The Glade 4.0

(I'm sure you all can figure out pretty readily who this is. I played EQ for a long, long time, and with far too many people local to me who recognize my character name. I'm going to talk about things I wouldn't tell a real-world acquaintance, and while as far as I know, no one I really "know" reads the Glade, I thought I ought to exercise a little discretion.)

About 7 1/2 years ago, my little brother died. When he and I were kids, we moved a lot. Some years we were pretty much the only close friend either of us had. When he died, I was a wreck. It was totally unexpected when it happened; I got a call a little after midnight one night, saying he was gone. It took a while for me to, well, not to get over that because I'm not sure that ever really happens, but become someone who was able to reconcile with my new reality - life without my bro. This thread isn't about his death, though.

In the months after he died, a really close friend and I got even closer. She was there for me, supportive, caring, never intrusive, just the greatest friend a guy could ever ask for. We had dated before, and I was unfortunately not emotionally ready or mature enough at that point in my life for it to really go somewhere further. This time, something really clicked. About four months after my brother died, my friend and I started seeing each other again. This would have been around March 2003. Eight months later we decided rent was stupid and bought a house together, four months after that we officially got engaged, and then in Oct 2004 we got married, about a year and a half after we'd started seeing each other again. In Oct 2006, our daughter was born. I should also mention that I have a stepson, who's known me his entire life. He doesn't even remember the years before he was living half his life with me and his mom (and the other half at his dad's). I counted myself the most blessed guy in the world.

Over the past couple years, though, it's all changed. My wife started drifting away, first physical intimacy, then emotionally. A while back, pretty recently really, we converted the office into a bedroom for her, because it was either that or she was going to move out. She says she doesn't feel a connection to me any more. I've never cheated, never once sworn at her, can count on my fingers the number of times I've ever even slipped and raised my voice in anger. I have a stable job, have been the same place for more than 8 years. I can honestly say I feel I'm a good guy, honest, loyal, even funny when I'm not battling depression over my family problems. In all this time, all I have ever wanted is for us to be the couple we began as - well, really that's impossible, we all grow, we all change, but I want us -- still want us -- to continue to grow together and to love each other. She says she's staying now because she doesn't want to hurt me, because she knows I've never done a thing wrong, and because of the children. She says she would love to feel what she felt again, she doesn't now, but she can't say she won't again.

We're beginning marriage counseling in a couple weeks. She saw a therapist a few times, didn't click with the lady. I couldn't see the same therapist individually anyway, because of the conflict of interest, and I'm really starting to think I need to talk to someone for my own sanity's sake. The couples therapy is far more important though. I'm just hoping we can even agree on what our goals are: I want to save my family, and she just wants to be happy.

If I was into pop psychology, I'd have some guesses about what's going on. My wife's parents split when she was 3. I don't think she ever knew a stable home. She was with a mom who was too busy keeping the bills paid to really be a nurturing parent, and she pretty much grew up as a loner. The closest thing to a normal and healthy relationship that I think she's ever had, was with her grandparents. Her grandmother died a year and a half or so ago, and that's right around the time she really just started shutting down. Now her father has lung cancer, and it's spread to his brain. He's in chemo, may have a few months, may have longer. They're talking about taking a road trip after chemo, to go cross country and see his other kids. My wife was in an abusive relationship when she was young, too, and from that situation gave a child up for adoption. She has had one of the hardest roads you could imagine, and despite it all she has a kind heart and a warm smile.

The flip side of it, though, is her loner's tendencies. She has pulled away from me, and things that come naturally to me, with the kids, she has to force herself to do. She loves the kids, don't get me wrong. But… I dunno. I have to fully acknowledge here that it's tough for me to be neutral and analytical about it. I love the kids. If it doesn't get better, I can't fathom a life without my daughter here every day. I can't fathom a life where I no longer even really see my stepson. He'd be at his dad's half the time, and at his mom's the other half. I'd be relegated to hoping to see him at his games, or just out somewhere. I literally can't even dwell on the more negative possibilities, they hurt too much to think about, and I simply refuse to give up hope.

I hear over and over from her that it's not me, it's not me, I didn't do anything. But I don't know what it is in her. What's broken? I don't know if it's something she's willing to address, something she's willing to go through. All I can do is hope it gets better. I try to give her the space she needs to not feel trapped in the situation, but at the same time I think I know her well enough that I know if she moved out and we really split up, she'd never face the issues that I feel are causing the problems. She'd just be off being emotionally stunted with the kids however much of the time, and that's not an alternative I could stomach either. I want a healthy, loving, nurturing upbringing for the kids. And I wish there was more I could do. I feel like we have one shot at giving them something my wife couldn't have, one home, with two loving parents. And seeing how my wife has had such a tough time makes me feel it's just that much more something I have to fight for until I have nothing left.

I don't know. I'm exhausted. Some days I realize all of a sudden at work that I've been staring off into space for an hour. I talked to my boss as much as I was comfortable, so he'd know what was happening if my work really starts slipping. Right now I just have to believe it can get better, that it will get better. On the other hand, some days I have a great day - feel real joy, play with the kids, feel hope that's sincere and not just a plea. Anyway, I know I'm probably not even coherent at this point. I just needed to vent. And honestly, I could probably use the perspective of good-hearted people who aren't so immersed in the situation that they're incapable of objectivity like I am.

Life sure is messy.

I'm sorry this is the kind of post that brings you out of lurker-dom. Please don't give up on your marriage. Keep trying to do everything in your power to restrengthen what's atrophied. Things will of course be different, but that doesn't mean worse. Sometimes different can be better.

There was a movie called "Fireproof" that I watched with my wife about a year ago. It had Kirk Cameron in it. The acting was bad and it was definitely made for Christians. If you can get past that though, I think it can give you a lot of hope. Its probably worth it if it gives you even a little bit of inspiration.

I'll pray for you. It really breaks my heart to hear about people who feel like the end of their marriage is coming and there's nothing they can do.

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The Dude abides.

pseudonym: –noun
a fictitious name used by an author to conceal his or her identity; pen name.

It can be tough to go through all this, and it helps, sometimes, to put your thoughts into order for others so you can summarize how you actually feel about everything.

When you consider how much of life is retelling of events you've experienced, having to form a cohesive narrative including your opinion and explain it to strangers who weren't there can be more helpful than any meager thoughts they might offer.

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Once, I was a ranger
Then, I was a warlock
And a mage
And a paladin
Now, I seek to be myself

I am very sorry to hear that. As long as you are both willing to work at it then there is hope.

A tiny suggestion, you might want to change your goals though, don't go to therapy to "keep your family together" you should go into therapy with the goal of getting things back to the way they were aka you are both happy.

_________________

Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud;
Clouds and eclipses stain both moon and sun,
And loathsome canker lies in sweetest bud.
All men make faults.
~William Shakespeare

_________________
Well Ali Baba had them forty thieves, Scheherezade had a thousand tales
But master you in luck 'cause up your sleeves you got a brand of magic never fails...
...Mister Aladdin, sir, What will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order, Jot it down -You ain't never had a friend like me
█ ♣ █

Good to hear from you bro', though I wish it was for a better reason.

What you are describing in your wife sounds a lot like depression. This doesn't read like a mild depression, but one she needs to see the doctors for. I'd suggest that first. Check and see if you need some help there as well.

Heading toward marriage counseling is a good idea, keep the appointment. Talking about things may bring out what is bothering her.

Experience leads me to wonder if what she really wants is the edge in her life that made it interesting and uncomfortable. Some people don't handle safe and peaceful very well.

Also, when was the last time she had a full medical check-up? If you can't remember, schedule one.

_________________
The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

My ex is one of these; the king of starting unnecessary drama just to feel 'alive'.

Thanks each of you, seriously I think just talking is one of the healthier things I've done about this. I had a crappy day yesterday, I think mainly because doing a core dump resulted in me actually thinking about things all day rather than just going "na na na na not listening". I've been stuck in a mode where I've basically thought, okay, there's not a whole lot I can do, and thinking when there's no corresponding "do" is counterproductive. I should probably call BS on myself, though, about there being nothing to do. There are big issues to face.
Thanks Screeling. No worries there, and this may actually be one of my faults, who knows? I had this moment a while back when I confronted the idea of giving up, just deciding that it's better for all involved if we went our separate ways. I won't do it. When I got married, I meant it to be for life. We may work out, we may not, but one of the few things I can be certain of is that it will never be for lack of me trying. I'll take comfort anywhere I can get it, and knowing that I'm committed, no matter what, really helps. Well, generally. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm out of my mind, but I just keep on.
Yeah, even just trying to organize my thoughts for long enough to type them in readable sentences has helped. Don't discount your own thoughts though! One of the things I know about myself is that I'd just as soon come out of any situation smelling like a rose, so when my wife says "it's not you, you're not doing anything wrong" I'd love to take it at face value and leave it at that. But you know what? Maybe the last thing in the world I need to be doing is giving her all the space she needs. Maybe what she needs is to be confronted so she actually faces her issues, and it doesn't matter if that means I risk driving her away - maybe that's the one thing that will really encourage healing, long-term. Who knows? What I do know is that I've learned to value the opinions of people here over the past 10 years.Look at hellfire, no one here ought to be shy about telling me if I'm being an idiot. We've had plenty of practice Anyway, all your thoughts are meaningful, so thank you.
Thanks Hopwin, that makes a lot of sense. That one's complicated for me though, right now I'm at a point in my life where my own happiness is predicated on things getting better for my family. Really, would I be okay regardless? Maybe, but I don't want that. I do know the kids ideally have two happy parents in their lives, and I'll do everything I can to make sure that happens. Especially attempt to see past my own wishes, to where I can see what's best for everyone.
Coincidence is such a funny thing. On Tuesday, I took a big rubbermaid tub full of old books to the used book store down the road, and my dad called and asked me to pick him up a copy of Shakespeare's sonnets while I was there. Mission accomplished, paid a buck and a half. They had a hardbound complete works for $6, but the typeface was tiny and my folks both need glasses. One of those moments when suddenly an e-reader makes all the sense in the world, because the complete works of Shakespeare sized up to Reader's Digest print would be huge.

Anyway, thanks Talya. I'm guessing based on which parts you excerpted and which you didn't, that I ought to be taking a more measured look at my part - even I in this. Of course I'm taking out of that what I brought into it, so I was probably thinking that anyway. For the moment I'm going to just hope this winds up not being a tragedy though, much rather it's As You Like It or something
Hi Micheal, and thanks. She has an appointment with the GP next week, and she's making a list. And me? I've had moments in the past few weeks when I went from a pit in my gut to just giddy over the course of an hour, biochemistry is such a fun thing! Not. I wouldn't rule out medication, but at the same time I'd just as soon get back to a smooth ride rather than chemically straightening out a rollercoaster.
Man I hope so.
Oh yeah, definitely. I mean aside from all the back story, I think she's taken one long look at being a wife and mom, with a career, house in the suburbs, and just said "run away! run awaaaaaay!" Aside from trying to get to therapy to address issues, one of the main things I'm trying to do is make sure that life has some life in it - where life isn't solely made up of various assumed roles like husband or wife or father or mother. I want her to be nourished too. Just, you know, ideally within the life she chose, rather than without it
Bleh! Well I do know that she's not exactly settling into middle age well, more like railing against it and having a "is this all there is?" response to it. And of course I think the answer is always going to be no, life is what you make it. Children are the big confounding variable there; needing love and stability and continuity for them kinda throws a wrench in the works when it comes to singular pursuit of personal happiness. Thank you Taamar.

Ugh. I've got to get ready for work!

Sorry to hear you're going through this Su'Donym. Hopefully you get to get things straightened out so you're all feeling better. Do what you need to do to accomplish it.
Please feel free to post updates and further rants if necessary. Sometimes it's good to just get stuff off your chest.

I want to repeat this, and now explain why.

My wife withdrew from me, first physically, then emotionally. She said she still loved me, but avoided contact.

It was denial. She had breast cancer. She didn't want me to know so she kept me from touching her or seeing her unclothed.

It eventually killed her.

Make sure she sees the doctor. Talk to her doctor. Tell him what is going on.

_________________
The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

Well, there are always two sides, Su... but it's not entirely what i was getting at. There are several layers to my my choice of verse (all of them friendly), but I have no good advice for you. I've never been in this situation.

_________________
Well Ali Baba had them forty thieves, Scheherezade had a thousand tales
But master you in luck 'cause up your sleeves you got a brand of magic never fails...
...Mister Aladdin, sir, What will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order, Jot it down -You ain't never had a friend like me
█ ♣ █

Hope things get better for you..

_________________


Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti

come back and update us from time to time hun... we're here to listen

Still hanging in there!

Our first marriage counseling appointment is finally just a few days away. I'm looking forward to it, and not looking forward to it, all at once. I'm cautiously optimistic on one hand and thinking I'm going to be saying "okay you think you felt drained before" on the other. It's a good step in the right direction anyway.

She has a physician's appointment next week, too. I'm hoping she gets some blood work done, specifically a thyroid panel. Hypothyroidism would just make a bunch of things make sense. I mean it doesn't explain away everything, I'm not looking for a scapegoat, but if there's anything physiological going on I'd really like to do whatever we can for that too. I'm kind of treading lightly around the doctor's appointment, anyway. The last thing I need to do is come off like I think it's all just some biochemical problem she has.

Anyway, nothing new to tell really just yet. Next week should bring something. Actually having a pretty good week all things considered

Oh and Micheal your point's well taken. I don't think she'd ever keep anything from me though, if nothing else we've always been honest with each other - even when the truth is like the last thing anyone wanted to say or hear. But whatever happens I do want her to feel good and be happy, and the doctor's appointment is hopefully going to explain some other stuff that's going on with her, independent of relationship stuff. Well, somewhat independent anyway I think. People are one big interconnected jumble: mess with someone's spirit and their body follows, and vice versa.

More next week. And if nothing else, this has taught me so, so much about myself. I guess it's not exactly normal human inclination to do a bunch of soul searching when everything's just peachy though, huh?

I'm glad to hear things are getting a little better, take care!

_________________


Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti