who coincidentally happened to be pregnant at the time as well. She and the baby's father had decided to name the baby Gage, but spelled "Gauge."

At 21 weeks pregnant, very sadly and without reason, her baby died in utero. I went to visit her at the hospital about an hour after she had given birth to a stillborn little boy. I, along with friends and family, helped to comfort her, move to her hospital room, etc. I also took pictures of the baby for her.

Here's the thing: At the hospital, she ditched the name Gauge and put James on the birth certificate.
That is what is on his headstone as well.
Now, when she talks about her dead 'sweet baby James' I am quite uncomfortable. I told her as much and she mentioned that it was the name of someone in her family that had passed away who was important to her.



Here is my question: Would you keep the name James for your baby, or change it?
Author:  FarSky [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 10:26 am ]
Post subject: 
Keep it. She sounds kinda cuckoo. Don't let her crazy institutionalize a regret for you. (Maybe I'm being harsh, and "James" was a name she was going to choose, but the way your story is laid out, it sounds as though she single-white-femaled the name away because you'd chosen it.)

Also...,
Quote:
I went to visit her at the hospital about an hour after she had given birth to a stillborn little boy. I, along with friends and family, helped to comfort her, move to her hospital room, etc. I also took pictures of the baby for her.

...you are a wonderful person. Don't let her take advantage of that.
Author:  Colphax [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 10:45 am ]
Post subject: 
Keep the name James. Don't let her situation weird you out--she is not you, and you chose the name before her unfortunate situation.
Author:  Aizle [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 10:46 am ]
Post subject: 
I say keep it.
Author:  Nitefox [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 10:52 am ]
Post subject: 
I want it kept just so you guys know. I think my ex did it intentionally. Just so you guys can have a little more clarity, my ex held the funeral for her son the same day as our wedding, later claiming that she "didn't know".

LK, I've told you this already, if she has a problem with it it's on her not you. She is setting herself up to be a victim again when our son is born. I hate to say it, but I think she craves the attention it brings.
Author:  Xerxes [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 10:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Deathbed promise vs. stolen dead baby name.
Keep it.... I understand your trepidation on following through. You chose the name first and should be able to continue with that choice no matter why she changed her mind.
Author:  Corolinth [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 10:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Deathbed promise vs. stolen dead baby name.
So let me get this straight, her baby dies and she uses the name you planned to give your child? And then she starts quoting James Taylor, like you had done for weeks during your pregnancy? Frankly, it sounds to me like she's a bitter **** who's trying to do everything possible to bring you down because your baby is healthy and was fathered by her ex-husband (who you're now married to). **** that *****. She doesn't exist. If some random couple in China was going to name their baby boy James, would that stop you? **** no!

I've got an idea for you, though: change the order. Name your boy Elvis James. That way he can grow up to be The King just like his father.

But I'm just some random **** on the internet.
Author:  Vindicarre [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 12:20 pm ]
Post subject: 
If you want the baby named James, keep it. If you think it'll be an issue for you to have the baby's name associated with this unfortunate turn of events, and you desire to change it, change it. Let this woman's desires or feelings on the matter have nothing to do with your decision.

That probably wasn't much help, sorry.
Author:  Lonedar [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 1:19 pm ]
Post subject: 
Keep it!

From one James to another!
Author:  Ladas [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 1:24 pm ]
Post subject: 
Why would you photograph the still born baby?

That is just creepy, and certainly not something I would want to see if I were the mom (or the dad for that matter).
Author:  LadyKate [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 1:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re:
Ladas wrote:
Why would you photograph the still born baby?

That is just creepy, and certainly not something I would want to see if I were the mom (or the dad for that matter).


Her doctors and her advisors told her it would be a wise thing to do as part of the healing process. Per her request, I took artful closeups of the hands holding onto grandmother's finger for perspective and the tiny feet. Nothing else.
Author:  Ladas [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 1:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
Its still creepy... even more so that one of the images was staged to resemble a living child (holding grandmother's finger).

Not faulting you by any stretch, just commenting in general on the practice.
Author:  LadyKate [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 1:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Deathbed promise vs. stolen dead baby name.
I won't disagree with you. At 21 weeks, this baby did not look like a little doll. That is why I had to get creative with the photos. She wanted pics, but didn't want any of his face or head, which I thought was a good idea. (Later, too late, she wished she had pics of all of him.)
As far as modeling with him holding grandmas finger, that was the one and only reason that the photos actually were not disturbing.
Author:  Foamy [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 2:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Deathbed promise vs. stolen dead baby name.
I would say unless it bothers you, you should keep the name as you intended to do in the first place.
Author:  LadyKate [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 2:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Deathbed promise vs. stolen dead baby name.
I have to admit that it did make me angry for awhile, because every time I went to hum or sing "sweet baby James" or mention it on FB it would make me sad and cry for her loss. Which made me worry about how she would feel with my baby James around all the time and her children talking about their new little brother.
I've since come back down to reality and realized, that, like Nitefox said, this was her own doing...of all the names in the world she could have picked or changed her mind to, she chose this one knowing full well that we decided months beforehand that our son would be named James.

Thanks for the input and for letting me vent just a wee-little bit. ;)
Author:  Midgen [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 2:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
This seems like a completely personal/family decision to me.
Author:  Aegnor [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 3:57 pm ]
Post subject: 
On both my older brother and myself, my Mom had "made public" the name that they had chosen for the child she was pregnant with. In both cases a relative used that name for their baby and my Mom had to change. For my younger sister she told no one.
Author:  Lenas [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 4:05 pm ]
Post subject: 
I say keep it. My apologies to Nitefox if I'm out of line, but you can't let that ***** ruin a promise to your mother.
Author:  Screeling [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 4:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
If want the name, keep it.
Author:  Müs [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 4:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re:
Ladas wrote:
Its still creepy... even more so that one of the images was staged to resemble a living child (holding grandmother's finger).

Not faulting you by any stretch, just commenting in general on the practice.



I'll agree with this. Its about one of the creepiest damn things I've heard of all year.
Author:  Corolinth [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 5:59 pm ]
Post subject: 
I'm going to emphasize the same point I was trying to get across to Foamy. You can't let a crazy ***** influence your actions.
Author:  Raell [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 10:06 pm ]
Post subject: 
Keep the name, you had it first. She is just **** with your head.
Author:  Colphax [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 10:42 pm ]
Post subject: 
I agree with everyone who's said that if she has a problem with your son being named James that it is her problem. The nice side of me says her choosing to name her stillborn child James was made in a confusing time of grief. The cynical side of me says it was a way to get attention or to disrupt your happiness.

If its the former, she'll understand and it won't be an issue. If its the latter, that's just sad, and any angst that arises out of it is entirely her fault.
Author:  Micheal [ Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:06 pm ]
Post subject: 
In five years, little James will be called Jim or Jimmy by everyone and be trying to learn how to sing You Ain't Nothing but a Hound Dog. Only the ex will remember her bitter attempt to mess with you.

She doesn't have the right to strike James from your list of name choices. James is a very common name, and a good one. Keep your original plan.

She's no Wookie, don't let her win.
Author:  darksiege [ Tue Sep 15, 2009 3:08 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Deathbed promise vs. stolen dead baby name.
Keep it. As it was a promise you made to your mother. And I agree fully with Coro here
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