The Glade 4.0
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Identity Crisis
https://gladerebooted.net/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=5790		 Page 1 of 2
Author:  LadyKate [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 7:23 am ]
Post subject:  Identity Crisis
In the past 3 years I have:
-graduated college with a degree that is useless
-had all of my surviving parents and grandparents die
-gotten married and left my hometown
-changed my religion
-my attempts at procreating have been unsuccessful
-lost my career

And now I am:
-trying to blend a family that doesn't always blend so well
-trying to rectify secular life with religious life (soooo confusing)
-trying to get out of our teeny house into something with room for everyone and more than one bathroom (impossible so far)
-trying to find a job (and get HIRED) that will give me more than 18 hours a week and $7.25/hr (no luck so far 3 months into it)
-trying to figure out who the **** I am, what my purpose is, and what the **** I am supposed to be doing since everything I have tried in the past two years just leads me to a dead end. My faith gives me no answers other than "be patient and wait."

I figured that by the time I was 30 I would have a title for who I was, like teacher, doctor, lawyer, fireman, etc....not part-time-temporary-janitor. I also didn't plan on having none of my family left...having no roots, nowhere to "go home to" is really shitty. Trying desperately to make my current house "home" but nothing is working out the way I planned or hoped in any way, shape, or form. I don't really see much of a future for me aside from wandering around from one dead-end to another like a bumbling idiot.

*Note: Also, seemed to have reached a stage in life and a particular town where it's super hard to make real friends because everyone already has their social life in a routine...there's not really room in their lives for new people. Acquaintances are easy to find, especially at church, but you have to plan "get togethers", even lunches, at least a week and usually two, in advance. I went from having tons of friends before I moved, to having one or two that I don't even get to spend any time with. I'm effing lonely.

Anyone else gone through something like this? (Not in your teenage years...in adult life.)
Author:  Lex Luthor [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 7:32 am ]
Post subject: 
There didn't used to be most of this stuff until a few dozen generations ago (out of millions), so don't worry so much. It's all relative. Don't let your identity be defined externally.
Author:  LadyKate [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 7:35 am ]
Post subject: 
It's not just external, Lex. It's an internal struggle as well.
Author:  Taskiss [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 7:45 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Identity Crisis
All I have to offer is constructive criticism, and you didn't request that.

It'll be OK.
Author:  LadyKate [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 7:50 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Identity Crisis
Taskiss wrote:
All I have to offer is constructive criticism, and you didn't request that.

It'll be OK.


I'm open to constructive criticism.
Author:  Taskiss [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 8:19 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Identity Crisis
Just an observation, and take it for what it's worth - I only know you from what I've read of what you've shared here and that's extremely single dimensional. I have very little insight into who you are, only who I imagine you are, so the chances of me being totally off base isn't insignificant.

You have very good follow-through on your plans, but the decision process up front needs work. I won't go into details 'cause it's not really necessary, but it seems from what I remember, you chose some of the circumstances you listed above. The possibility of the outcome of one's choices need to be examined in more detail before you decide to execute the choices.

To compensate for what I believe may be an area for improvement, consider divorcing as much emotional importance from the up front decision making process as possible. Don't make plans so much on what you WANT to do, plan for what gets you closer to some very long range goal. Not a 1 year goal, or a 5 year or even 10 year, but a 25 year goal. When you decide stuff, ask yourself and the Fox the question "Is this getting me closer to my 25 year goal?", and if it doesn't, then don't do it.

To single out one of the issues you commented on, 3 month job search isn't all that big of a deal in the 25 year plan, as long as you are searching for the job you'll have 25 years from now. If you don't want to see yourself being in a dead end, then don't start down a dead end road.

And for the family thing, taking the 25 year goal works there too. In 2036, you should be seeing yourself living alone with the Fox. So, focus on that goal every day, not a goal of blending a family or having more kids. Those things will either happen or not, but if you want to be with the Fox 25 years from now, that's where you should be putting the work in.

You're young and have a lot of energy, you have a lot to offer. It WILL be OK. Decide what identity you want to have in 25 years and then make that yours. An identity crisis exists only when you allow it to exist, so decide who you want to be, then be that person. Decide where you want to live, what you want to have, how much you want to make, etc. Get a good grasp of what you want 2036 to look like, then go down roads that get you there and avoid ones that don't lead there. EVERY DECISION needs to be analyzed for how it gets you there, even down to the stuff you put in your cart at the store.
Author:  Nitefox [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 8:20 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Identity Crisis
I will just add what I've been trying to get through to you.


Quote:
-graduated college with a degree that is useless


Can't help you there other than to say at least you did it. You should have at least a since of pride that you accomplished that. Not everyone has it in them to keep at it, especially during that part of your life as a single mom without much help from anyone. Hell, I had my schooling paid for but I screwed it up because I couldn't stay focused.

Quote:
-had all of my surviving parents and grandparents die


Sucks yes but you also gained a wonderful inlaw family that has been there for you whenever you have needed them.

Quote:
-gotten married and left my hometown


I like the whole married thing. Your hometown is less than 30 minutes to the West.

Quote:
-changed my religion


This is new to me. You were going to a Methodist church at one point when we were dating. That's not far off being Baptist.

Quote:
-my attempts at procreating have been unsuccessful


This hurts us both.

Quote:
-lost my career


You haven't lost it. You quit the best job you ever had because of losing Jimmy. It's understandable. The workforce right now just sucks.

Quote:
And now I am:
-trying to blend a family that doesn't always blend so well


Its had its ups and downs. Right now it's more of a downward trend mostly because Chance is a teenager and doesn't want to go anywhere. Bailey still enjoys coming over and her and Taylor get along ok most of the time.

Quote:
-trying to rectify secular life with religious life (soooo confusing)


Not really confusing.

Quote:
-trying to get out of our teeny house into something with room for everyone and more than one bathroom (impossible so far)


Yes this has been tough. The housing market hitting the crapper didn't help.


Quote:
-trying to find a job (and get HIRED) that will give me more than 18 hours a week and $7.25/hr (no luck so far 3 months into it)


Three weeks ago you were working zero hours and bringing home zero dollars and complaining that you had nothing to do. While it certainly isn't the most ideal situation, you are contributing to our finances and not stuck at home all day. I appreciate you for doing that but if it makes you that unhappy, then quit.

Quote:
-trying to figure out who the **** I am, what my purpose is, and what the **** I am supposed to be doing since everything I have tried in the past two years just leads me to a dead end. My faith gives me no answers other than "be patient and wait."


For my interest, you are Katie Burchfield my beautiful wife. You take care of us. You make me a better person.

I'll also remind you that you have a new van that we didn't have to pay for and in less than a month we will eliminate a debt that costs us almost 300 a month. Your son gets to go to a private school and is picked up and dropped off by a friend which helps us out.

If all you focus on is the negative, then the negative is all you are going to see.
Author:  LadyKate [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 8:31 am ]
Post subject: 
Taskiss, thank you...that's a perspective I don't usually have. I am very short-sighted, impatient, and impulsive. Looking at things from a long range point of view is actually really helpful even though I'm not quite sure how to do that yet. I especially like the part where you pointed out in 25 years it will be just me and NF anyway, regardless of whether we have any more kids or not. That seems so far away...I hope I live that long!

NF.....Thank you, I needed that. You just made me get all teary-eyed and stuff. I love you.
I'm not naturally an optimist so looking at the positive side is a constant challenge.
Author:  Taskiss [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 8:45 am ]
Post subject: 
LK, we make our own reality. Imagine it hard enough, live what you imagine, and it'll happen. Just don't accept less.

Once, someone told me that they wanted to have the successes I have enjoyed, and asked for advice.

I told them to make mistakes, learn from them, and don't EVER stop working towards what they want.

Hey, it worked for me!
Author:  Screeling [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 8:46 am ]
Post subject: 
I'd also like to add that you are your son's mother. In his eyes, you're a superhero. From the sound of things, you're doing your best to raise him correctly. If that's the only thing you have at the end of your life to list as an accomplishment, then I'd say you were a huge success.
Author:  Nitefox [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 8:54 am ]
Post subject:  Re:
Screeling wrote:
I'd also like to add that you are your son's mother. In his eyes, you're a superhero. From the sound of things, you're doing your best to raise him correctly. If that's the only thing you have at the end of your life to list as an accomplishment, then I'd say you were a huge success.



Thank you. I've tried pointing that out to her as well.

That is nothing to sneeze at LK. Look at my mom. She worked when she needed to to help provide for us. Took care of the house and our emotional needs. Prepared our meals, kissed and made it better, stood by dad and never cut his legs out from under him, lead a Godly life as an example to her four children. She has grandchildren and great grandchildren. Family that *wants* to stop by and visit. A husband that loves and respects her as much today as he did over 50 years ago. I don't think she has many regrets.
Author:  Foamy [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 9:06 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Identity Crisis
Katie:

If I have learned anything in the past year, it is that life isn't always what you expect it to be. I have come to terms with who I am and I, for the most part, happier with myself than I have been in the past.

By this time in my life, I had expected to be working fulltime at some company for year with more years to come before retirement. I had some artificial notion that this is what embodied success and anything other was a failure on my part. I blame my parents for not being the true supportive influences on my life. There were no important decisions in my adult life that I ever had the input of my parents for.

It hit me hard last year when I thought I was somehow a nothing and going nowhere because I wasn't the picture of success that I had believed in all my life. I quit my job and thought about a reset, but it also didn't come to pass. The finances and time just wasn't there for me anymore. I didn't see how I could finish a degree with what time and money we had.

What I realized is that I did have good all around me. I had a house, a supportive and wonderful wife, a happy healthy baby boy and my health. Life, I realized, marches on no matter the circumstances. I could continue holding myself to my standards and be unhappy or realize that life is good despite all the bad. I quit my job and was home for 8 months. I thought this was the end of my career and I didn't know what was next. Since then, I worked with a self-employed contractor for a short while (Picked up a little home repair know-how) and then I found the contract job I at which I am currently employed. Sure, they may not keep me (It feels more and more like they may) but I have made my mind up that even if they release me, I am taking every bit of experience on to the next position and I will just move on from there.

Live life. Enjoy what you do have and try to put aside the bad. The bad will always be there and there is, sometimes, nothing we can do but face it head on and deal with it. All you can do is try and be happy with what you have and build on that.

Sounds like your Hubby got your back. Hold him close. He's one of the good things to be thankful for (I'm sure you knew that one. ;) )

Anytime you need to vent, I'm here as is all the Glade.

/aside to Nitefox - Give Katie a big hug and let her know its from Foamy. :)
Author:  Screeling [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 10:49 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Re:
Nitefox wrote:
Family that *wants* to stop by and visit.

You know, this really strikes me because I can't say there's much of my family I ever want to stop by and visit.
Author:  Lalaas [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 11:38 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Identity Crisis
Nitefox wrote:

Quote:
-graduated college with a degree that is useless

Can't help you there other than to say at least you did it. You should have at least a since of pride that you accomplished that. Not everyone has it in them to keep at it, especially during that part of your life as a single mom without much help from anyone.


Maybe I have a unique take on the value of a college degree. Hopefully not.

The way I see it, the degree's a piece of paper that you may or may not hang on a wall somewhere. I don't even know where 2 of my 3 "degree" papers are - buried in boxes.

However, and this is a HUGE however, the real value of a degree to me is that you've proven you can do a number of things:
1) Think critically
2) Learn new concepts - how many of your courses didn't *exactly* apply to what your final paper shows?
3) Be flexible - again, learning new concepts, but in the way of putting together a frequently-changing schedule with a multitude of different knowledge sets.

These 3 things can & will take you far in life.

Don't look at the degree as being useless. See it as proof you can succeed at a variety of things.

Two websites I think you could use as resources are linkedin.com and theladders.com - both of them have free basic subscriptions, and both have periodic "how to's" on career progression. Even if it's going a different direction than what you've done before. Reinvention.

GL to you. Although like Taskiss says, I only know the Glade-face you share (can't remember when ya'll joined the site, but I've been here almost since SunMoon's creation of the Glade), I see intelligence & creativity. It's easy to get frustrated. Work on turning that energy into a force for re-invention, if you need to.

Peace,
Jim
Author:  Kirra [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 12:01 pm ]
Post subject: 
Good days and bad days..they change your perspective on things. Luckily perspective is labile. Rant and read the posts..and things will look better :). You have so many things that make you awsome. /kirra hugs forever


Ps let me know when you dump Hopwin ;)
Author:  Screeling [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 12:13 pm ]
Post subject: 
You said dump...
Author:  shuyung [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 12:36 pm ]
Post subject: 
And Screeling appeared.
Author:  Foamy [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 1:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Identity Crisis
/kirra hugs forever

Definitely another positive. All the Kirra hugs you will ever need. That makes life worth living right there! ;)
Author:  Kirra [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 1:31 pm ]
Post subject: 
Hugs forever Foamy :)


We need some good quality Screeling colon postings... Been too long.
Author:  Lenas [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 1:31 pm ]
Post subject: 
I've told Kirra this more than once (she doesn't listen!) but it seems you could use it too, Kate. Rusty is right. You need to focus more on the good things you have in your life. Focusing on the bad without a plan or ability to fix it just leads to depression. There's no point. The thing about me is, I have a firm grasp on what I consider important and where I want to be. If something does not fall directly into those two categories, I don't worry about it. Good days and bad days are inconsequential so long as you're moving forward in some way.

I attribute a large part of my outlook on life and my subsequent happiness with a quote from Fight Club. Yes, ignore for a moment the fact that it's not exactly a philosophical film. Tyler had "...the ability to let that which does not matter truly slide," which is something I've strived for since hearing it, and think myself better for doing so.

There are many things in your original post that you could let slide.

You have an amazing, loving family. You have a job. You have a roof. You are currently in a better spot than you were in three weeks ago. These are the things that matter.
Author:  Kirra [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 1:53 pm ]
Post subject: 
Lenas, I do listen.. Can I buy a tiny Lenas to sit on my shoulder and remind me? The bad days affect my memory.
Author:  Foamy [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 1:57 pm ]
Post subject: 
Lenas speaks much truthy-ness.
Author:  Lenas [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 2:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re:
Kirra wrote:
Can I buy a tiny Lenas to sit on my shoulder and remind me?


Put your iPhone on your shoulder ;P
Author:  Talya [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 2:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Identity Crisis
LadyKate wrote:
Identity Crisis


Not to make light of it, but any sort of "identity crisis" always brings a few images to my mind, such as ...
Image

Or, if you prefer...
Image
Author:  Micheal [ Wed Mar 23, 2011 8:36 pm ]
Post subject: 
When I was 28 I was

Unemployed most of the year

Single and figuring I most likely would be forever.

Couch surfing more often than not.

Mourning several friends who were dropping like flies, AIDS mostly, some accidents, one suicide.

By 30 I was very active in recreational history, found something I was very good at, working somewhat steady and had met my future wife. Life got better.

There are peaks and valleys as we wander down the path set before us. Life isn't fair and nobody said it would be easy. Lots of good advise in this thread, and Rusty loves you deeply.

It gets better.
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