Tonight I'm tired. My divorce will be final on October 25. Tomorrow is, technically, my anniversary. Tomorrow is also the last of four parenting classes the court requires divorcing couples take, when childrens' parents are breaking up their home. I posted as Su'Donym some time back. No need for that now.
My consolation, if you can call it that, is that I did everything I could, and I'm fortunate in that - I really don't think I'll do much looking back and saying "what if I..." Sometimes, everything you have in you still isn't enough. I know I gave it my all. I'm spent. I seriously have nothing left.
I've put on a happy face for my daughter, who's really still too young to understand, and for my stepson, who does understand, and who's been through all this before. I want them to feel as okay as they can, don't want them to have any idea if I'm hurting. Or at least, don't want them to ever see it. One of them knows better, and the other's far more intuitive than I probably give her credit for.
They're at their mom's tonight, and I miss them. This house feels really empty. Too many bedrooms with no one in them. I wanted to hang onto it, when my wife left, because I wanted as much continuity and familiarity for my daughter as I could possibly provide. One new home and a major lifestyle change is enough of a curveball to throw a three-year-old. I wanted to keep her at least somewhat grounded, make sure she's still sleeping in the only bedroom she can remember. But I can't stay here I don't think, not in the long run.
And I said continuity for my daughter, a minute ago, and didn't mention my stepson. I'm doing all I can with him, too. He's at his mom's half the time, at his dad's the other half. My ex-wife to be has been great, in a way - every other week she's giving up one of her nights so that I can take him to go do something. I'm still getting to have a role in his life - take him to practices, just talk, well, really talk as much as you can with a pre-pubescent boy. Gabbing we've got down, at least - substance is a fleeting thing. But it's a big adjustment. In a way, bigger for me now - at this moment - than my wife's absence. She checked out emotionally some time ago, I've had time to come to terms with that. My stepson though was just caught in something he couldn't do anything about. I guess I was too. Anyway I guess maybe my goal for him, for both the kids really, is to provide as much of a world as I can where they feel like the things they do that will make them happy, will make me happy, and will make their mom happy too. Not in a "let's spoil 'em" sense, but in a sense where they don't feel like I begrudge my wife "her" time, or wish there was more "my" time. It's all their time, and I don't want any conflict in their worlds. I want them to know that I want them to have a wonderful relationship with their mom, and with me. And I want them to be as healthy and strong and well-adjusted as they can be. Kids are resilient. People keep telling me that like it's going to make me feel better that everyone has to go through this. It doesn't.
Right now, I just need to find joy again, and I need to find myself. It's nights like these, when I have too much time, that I really mull over just what these past 8 years have been to me. I'm actually still grateful for the time my wife and I shared. I made a conscious decision not to take the easy route and just be angry. I decided to love the person, not any particular role she had in my life. And I hope we can remain friends. For the kids, for logistically manageable holidays lol, and honestly for me too. But tonight when there's all this time for introspection, I realize just how fully committed to my family I've been. I don't know what to do with a night "off". So I sit up and think myself into a spiral.
But in 14 minutes, it's my anniversary, for this one last time. And tomorrow I'm going to thank my wife for everything we've been together, for my daughter, for the relationship I've been so fortunate to have with my stepson, for helping me grow as a person. Because if there's one thing I will not compromise on it's that I will grow from my experiences, not shrink from them, no matter what.
|
