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Life is falling apart
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Author:  Killuas [ Sun Jul 15, 2012 3:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Life is falling apart
I had intended on staying away but right now my life is so messed up and I need someplace to vent.

I just confirmed my wife was having an affair. She was supposed to be at a conference but I have had some suspicions for a little while so I did some digging. I didn't want to I trusted her but the doubt kept creeping in. I confirmed it this morning when I called the hotel where I had figured out she was staying at - which was in another part of the country from where she was supposed to be - and some guy answered the phone. I hung up but she called me after. She is supposed to be taking a flight back today.

I don't know what to do at this point. Do I give up 16 years and 14 years of marriage? How do I trust her again. How do we fix what caused this to happen in the first place. I don't know. I feel like I got kicked in the nuts, its hard to breathe. I have been crying all day, I thought we were going to grow old together.

I am so tempted to say **** it all and just head off to some cabin in the backwoods of Canada and disappear from the world. I have been hurt so many times in the past and I really thought she would never do that to me. Funny thing is it isn't even the affair itself that hurts me the most it is the lies. I am about as lost as I could be right now.
Author:  FarSky [ Sun Jul 15, 2012 4:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Life is falling apart
I'm so sorry, Killuas. I don't know any advice to give you, or anything to say other than we're here for you to vent, use as a sounding board, or just to talk about it. Whatever you need.

Thoughts and prayers to you. :(
Author:  SuiNeko [ Sun Jul 15, 2012 4:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Life is falling apart
Good luck.

Let us know how you are.

People **** up.

Sometimes you should forgive; sometimes not. Wait till you know the details , how she feels, how you feel.

Either way, stay in touch, and stay sane.

Big hugs.

Good luck.
Author:  Kirra [ Sun Jul 15, 2012 5:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Life is falling apart
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. :(

My prayers are with you. If you need to vent feel free to pm me.
Author:  Micheal [ Sun Jul 15, 2012 5:41 pm ]
Post subject: 
Boot her to the curb.

Not my normal type of advice, but this is one area I am not warm and cuddly on.

People can make any kind of upfront arrangements they want in a relationship, open marriages abound, polyamry works for a lot of people, but when monogamy is the relationship the dishonesty of cheating indicates ongoing problems that will never be resolved.

My experience, yours may vary.
Author:  Lydiaa [ Sun Jul 15, 2012 6:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Life is falling apart
First of all you have to figure out if you still love her and want to make it work. Be honest, there's no point trying to save a number, when you no longer love the person.

Once you have figured that part out, you need to think of the best for your kids. While it’s easy to say, stuff it and walk away from it all, there are still innocent lives involved here, and seeing the pictures of your kids, I’d say they are worth your thoughts.

Think about how you want to move forward from there, divorce being the most obvious one. You could also try to work things out, or any other shades of grey in between (e.g. have an open relationship, but still be there as a family for the kids).

Lastly, talk to your wife, as a logical adult and not a jilted husband. It will be hard and you may want to involve a professional.

Good luck sweetie, you’ll have to be strong here, not for yourself but for your kids. /hugs
Author:  LadyKate [ Sun Jul 15, 2012 7:19 pm ]
Post subject: 
I thought the two of you were getting divorced several months ago? iirc, she was treating you like poo then, right?
Author:  Lenas [ Sun Jul 15, 2012 7:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Life is falling apart
I hate to say it but I agree with Michael. Love alone can't save a relationship If there's no trust. You already didn't completely trust her before you found out... What do you think this is going to do to your psyche? It's going to tear you apart from the inside, wondering what she's doing every single time she walks out of that door.

Save yourself the future heart ache and start recovering now.

Micheal wrote:
... but when monogamy is the relationship the dishonesty of cheating indicates ongoing problems that will never be resolved.


Wise words.
Author:  Jasmy [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 12:26 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Life is falling apart
I have no advice for you, just know you are in my thoughts.

/hugs
Author:  FarSky [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 12:48 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Life is falling apart
Lenas wrote:
I hate to say it but I agree with Michael. Love alone can't save a relationship If there's no trust. You already didn't completely trust her before you found out... What do you think this is going to do to your psyche? It's going to tear you apart from the inside, wondering what she's doing every single time she walks out of that door.

Save yourself the future heart ache and start recovering now.

There is no good answer to be found, but this is the best answer, given the circumstances.
Author:  Corolinth [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 2:40 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Life is falling apart
Human beings are complex creatures, with numerous conflicting emotions. While there are partners who cheat because they're selfish backstabbing wastes of flesh, the majority are ordinary human beings who, each in their own way, have been spurned or jilted.

Everyone acts as though infidelity is an unforgivable betrayal. That's pride and vanity. Couples manage to reconcile quite frequently. You really don't need to hear all about how trust, once broken, can never be restored. Mostly because it simply isn't true, but also because it isn't helpful to you in any way. There is a problem in a relationship that has lasted for sixteen years. You said it yourself - you never thought she'd do this. So what changed?

Sixteen years is a long time for both of you to say and do things you regret. It's also a long time to give each other reasons to stay together. It's soul-searching time.
Author:  Micheal [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 2:54 am ]
Post subject: 
If this had been an oops, I got drunk and screwed a stranger there would be a bit more leeway.

This was an I lied to you, slipped out of town on the pretense of going somewhere I had business going to, and screwed a lover, took a vacation with someone else, spent our money used our resources, took time away from us to be with someone else. It is betrayal on several levels, not just an I **** up, I'm so damn sorry honey.

It seems odd to see you playing the reconciler while I'm playing the hard *** on this one Coro.
Author:  Hopwin [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 6:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re:
Micheal wrote:
If this had been an oops, I got drunk and screwed a stranger there would be a bit more leeway.

This was an I lied to you, slipped out of town on the pretense of going somewhere I had business going to, and screwed a lover, took a vacation with someone else, spent our money used our resources, took time away from us to be with someone else. It is betrayal on several levels, not just an I **** up, I'm so damn sorry honey.

^ Took the words out of my mouth, I would be more explicit though. She didn't go out and get some "strange" on you Kill, she planned, looked forward to and was enjoying a romantic trip with another man.

She can pay lip-service but trust and believe, she checked out of this marriage well before this decision was made.
Author:  Sam [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 7:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Life is falling apart
Really sorry to hear your woes dude. Not much can be said to help I'm afraid. Take inventory of your life, and take care of yourself.
Author:  Elmarnieh [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 7:54 am ]
Post subject: 
There is a saying of "Don't throw good money after bad." in that you don't invest in a losing investment because you already invested X. I believe the same applies to another valuable resource: time.

Good luck and *hugs*
Author:  Foamy [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 8:18 am ]
Post subject: 
I have nothing to add in the way of advice. I hope you decide to do what is best for you.

As said above, we are here as a sounding board for you to vent if you need it.

*brohugs*
Author:  Kirra [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 8:37 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Life is falling apart
Back a year ago in April you said that you were having problems and weren't sure if you should stay together, you were going to go to counseling and try to work things out. Did you end up going to Paris? In that thread things sounded positive at the end. I'm sorry that you have to go through this turmoil. It's the hardest thing ever.


Lydiaa, I don't think they have kids.
Author:  Killuas [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 8:54 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Life is falling apart
No kids thankfully. We did do the marriage counseling thing a while back and things seemed to improve for a while. She got back last night and we had a long talk. There are some things that I consider mitigating circumstances when it comes to her, she was sexually abused by her stepfather as a child and even to this day after therapy and other things she has a lot of self esteem issues.

The guy wasn't a stranger to her and played on her self image issues to make her feel wanted which I admit I may not always do the best job of letting her know. This doesn't excuse what she did but I can't find it in myself to condemn her completely, it takes two to screw things up. I love her very much and we are going to not make any hasty decisions.

I moved into the guest room last night and we are going to try and see if we can salvage this. It will take work but even after this I think she is worth the effort. Maybe I'm being stupid but I have to try if nothing else than for myself so I don't feel like I just gave up, I don't like to quit anything unless I know its hopeless.

Thanks, for the support everyone I guess we will see what happens.
Author:  Kaffis Mark V [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:18 am ]
Post subject: 
It sounds like you want to try to salvage your relationship. I hope both of you are able to do so, and move past this to live a happy life together, Killuas.

It sucks that people have to face these situations.
Author:  Arathain Kelvar [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:13 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Life is falling apart
Killuas wrote:
There are some things that I consider mitigating circumstances when it comes to her, she was sexually abused by her stepfather as a child and even to this day after therapy and other things she has a lot of self esteem issues.

The guy wasn't a stranger to her and played on her self image issues to make her feel wanted which I admit I may not always do the best job of letting her know. This doesn't excuse what she did but I can't find it in myself to condemn her completely, it takes two to screw things up. I love her very much and we are going to not make any hasty decisions.


It may very well be that these issues make her susceptible to bad decisions. But, what does that have to do with you? It's one thing to make bad decisions, but it's something else entirely to have someone betray and treat you badly. Her issues do not mitigate what you deserve.

Also, she's already got you blaming yourself, at least in part, for her transgressions. That's beyond **** up. You don't fully make her feel wanted? How much should anyone want a lying, cheating spouse?

My only advice is this: She screwed up, not you. If you want to be able to trust her again, you need her to take full responsibility. You didn't force her to cheat - if you're doing something wrong, she can tell you about it, or leave you. Not cheat. That's a **** bullshit excuse.
Author:  LadyKate [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 1:41 pm ]
Post subject: 
^+1

Sometimes we invent excuses for others because the consequences of what we would have to do in order to hold them accountable for their behavior means hurting ourselves too.
I can understand trying to find reasons not to leave a 16 year relationship, but make sure that if you stay that you are not the one making all the concessions and doing all the work.
If she is not 110% repentent and willing to go to counseling and make amends to EARN your trust back, then you're fooling yourself and wasting your time and hurting yourself in the long run.
Author:  Rynar [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 1:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
Force her to get herself tested for STDs, and get yourself tested as well. Make her share her results with you.
Author:  Micheal [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 3:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
You've been a member here for a long time and have lots of friends on these forums Killuas. We are here to support you. This is your marriage and your decisions, and you will do what you need to do. Please don't let the love you have had for her all these years make you accept the blame for her bad decisions. I've seen people trying to escape the consequences for their actions (of both genders) play the "I'm psychologically screwed up and it isn't my fault, so it has to be yours" game for many years.

What you had may not be there anymore, just its ghost and its memory.

Do the counseling bit again, but always protect your back and make it a neutral counselor, not hers. Also, make an appointment, talk to a lawyer, just in case. You do not deserve to be the one screwed by this affair. Has she said how long it has been going on yet?

How long has she been betraying you while she has been either victimized or in love with this jerk?
Author:  Khross [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 5:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Life is falling apart
Killuas:

Any decision you make is most appropriately guided by Corolinth's closing advice -- "It's soul searching time." Love is not a pie. There's a short story about that, in fact, by Amy Bloom. I suggest you read it, because I think it might offer a perspective you've not considered, but I'm loathe to offer advice here. Soul searching is where your future and answers lie, not in anything the rest of us have to say.
Author:  Aizle [ Mon Jul 16, 2012 7:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Life is falling apart
Khross wrote:
Soul searching is where your future and answers lie, not in anything the rest of us have to say.


This is probably the best advice that has ever been given on these forums.

I wish you the best in your difficult time ahead.
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