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The noose at the end of my rope
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Author:  damaged [ Tue May 11, 2010 5:42 pm ]
Post subject:  The noose at the end of my rope
I have hit the end of my rope, and there's a noose there. I've never been in this position before, and it's uncomfortable, I feel like I'm falling apart. I spent the night in the ER a few weeks back for a suspected heart attack, turned out to be nothing major, at least physically. BP great, all the enzymes and chemicals and whatnot in the right neighborhood, they even did a stress echo, which, as a pack a day smoker pissed them off when I made it the whole 10 minutes (good thing I have a dog to walk every day). Mentally, I'm a wreck. Right now my doctor is playing pin the anti-depressant on the donkey. Pristiq, well, that's a big negative. I've got a follow up Thursday to try something else, and probably a refill on Xanax, or a switch to another anti-anxiety med, since I'm taking 3mg (recommended 1mg every 8 hours) to 5 or 6mg (on a bad day, which seem to be the days ending in y except weekends).

Before anyone says you can get through difficult times without meds, keep it out of my thread, this is my rant, and if you don't like it you can go **** yourself.

There's a lot of depressing **** going on in my personal life, but the chief source of stress is my job. I want to quit. Hell, if I want to have a shot at getting my **** together I *need* to quit. But I'm lost in the woods right now. I've worked in IT for over a decade now, and this is the first time I've actually needed to quit a job, and I honestly don't know if I can stomach another crack at an IT gig right now. In the past it's always been leaving with something else lined up. But for now, all I want to do is just take some time away from it all, and decompress. Sit on my ***, play some video games, catch up on cooking dinner for my wife, housework, just mindless activities to fill the day while I try and figure out what to do. I'm to the point where nothing interests me any more. I don't want to learn anything, I have no goals, no aspirations, just numb and empty except for deep seated pain. Somewhere in the last few months I lost something precious, and until I find it, I'm at the edge of an abyss, clinging by a fingernail, trying to decide if it's worth it to try and claw my way out of the pit, or just let go and fall to sweet oblivion.
Author:  Rynar [ Tue May 11, 2010 6:40 pm ]
Post subject: 
You and your happiness are worth far too much to let things fall to pieces. Things will get better. I'll be praying for you.
Author:  Xerxes [ Tue May 11, 2010 7:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The noose at the end of my rope
I'm sorry you're going trhough all of that stress damaged. For your work related "time off" is there any way you could ask for a sabbatical while under doctors orders to "destress" ?

Some work places allow it, others don't.
Author:  Lydiaa [ Tue May 11, 2010 8:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The noose at the end of my rope
Take unpaid leave if you have to, but don't quit.

Take a nice long month off and do nothing, and I mean absolutely no work, just enjoy the day. It's possible you're just going through a quarter life crisis where you question where you are going in life. Hell when I went through it, I flew to Las vegas almost the next week and just left everything.

This does happen, and while the meds could help for a short time, you need to change your own view on things before it'll get better. And your view will not change if you're stuck in a routine.

I hope you get better hun, you'll be in my thoughts.
Author:  Hopwin [ Tue May 11, 2010 8:55 pm ]
Post subject: 
Most companies are required to provide time off under FMLA for mental impairments, even temporary ones like a "break-down".
Author:  LadyKate [ Tue May 11, 2010 10:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re:
Hopwin wrote:
Most companies are required to provide time off under FMLA for mental impairments, even temporary ones like a "break-down".


This. You are allowed 3 months of unpaid leave with your job secure.

Time for action man. It's not getting any better and you know it. There is not a magic pill either, but you can keep looking if you want. I'm just telling you...I've tried them all. Action is what is required of you now. Just like that ol silly bandaid analogy. Just rip it off. You'll feel better.
But, again, you know these things and we have all told them to you before. How much encouragement do you need, man?
Author:  darksiege [ Tue May 11, 2010 10:44 pm ]
Post subject: 
damaged,

You know man... I wish I could be told to get the **** out of your thread.. but if meds are what is keeping you from using that noose... keep on them homie. I normally would not advocate drug use... but if you have a problem and the doctor thinks you need them, defer to his wisdom.

I would love to see you turn this around and make that noose into a rope swing. Stay strong mano, I will be sending wishes for a positive outcome for you.
Author:  Lenas [ Tue May 11, 2010 11:36 pm ]
Post subject: 
Not sarcasm, take a hallucinogen. I've read about them being used to bring people out of slumps like yours.

Plus, they're fun!
Author:  Screeling [ Wed May 12, 2010 1:16 am ]
Post subject: 
Hang in there dude. You're the only who knows the kind of cornhole pain I'm going through. I need you, man!

I'll pray for you as well.
Author:  damaged [ Wed May 12, 2010 9:38 am ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for all the thoughts folks. I considered a leave of absence, that sort of thing, but at the end of the day decided moving on is the absolute best thing for my health and well being. Basically, I work in an IT sweat shop. I've been here right about 6 months, and in that time have seen at least 6 people leave, from those who were fairly new, to those who have been here for some time. It has gotten to the point here where I doubt my own skills and abilities, and I fail to see the point in returning to a company that put me in this kind of mental mess in the first place.

The anti-depressants and anti-anxiety aren't long term. My wife, doctor, and I have been quite thorough in looking into the alternatives, and have decided that the medication is the best alternative for the time being.

Fortunately, my wife makes more than I do, and I think once I've had a chance to step back, take stock of my life, and get my head in order, I'll be ready to move on to the next step of my career. I've already started some tenative feelers, my resume is up to date, and after 2 weeks of downtime doing house and yard work, cooking meals, and playing video games (not to mention getting my dog out for nice long walks), I'll be in a better place, and ready to job hunt. I have some minimum requirements, but since my wife does well enough financially to almost cover everything on her own, I could literally work part time at gamestop if I wanted to... I'll actually be applying there, and several other places, for a part time job, while concentrating on full time employment.

Quitting this job is really for the best. When every friend I have in the world takes one look at me and comments that I need to quit, including my wife, then it's time to take those words to heart, and move on. I'm scared to take the plunge, but no job is worth dying for. Outside of the military, but that's a different story.
Author:  damaged [ Wed May 12, 2010 9:38 am ]
Post subject:  Re:
Lenas wrote:
Not sarcasm, take a hallucinogen. I've read about them being used to bring people out of slumps like yours.

Plus, they're fun!


Been there, talked to the powers that be, but the guardian at the threshold is a bit much for me to take on any more. :)
Author:  LadyKate [ Wed May 12, 2010 9:45 am ]
Post subject: 
Glad to hear you are getting away from that place! I hope you feel much better soon and that you and your wife can enjoy some happy time and that you find a less stressful and more satisfying job.
Yay!! How are you feeling now that you've made your decision? And when is your last day?
Author:  damaged [ Wed May 12, 2010 9:55 am ]
Post subject: 
Turning in 2 weeks notice either Friday or Monday, wife is pushing for Monday, but I guess we'll see. Not sure if this is the kind of place that says "two weeks notice eh? Don't let the door hit you in the ***", or the kind of place that keeps you around for most or all of it. Either way, I'm a walking ghost. :)

I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, truth be told. I still feel stressed, and anxious, which is part just the job, and part because I'm leaving without something lined up.

Of course, my wife up until this point was so stressed that she was getting nauseated, and she's the type of nervous wreck that feels better after puking, so there's been a bit of that going on. I tell her last night that I've made my decision, I can't take this place any more, and started working on my letter of resignation, and that, of course, also made her nervous. And nauseated. But, as she told me, "a good nervous and nauseated".

We've got savings for emergencies and to make up any shortcomings for several months, but realistically, worst case, I'll even deliver pizza. In her car, of course, since it gets about 8 billion mpg, as opposed to my gas sucking WRX.
Author:  LadyKate [ Wed May 12, 2010 9:59 am ]
Post subject: 
Sweet! (except for the anxiety and the wife puking)
I am so glad you are already feeling some relief. *hugs*
Author:  damaged [ Wed May 12, 2010 11:32 am ]
Post subject: 
Well, when she gets anxious about something, she gets nausea, so she tends to just let it out right away. She's calming down now, but I did have to tease her about it. "First you get worked up and puke because I won't leave my job, now you get worked up and puke because I'm finally listening to reason and leaving. What do you want from me woman!"

Yeah, believe it or not I'm kind of looking forward to doing some weeding and other yardwork, and doing some of the stuff around the house that needs to be done.
Author:  Müs [ Wed May 12, 2010 11:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re:
damaged wrote:
"First you get worked up and puke because I won't leave my job, now you get worked up and puke because I'm finally listening to reason and leaving. What do you want from me woman!"


A bottle of Pepto?
Author:  damaged [ Wed May 12, 2010 12:52 pm ]
Post subject: 
LOL!
Author:  Khross [ Wed May 12, 2010 12:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The noose at the end of my rope
Do you have another job?
Author:  damaged [ Wed May 12, 2010 1:21 pm ]
Post subject: 
Not yet. And before you call me an idiot, my wife and I have sat down, gone over our plan, and will go from there. Right now I'm so burned out I can't see straight, and don't want anything to do with IT. I haven't had any sort of vacation in years. We've got enough in savings to make up for the lost salary for several months if it came down to that, and while I'm going to force myself to take a 2 week vacation I have already started putting out feelers for a new job doing what I want to do.

And, in the meantime, after my 2 weeks of down time, I'll apply for whatever. Pizza delivery, game stop peon, I honestly don't care at this point. I can either take a break and get my head together, or I will just jump to another job that will be as bad, if not worse, than this one.

Helps when the wife is the primary breadwinner. I won't be tied to "must make X" so much this time, as I want to find a place where I can learn new things, actually receive training (unlike all the lying assholes I've worked for in the past). I'll take contract jobs, whatever it takes, but right now it's one of those leave or die situations.
Author:  darksiege [ Wed May 12, 2010 7:38 pm ]
Post subject: 
damaged,

Have you considered starting your own business? Hell even if it fails; I believe there are still tax credits for trying.

/shrug

Glad to hear you are strong in your resolve.
Author:  Kaffis Mark V [ Wed May 12, 2010 10:34 pm ]
Post subject: 
He's trying to *reduce* his stress level, darksiege, not increase it to double-fatal levels!
Author:  Kirra [ Thu May 13, 2010 1:45 am ]
Post subject: 
Damaged.. Congrats for doing what you needed to do to make your life better and to be around for your family. The number of patients in 40's and late 30's coming in with heart attacks is increasing. Don't ever ignore the warning signs, go and get checked.

Enjoy each day :)
Author:  darksiege [ Thu May 13, 2010 2:41 am ]
Post subject:  Re:
Kaffis Mark V wrote:
He's trying to *reduce* his stress level, darksiege, not increase it to double-fatal levels!


There could be a huge difference if the stress is due to being ones own boss (at something you want to do) as opposed to being treated like some other companies pleeb doing what they tell you to.
Author:  damaged [ Thu May 13, 2010 12:38 pm ]
Post subject: 
Kirra, does spending the night in the hospital hooked up to heart monitors, with EKGs every few hours, and about 4 gallons of blood drawn for tests qualify for getting checked? Also followed up by a stress echo (now THAT was cool, the sonogram of my heart in action verifying no dead or damaged tissue)? :)

Not ready for my own business. My wife has decided to take on a part time job (starts like next week), I'm going to take 2 weeks to relax, and get my head back into the game, but I've already started putting out feelers for a new job. In the meantime, while job hunting for another IT job (one that I'll actually like, and will get me moving in the right direction), it'll be whatever I can get, whether it's delivering pizza, doing whatever at Costco, or whatever. Down time to decompress is the first order of business. It's going to be house cleaning, video gaming, and cooking for my wife.

Surprisingly, I feel good about my decision. It's like a great weight has been taken from my shoulders. I have a follow up with my doctor today and we'll see what direction we need to take with medication, and go from there, but I think a few weeks of video games and physical labor will be a good place to start.
Author:  damaged [ Fri May 14, 2010 4:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
Ok, got my letter ready to go, given a once over by a buddy of mine that worked in HR to make sure it was tasteful, polite, to the point, and, most important, something to make HR types squirm. Just waiting til the end of the day to send it so they can digest it over the weekend.

Hmm... do I come in Monday and get walked immediately, or do they let me go the two weeks...
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