The Glade 4.0

It forever sits there, taunting me. I sometimes peer into it, but I can never see further enough into its depths. The abyss is my uncleaned apartment. It is the book I haven't read, the private messages of Khross (which I have once read but I am sure there are new ones), the way that everyone's naked body appears... It is the scale I haven't yet stepped onto. It is the door I haven't yet opened. It is the person I haven't yet talked to or slept with. It is the words I formulate in my mind but haven't yet spoken, and the impending reaction of Other People to these words. It is the sexual history of every person, their jobs, what they like to do, what their typical day is like, what they think of my looks... these people are all around me and I can't talk to them all. They sit there, unknowingly taunting me. I want to approach them all but I am scared of the abyss. I sometimes look into the abyss and it just keeps taunting me. I can never see it all, no matter how much energy I devote to trying. I want to know everything about everyone. I want to know everything about all sciences. I want the abyss to be bright and not a gaping black hole where I feebly shine my little flashlight around and see only bits and pieces at a time. I am going mad. I don't want to stop trying. I don't want to be like a monk staring at a wall 15 hours a day, or my brother playing starcraft 10 hours a day. I want to find meaning when I look into the abyss. I never really do. I never am satisfied. It is maddening. The abyss is all my anxiety. It will never permanently go away. The fire inside me never stops burning. The cappuccino I just drank didn't help.

And here I thought you were going to rant

Anxiety, a little paranoia, a little neurosis, you're a young adult Lex. The world is still fresh and new, you are still finding out about things some of us have dealt with for longer than you've been alive. You also have the aspect of being smarter than your average bear, which means all the things that can go wrong occur to you quicker than most of us (except when you're driving apparently). Be aware of your surroundings but do not fear them. The noises in the night, the shadow at the corner of your vision, most of the time its just background, and the few times it isn't it won't be you that it is after. You are much more likely to be attacked by a jealous boyfriend or angry brother than targeted by some villainous entity.

You have the opportunity to set yourself up for lifelong health and happiness now. Don't blow it.

If you don't want to be a couch potato playing computer games like your brother, limit your computer time to work hours and maybe an hour or two several evenings a week. Find something else to do in the evenings. Read that novel that makes you anxious, just get it out of the way. No longer a source of anxiety. Read what Khross has to say. If it bothers you, know that he won't bother sending doombots after you, unless you hack him that is. (Kidding)

You've intimated you play some tennis occasionally. Good. Exercise your body as well as your mind. You're probably still in relatively good shape, work out some and you'll get in better shape physically. There are many studies out there that assert that a healthy body supports a healthy mind. Yes, people who regularly work out have a lower incidence of mental health disorders than those who don't. Your parents both looked relatively fit in the pictures you posted, are they? Do they work out regularly, even if its just long walks or a little jogging? (Rhetorical, you need to know the answers, not me.) When you let yourself get as out of shape as I have its hard to get back in shape. Its much easier if you just do it all along.

Finally, open yourself up to finding a mate, not just another sexual encounter. Don't go out interviewing prospects, just start visualizing someone who would both complement and challenge you in the good and great ways. Think of the personality, the intelligence, the person, not the curves. Look at your parents. See how well they fit together after all the years together. Unless they are even more unusual than I give them credit for, that didn't happen overnight, they had to work at it. You won't need to settle, just figure out what you want, what you need, and watch for it. When you find her, go for it. I've said it before Lex, you need a partner, not a worshiper.

Good luck,

_________________
The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

That would indeed be a worthy rant as it's one of the worst movies ever made.

_________________
The Dude abides.

Thanks for your post, Micheal. I was feeling extremely anxious that morning and I took a nap and felt better. I still want to reply piece by piece.



I'm learning extremely quickly, the hard way, since I'm living on my own. I hopefully won't crash any more cars. That would be terrible. Many of the things I say are exaggerated and fantastical... except for crashing cars... and I come off within the scope of "normal" in person. (This is evident because otherwise people wouldn't want to be near me). Stuff I say about touching and sleeping with lots of people is mostly idle fantasy when I have nothing else to think about... like day dreaming. I am hardly ever socially inappropriate in person.

It's possible I could be attacked by a jealous boyfriend at some point. It's also possible I could get a deadly disease... both are unlikely. The boyfriend scenario is more likely.




That's what I'm trying to do... I guess I am pushing every boundary to figure out where I fit in. Testing all the walls. Maybe it's some sort of defense mechanism, maybe it's just my personality, maybe it's just my age, or maybe all three.



This is difficult for me because I'm endlessly drawn to the Internet... it is a bad habit I guess. I am online more than I think I should be. But I still socialize most days of the week with people in person. It's difficult because I live in Acton MA, which is basically the wilderness, and there is nobody around my age. So it takes a lot of effort to go out. I don't plan on hacking anymore and I don't even think about it. It's not on my agenda at all.



My parents, and my mom especially, are in great shape. They play racquetball all the time. Your suggestions are very valid. I play ping pong every day at work with my coworker, but it's not enough. There are tennis courts right outside my apartment and it would be nice if I could find a tennis partner. There's also a nice gym where I work, and I'd like to go more often. I need to buy more workout clothes though, especially shorts.



I've been trying to do this... it's really difficult. I have a unique personality I think and it's hard to find someone. I've also lived in a shell until about a year ago, and I'm finally getting out of adolescence in my thinking, but again there are no lower 20s people around. I want a real relationship. On Saturday I got dinner, drinks, and icecream with my ex and we reconciled everything. That was very therapeutic and I think I can move on now and not dwell in the past. Life is much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. Or maybe I just make it that way. But I can't be anyone except me and I can't change this, even though I've tried in the past. I think it's an adolescent thing to try to be someone else.