The Glade 4.0

Why is the gay mind control laser a better conspiracy theory than the ones we currently have?

Let's take a look at a few of the more popular conspiracy theories.

1) The Illuminati is the idea that there is some secret society controlling all of the world governments' policies. The gay mind control laser posits that there is a secret society controlling the world, and as an added bonus, they're all gay! Now, let's consider for a moment that the power elite during the time of the Greek and Roman empires all had homosexual relationships. If the secret society that controls the world has been around for so long, there's no reason to think it didn't exist during those ancient times. Most likely, this secret society formed during the "fall" of those ancient empires as the power elite went into the shadows to become our hidden puppet masters. These hidden puppet masters would have had no reason to alter their sexual tastes, despite the rise of homophobic religions.

2) Chemtrails is the theory that the government is using airplanes to spread chemicals for nefarious purposes, mainly mind control. It's similar to the idea that the government is putting flouride in the water for mind control purposes. The gay mind control laser has this right in the name. Use of modern technology to control the minds of the citizens? We're all over this, baby!

3) The 9/11 Truthers insist that the government is lying about 9/11. The Roswell Alien theory insists that an alien spaceship crashed in the deserts of New Mexico and the government covered it up. Have you ever heard the U.S. government talk about the gay mind control laser? That's because the government is covering it up!

The gay mind control laser is all of the best conspiracy theories the world has ever conceived, plus gays. It's like when you're cooking, and you add cheese, salt, or paprika. Conspiracy theories are getting bland. They need a little gay to kick them up a notch.

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Buckle your pants or they might fall down.

I think I may have to pull out my copy of SJG's Illuminati and change the name of Orbital Mind Control Lasers with a sharpie.

One question, though -- if our powerful secret puppetmasters are all gay, why did they allow our culture to marginalize themselves for so long? And if there's a good reason for them to have done so, why are they reversing course on that policy decision now?

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"Aaaah! Emotions are weird!" - Amdee
"... Mirrorshades prevent the forces of normalcy from realizing that one is crazed and possibly dangerous. They are the symbol of the sun-staring visionary, the biker, the rocker, the policeman, and similar outlaws." - Bruce Sterling, preface to Mirrorshades

Well think about it. If they were controlling the world from the shadows, it wouldn't have mattered whether gays were marginalized. They're still running ****. And best of all, nobody would ever have suspected it.

However, as they tested the gay mind control laser, obviously there were more gays in the world - gays who were not members of the power elite. The first victims of the gay mind control laser were during the 50s as they tested the actual laser. Then, during the 70s and 80s, they were testing the satellite technology. Now they're finally ready to start zapping all of us.

Think about it. How remarkably convenient was it for Ted Haggard that he happened to find a gay prostitute willing to have sex with him in a bathroom? Being outed was a minor inconvenience. He just prayed the gay away and everybody bought it.

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Buckle your pants or they might fall down.

Yes, but only if we get to keep our tinfoil hats.

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I prefer to think of them as "Fighting evil in another dimension"

Gay mind control laserS.


It takes a full spectrum hit to really convert someone, and in a lot of cases you just wing the target with a couple beams, and wind up with an increased acumen for interior decoration or great fashion sense.

No, the older obsolete theories are still popular enough it allows us to spot the nutjobs quickly.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

Keep out the queers!

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Wait is the laser gay?
Does it only affect gay minds?

My thetans are all screwed up due to aluminum poisoning.

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A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. ~ John Stuart Mill