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Sooooo....here comes little miss judgemental...
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Author:  LadyKate [ Fri Apr 02, 2010 8:25 am ]
Post subject:  Sooooo....here comes little miss judgemental...
...that'd be me, by the way.

I have a friend who recently went through a custody battle and divorce that was really hard on her. The judge had awarded temporary custody of one child to her and one child to the dad for several months. We (family and friends) were all there for her and the boys and shoulders to cry on, take the boys out, etc. They finally went to court, it was messy, but she won and has both kids now.
She and her ex lost their house when it was foreclosed on so her and her two sons are living with her parents...(not ideal people for young kids to be around, with the depression and the smoking indoors and the obesity and laziness and other things...)
Anyway. There is an acquaintance of mine that has been a friend of hers for years and he has been married the whole time. There has been a lot of drama over the past several years about my female friend being "the other woman" and his wife has been very upset about this, monitors his emails, phone calls, etc but they snuck around to talk to each other because "they are just friends and NOTHING has ever been between them!"
So he announces, finally, that he is getting a divorce and starts dating my friend.
The ink on her divorce papers isn't even dry yet, and his haven't even been created. There are two small boys in this mix who need a lot, but their mom is out and about all the time with her new boyfriend. (She doesn't have time for friends or family these days.)

I don't want to be her friend anymore. This disgusts me, angers me, and I don't want to be around her.
Does this make me a bad person? It's very un-christianlike, no?
Author:  Ladas [ Fri Apr 02, 2010 8:40 am ]
Post subject: 
Depending on what grounds she was awarded custody over the father, she is probably in jeopardy of losing it.
Author:  LadyKate [ Fri Apr 02, 2010 8:49 am ]
Post subject: 
You'd think so, but she has a great lawyer and there is something in the divorce/custody agreement that makes the decision permanent. The dad cannot take her to court and get custody back.
Author:  Taskiss [ Fri Apr 02, 2010 8:51 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Sooooo....here comes little miss judgemental...
LadyKate wrote:
I don't want to be her friend anymore. This disgusts me, angers me, and I don't want to be around her.
Does this make me a bad person? It's very un-christianlike, no?

Nope, you're judged by the company you keep. If you want to keep you christian l33t skilz, then pray for her, but otherwise just be pleasant to her but do what you gotta do.
Author:  LadyKate [ Fri Apr 02, 2010 8:56 am ]
Post subject: 
Thanks Taskiss...I somehow have it in my head that being a good christian means being friends with everyone and setting a good example and blah blah blah I'm only human....good to hear that its ok to not like someone or not be around them.
Praying for her, that will be tough, but I think I should.
Author:  Ladas [ Fri Apr 02, 2010 9:10 am ]
Post subject:  Re:
LadyKate wrote:
You'd think so, but she has a great lawyer and there is something in the divorce/custody agreement that makes the decision permanent. The dad cannot take her to court and get custody back.

Unless she has custody due to a TPR, that is not accurate, unless there is something really freaky in MS. family law. However, I find it hard to believe such a law would be in place given the potential danger in which it would place the children.

Now, is it a given she will lose custody? No, mainly because the divorce is finalized, so the arguments regarding cohabitation and adultery that occured while they were still married don't really apply any longer (big surprise why he waited to "announce" after that). However, if it was a messy divorce and hotly contested custody, an argument could be made by his attorney to revisit custody. Whether or not it has any traction would depend highly upon her activities and what they can link from her affair with this married man. The paramour's wife's attorney (and likely investigator at this point) will attempt to produce a treasure trove of information that will paint their relationship (between married man and divorced woman that is), and directly or indirectly her, in the worst possible light. Her ex-husband can use that information to petition for a custody change.
Author:  Hopwin [ Fri Apr 02, 2010 9:25 am ]
Post subject: 
Too many people rush into marriages and stay in them for the wrong reasons. I have no problem with what's transpired "romantically" above (assuming they were both faithful to their spouses). Spouse C (?) was stupid to stay, if you doubt your husband to the point where you are monitoring their emails, phone calls and movements then just leave.

I do have a problem with the children being ignored/neglected.
Author:  Screeling [ Fri Apr 02, 2010 9:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re:
LadyKate wrote:
I somehow have it in my head that being a good christian means being friends with everyone and setting a good example and blah blah blah I'm only human

I've had this problem too. We want to be seen as good Christians so we adopt attitudes that aren't necessarily authentic to our everyday habit. When I try to "be spiritual" I start trying to act and sound like my pastor. As much as I love the guy, he and I are totally separate people and it doesn't "fit" with me.

God makes you effective by using you as you are and pouring His Spirit into you.

That said, prayer is definitely needed here. I think its perfectly fine to be disgusted. If your friendship was such that you confided in each other, though, my advice would be to keep hanging around. It's not judgmental to call sin "sin." But you can talk about it to her in a way that encourages repentance rather than heaps condemnation on her.

A man who has many friends may come to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. - Proverbs 18:24

Make sure your counsel is laden with admonition, yet tempered with love and grace.
Author:  LadyKate [ Fri Apr 02, 2010 10:37 am ]
Post subject: 
Ladas...not really sure exactly, but yes I do worry about that. The father was grilling the oldest boy for details of "what mommy and that guy were doing" last weekend.....

Screeling--Thats awesome, I really needed to hear that. I feel the same way but sometimes am confused about it or afraid that I'm wrong if I don't "talk like everyone else" but when I do, it doesn't feel right. I think you are correct that we have to find our own way as God is using us just as we are....like the group of tattooed evangelists that turned other Christians off, but when they went to inner cities it was only the christians covered in tattoos and piercings that anyone was taking seriously.
Huh. Food for thought. Thanks man.
Author:  Lenas [ Fri Apr 02, 2010 12:38 pm ]
Post subject: 
Everyone in the situation, minus the children, is stupid.

Stop hanging around raggedy *****.
Author:  Taamar [ Fri Apr 02, 2010 12:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Sooooo....here comes little miss judgemental...
I'm probably not the one to talk about 'how to be a Christian', but...

If you stop trying to act the way you think other people think a 'Christian' ought to and start living a more Christ-like life you really can't go wrong.

So... a Christ-like way to handle this? You tell your 'friend' that you love and support her but don't approve of her choices right now. That you'll be there when she's over it, but that you can't be a part of her drama. And offer to be there for her kids, because they're gonna need a stable, sane adult.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being disgusted... and the shittiness of her behaviour isn't just rooted in Christian morality; I'm about as pagan as they come, and I'm disgusted by it. It's not just 'sinful', it's selfish and unethical.
Author:  darksiege [ Fri Apr 02, 2010 10:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re:
Lenas wrote:
Everyone in the situation, minus the children, is stupid.

Stop hanging around raggedy *****.


Taskiss wrote:
Nope, you're judged by the company you keep.


These sum up my feelings on the situation. And since you are a person who desires to not push your values out the window... I will not recommend that you tell her anything about the way she is making you feel. Unless she presses you for an honest opinion.
Author:  Aizle [ Mon Apr 05, 2010 11:02 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Sooooo....here comes little miss judgemental...
Taamar wrote:
I'm probably not the one to talk about 'how to be a Christian', but...

If you stop trying to act the way you think other people think a 'Christian' ought to and start living a more Christ-like life you really can't go wrong.

So... a Christ-like way to handle this? You tell your 'friend' that you love and support her but don't approve of her choices right now. That you'll be there when she's over it, but that you can't be a part of her drama. And offer to be there for her kids, because they're gonna need a stable, sane adult.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being disgusted... and the shittiness of her behaviour isn't just rooted in Christian morality; I'm about as pagan as they come, and I'm disgusted by it. It's not just 'sinful', it's selfish and unethical.


This.
Author:  Lydiaa [ Mon Apr 05, 2010 6:39 pm ]
Post subject: 
depends on how good of a friend and how much you understand her.

Remember at the end of the day we all do stupid stuff, it's human nature. I kinda went through a similar situation just a little while ago. Support her, but tell her she's been stupid (not every 5 minutes)... if she was a sane person before this, than more than likely the infactuation will pass and she will become sane once more. If not, at least you can be there for the kids.
Author:  LadyKate [ Mon Apr 05, 2010 7:37 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thanks guys. :)
So far she is too busy with her new guy to even text any of her friends so I'll just hang back for awhile.
Author:  Micheal [ Mon Apr 05, 2010 8:04 pm ]
Post subject: 
Going to echo pretty much everyone else here. It is okay to make decisions based on your evaluation of a situation. If you can, just keep hanging back and when she contacts you, let her do all the talking at first, listen sympathetically. When she comes up for air, let her know how you feel about the foolishness of her behavior, and how both of them are rebounding like crazy and this is a bad thing overall, not to mention how confusing the kids are going to find this.

Then go back and read Taamar's post, she sums it up pretty well.
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