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| I have a problem... https://gladerebooted.net/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=6763 |
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| Author: | Foamy [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 10:08 am ] |
| Post subject: | I have a problem... |
There is someone in my life whom I both care for and have almost zero respect for at the same time. Longtime Gladers will know who I am talking about as I have posted about him in the past. It is a family member who is otherwise a good person and fun to hang out and game with. He helps out Oonagh and I with many things when asked and rarely expects much in return. On the other hand, he is a 27 year old man who still lives at home with his parents, has a high school education, works part-time nights only, and is barely responsible to pay his own bills (what little he can afford) without his parent's constant reminders. He has barely any social life and I believe he has yet to be in anything resembling a relationship. Just last year, he finally decided to go back to Community College to get some education and hopefully a start on something resembling a career. This was dropped when he was persuaded to take a cruise that most of the rest of the family decided to all go on. He couldn't afford it and school, so he dropped school a year prior to the cruise so he could save up for it. On our 5 day vacation this past week, he was at the house where we were staying and his idea of relaxing on this vacation was forgo the beach when everyone else was going and stay home and play video games. He spent whole days in the house when there was no shortage of things to do for the week. Basically, he did nothing that a 27 year old man would do on a beach vacation. He went antiquing with his mother, but back to the house to play video games he came shortly thereafter. The long and short of this is that I have someone who I care for, but at the same time I see him wasting his life away with no regard for his future. He is lazy and has no getup-and-go. His interest in schooling seems to have waned and he is completely irresponsible. He relies on Mommy and Daddy to get him through his day to day life. I have never felt quite like this. It is someone I care for, but can't stand at the same time. What do I do? How am I supposed to feel? |
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| Author: | Khross [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 10:43 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Break his knees and feed him to the Sewer Mutants. |
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| Author: | bale [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 11:12 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
he kinda sounds like me in a lot of ways, though I hate to admit that... from my somewhat limited but first-hand experience, there's one hard truth to this situation that you'll have to accept before you can do anything about/for him: he won't change unless he wants to. it doesn't matter how much badgering you do or how much encouragement or support you offer him. any results you get from him if he's reluctant to do so himself will be very temporary and he'll fall back into his old routine as soon as you leave him alone for a second. that being said, it may be time for an emotional/psychological boot camp/intervention. you'll have to help him find something that he wants for himself and can become self motivated to attain. the hard part is going to be making sure that he fully commits himself to whatever he chooses. worst case scenario, he has nothing he wants because he's content with his lot in life. then the only ways to deal with him are going to be very difficult.. it may come to pass that you'll have to disown the poor guy and force him to support himself regardless of which path he falls onto, there's one thing that must be done - get him away from the parents who enable this behavior and cut him off from his video games. even if it's for just a week or so, getting him away from under their roof and influence is essential for him, and by removing his favorite past time he'll forced to look for other things to do again, my experience is limited, but I was very much like him for a time, and it took some hard love from my sisters to knock some sense back into me. I hope it won't be the case for you, but good luck regardless |
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| Author: | Arathain Kelvar [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 11:12 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Is his mommy and daddy your mommy and daddy? If so, bust his ***. If not, then I don't see it being your business really. Offer help if you want, but if he wants to waste his life that's his choice. |
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| Author: | Taskiss [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 11:35 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
My son is on track to be this way. I love him, but I'm not going to do more than put a roof over his head and food in his belly. His mother died a couple of years ago and he got divorced about a year ago and he moved in with me about a month ago. We'll see how it goes. |
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| Author: | Foamy [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 11:39 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: I have a problem... |
Oh, I know that I am not going to make him change his life. It's his bed, he has to sleep in it. Oonagh and I have tried to carefully guide him (We were the ones who talked him into the benefits of continued education) I am not looking for ways to save him from his terrible choices. We have tried and that ship has sailed. What I am trying to do is to cope with the fact that I seem to both care for and despise this person at the same time. I was going to bring this up to a close friend, but he is also a friend of our mystery subject now by acquaintance to me and I didn't know how he'd respond to this. This person is close enough to me and has shown me enough good that I can't just let my negative feelings toward him take over and just say "F*** him" I am quite torn on how I should feel. |
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| Author: | Lonedar [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 11:44 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
I think you are feeling exactly as you should: Love and frustration. They are not mutually exclusive. |
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| Author: | TheRiov [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 11:47 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
he could be suffering from depression. (break out the swarm of people claiming it isnt a 'real' thing or you shouldn't medicate for.) |
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| Author: | darksiege [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 11:53 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
I would suggested a good sit down discussion with this person. Find out what, if anything, is going on inside of his head. Tell him your concerns. |
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| Author: | Killuas [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 1:52 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: I have a problem... |
Is he happy? Just because someone lives their life a different way than you think they should doesn't mean its wrong. Some people don't want to get sucked into the pressures of the world and do what everyone thinks is right, it is up to each person to decide that for themselves. If he has asked for help changing his life then by all means help as you can but if not and you cannot accept him for who he is then maybe you should stop being friends with him. |
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| Author: | Raltar [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 1:54 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
He pays his bills, right? I trust he at least helps Mom and Dad out with...household stuff? What's wrong with the way he's living, exactly? Like Killuas says, not everyone wants to get out and do things. Some people just want to stay inside and keep to themselves. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Things might change when Mom and Dad are gone, though. |
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| Author: | Aizle [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 2:17 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: I have a problem... |
From a friends Facebook update: "If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child." |
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| Author: | Xequecal [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 2:39 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
I know someone who's turning into this too. He has a Master's Degree in architecture, which probably looked like a good idea when he started doing it, but the housing crash means there are no jobs in that field. In this job market with no experience he can't even get a job at an upscale retail store like Best Buy or Kohls, and he doesn't want to go work fast food. As a result he's largely given up, there was a point where he did 100 applications a week, now he doesn't do anything. |
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| Author: | Arathain Kelvar [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 2:46 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: |
Xequecal wrote: I know someone who's turning into this too. He has a Master's Degree in architecture, which probably looked like a good idea when he started doing it, but the housing crash means there are no jobs in that field. In this job market with no experience he can't even get a job at an upscale retail store like Best Buy or Kohls, and he doesn't want to go work fast food. As a result he's largely given up, there was a point where he did 100 applications a week, now he doesn't do anything. That sounds very temporary. Anyone driven enough to get a masters in architecture and fill out 100 applications a week is going to be fine in the end. He needs to ride out his frustration and depression, and then he'll kick himself in the ***. |
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| Author: | Taamar [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 5:23 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: |
Xequecal wrote: In this job market with no experience he can't even get a job at an upscale retail store like Best Buy or Kohls, and he doesn't want to go work fast food. He probably can't get a job in fast food either.... everyone acts like that's an automatic job (as long as you're willing to lower yourself), but fast food places really try to avoid hiring people who are skilled and educated in another field because it's not worth it for them to train someone who thinks the job is beneath them and will just quit when a 'real job' comes along. They prefer desperate unskilled people. |
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| Author: | Raltar [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 5:37 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
That's why you don't list your education when applying. It seems that since I stopped putting my degree on all of my applications, I get a lot more callbacks for interviews. |
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| Author: | Micheal [ Thu Jul 21, 2011 7:50 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Kiss him on the lips, call him Fredo, tell him you know it was him and have Hannibal or Uncle Fester offer to take him fishing. Honestly though, isn't love and despise the way you feel about most of your genetic family, Sean excluded? Kiss Oonagh on the lips tell her how much you love her and thank her for getting you away from them. Like almost all addicts (video games) and slackers (living off mom and dad), your family member will only quit their self-destructive behavior when they are ready and seriously want to. Until then, just be available for them and don't give them money or anything worth money. |
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| Author: | Midgen [ Fri Jul 22, 2011 12:08 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
A week after I graduated from high school, my Father informed me that beginning in 30 days, that my current accomdations (room and board at his domicile) would cost me $350 a month. I called a recruiter the next morning, and left for basic training three weeks later. My older sister (who was still living at home btw) said my mother cried for weeks after I left. I'm not sure she ever forgave my Father (he was right, though)... My Father was never a very active parent, but when it came time to kick me out of the nest, he made the right call (my Mother could never have done this). I wasn't angry, but was rather stunned. It was a serious reality check. If this had not happened there is no telling where I'd be or what Id be doing. I hated school, had no interest in college, had no real skills or motivation, and honestly had never considered my future in that regard. The Military isn't for everyone, but it sure worked out well for me. |
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| Author: | Foamy [ Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:27 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: I have a problem... |
Midgen: The tough love your father showed you was something that his parents never did for him. They were tired of parenting by the time he was coming of age and just had given up even trying. It didn't help that he was the typical rebellious teenager who threw a fit whenever he was asked to do anything by his parents. They just gave up trying to fight him and let him become who he is today. I am saddened because I see him heading down the path I was until I got a reality check and my @$$ kicked into gear by a certain redhead who shall remain nameless. I wanted so badly to impart what wisdom I have gained unto him and let him know that life is never an easy path and if you don't get up, go out and grab what it is you want, it is never going to be handed to you. I don't see progress in him and I don't see the will to make those changes and difficult decisions. For this, I think much, much less of him than I want to. |
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| Author: | Timmit [ Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:37 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: |
Midgen wrote: The Military isn't for everyone, but it sure worked out well for me. Worked for me, too (4.5 years til retirement...) but there's about a 1 year wait to go to boot camp now, and that's only going to get worse when the Army and Marines get hit with the planned 10% manpower reduction...
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| Author: | Midgen [ Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:48 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Well, in my case, I was mentally and emotionally not prepared to fend for myself in the real world. The Military gave me a structure to survive in, with strict rules to follow. This bought me some time to discover myself, and and find some direction, with 3 squares, and a roof over my head... There were many things I hated about the Military, and I wouldn't suggest it is the right path for everyone, but if I hadn't chosen that path, who knows what I'd be doing now... |
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| Author: | Diamondeye [ Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:22 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: I have a problem... |
27 is still plenty young enough to sign up, too. |
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| Author: | Taamar [ Fri Jul 22, 2011 5:56 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
I see my close friend doing this with her son. He's 'unschooled' and has never had to keep a schedule, has never taken an exam, and has never had to sit through something he didn't find enjoyable. He has never read a book he didn't choose, and he has no friends that he has made on his own (he considers his parents friends to be his peers). He doesn't have any experience with "if you're an *** no one will hang out with you" or "if you don't follow the rules you don't get invited back". He turns 18 in December. There's are no plans to ask him to leave, and he's being asked to get a job to offset the child support they won't be getting anymore. Get a job? Really? Who is going to hire a nearly illiterate kid who can't keep a schedule and doesn't care what people think? And the worst part is that my friend thinks he's just fine. |
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| Author: | Neksar [ Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:24 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: I have a problem... |
Seems like the fella has a lack of motivation. I can understand that. As soon as someone finds a cure, lemme know. If I had to guess, I'd also say it might be fear of change. To be honest, I'm only trying to relate personal experience - I'm not sure what I want to do in/after college, and I'm content to waste a vacation playing vidya games, so I fear ending up in the same boat at age 27. Video games, for some, are all they need for a pastime, much to the chagrin of friends and significant others. On a more serious note, I think an existence like that might be accompanied by depression, too. I often find myself wondering why I'm not motivated to do anything. I don't want anything out of life, and I wonder why. Perhaps he is in the same boat, and just hasn't found anything he's found to be worth pouring himself into, and so he finds video games to be the most satisfying use of his time. The problem, then, and this is just my opinion, is that video games don't promote going out and finding that special something. |
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| Author: | Micheal [ Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:13 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Take his phone and give him a new pay as you go one with an empty address book. Put him on a flight to Portland, tell him someone will meet him at the airport. When he calls, if he can remember the number, say "Portland Oregon? I sent you to Portland. Maine? How did that happen. Get a job and I'll send you the return ticket when we can afford it, may be a few months. check in with the Pennsylvania ambassador there." He'll never ask you for anything again. |
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