I am getting divorced. It is the end of an 8 year relationship.
While my wife and I had problems, we worked on them, and went through cycles of 'better' and 'bad'.
She initiated the separation, first talking about it 12/14. Given I am 2000 miles from my family, I asked for time to work on things and to have a normal Christmas.
We went to her parents, where I behaved as if life was normal (really? A guy with his in-laws not wanting to tell her family that she's unhappy with him? Whatever would have me do that) and I stepped on her toes a time or two. [Ex: Her cousin asked her for technical support. She gave her answer, I gave a different answer. Caveat: I rewrote the article for the question she was asking about last year.]
We drove home (3 hour drive in silence) and when we get home, the first thing I ask is if I ought to look for an apartment. She says 'Yes'.
It takes a little bit to get things in order, so I move 1/8.
We get along better, at first, than we did when I lived there. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, all that. Plus, she didn't have to be annoyed by me squirreling t-shirts in corners or other pet peeves, not to mention any major issues.
Three weeks later, it's her birthday. I am back at our house hanging out with her and her parents - two days - and I tick her off (again.)
A few weeks later, anniversary of when we met, I prepare a meal for her - scallops and spinach fettucine and a salad with dried cranberries and almonds.
A few weeks later, my birthday, we have a party, things seem to be well, she hosts, we have fun, etc.
I've been applying for a job during this period which would take me 2 hours away. Oh, I failed to mention... we work together. To get to my desk, the most efficient route is past hers. She knows it's a good opportunity, and she can't ask me to stay.
This woman is the best friend I have - with my next best friends being: in Boston, in Austin, my sister (also in Austin), going to EOD in 3 days from now, in Denver, etc.
There's not a lot of friends I have, outside Michael, in the Sacramento area who aren't 1) leaving to Army, 2) having a baby, or 3) my soon-to-be-ex-wife.
However, because we work together, I've been playing the 'I'm fine, don't worry' act at work. When I was told (on my birthday) I didn't get the job I wanted, I didn't let it break me down, because it meant I wouldn't leave the area unexpectedly and hamper any reconciliation efforts.
5 days later, we are hanging out at the house, and she asks, 'Where is this going?'
Me: 'I want to improve as a person and try to make you happy.'
Her: 'I am happier being single.'
Me: 'OK, so it's over.'
Her: 'Yes'
Much more was said that night, including '... if we hadn't been married then [May 2005], I wouldn't have ever married you.' which is very hard for me to understand because we had been married less than a year and I was getting ready to leave behind the life I knew to move with her to be closer to her family and for her to get a teacher's certification.
Anyway, this was 3/14, which was 5 days after my birthday, 5 days before the 3rd anniversary of my mother's death, and I am trying not to show her how much this hurts because her trying to be there is only going to hurt more. Again, best friend for pretty much 8 years, and I can't seek comfort from her.
Anyway, 3/17, her sister is in town, and she invites me to hang out with them. I decline, having previously made plans. (I didn't even really consider the fact that her sister was the first to suggest separation/divorce in December.)
3/18, she complains to me about her mother, who is not, in most ways, a bad woman or a bad mother-in-law. She's just my least favorite of her immediate family.
3/19 - 3/21, she is with her family celebrating her dad's 60th birthday and her grandmother's birthday.
I don't see her - and I am obviously not trying to seek out her company - until maybe 3/24. We don't talk at work that day. 3/25, I had plans to see Sucker Punch, I'd bowed out a weekly D & D game Saturday because a friend may be driving up from Huntington Beach (LA, long ways away), and she swung by my desk to ask what I was doing that weekend.
I say 'You remember Jillian? From Chicago?' [Note: 13-14 years ago, before I knew my wife, but I have told her stories]
She is frustrated by being asked this and ultimately asks me to sushi.
Since Jill knows what is going on, I figure sure, because maybe she'll be there, maybe not, but invited to sushi by my soon-to-be-ex-wife 11 days after she told me it's over to me means:
1) She's regretting her decision OR
2) She's going to serve me with some paperwork and wanted to do it in a public place to avoid a scene OR
3) She's lonely and her depression / medication has her seeking human contact
1 would be awesome, 2 would be understandable and may help healing, 3 is hell but again, best friend, nearly a decade, have to try if she needs it
I try to be zen about the possibilities all day. I tell my D & D friends, who know the plans with Jill are kind of fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, that I may not be available because I may be having sushi with Mrs. Katas when we go see Sucker Punch. I go home.
Text:
11:25 PM Mrs. Katas: "We have counciling at 10 if you want to go'
I call her right away.
'What's going on? I mean, this and sushi...'
'Nothing's going on.'
'OK. So you haven't changed your mind. It's over'
'It's over'
Clearly, frustration and anger are what I am getting for trying to decipher these signs. New text: 'I do not want to go out sat with you anymore'
Since Michael is a friend to both of us, and an excellent listener, after I rant to my sister, and to him, I ask him to call and invite her out, because I am concerned for her. I leave a message on her voicemail to apologize for reading into things because it was kindness and courtesy (and lack of consideration, apparently) that had these mixed signals come across. Trying not to choke up the whole time.
Michael has a good meal with her, and she texts me (at D & D, since Jill flaked):
7:35: [Michael] checked in on me
7:55, she calls. I step away from the gaming table and try to pick up. Call failed.
7:56: Ok we don't have to talk. Have it your way.
Me: Call failed.
[Pause]
I call her, and basically, I tell her I don't think we should meet, 1 on 1, and she says 'You couldn't handle it!'
This, again, was 3/26. We have very different shifts at work, so I don't see her much in the following days, and what would I say to her anyway?
4/1, a friend (in Austin) chats me to tell me his dog died. Again, mutual friend, she's a dog lover, etc. I tell her via text message.
'I did not know Keegan had a dog'
'And really, this is the first way you communicate with me in 5 days?'
'Or it looks like we don't speak'
(During this, I was driving around, squiring our friend Iz to her birthday party.)
I check my phone and explain: 'Sorry, I don't know what I'd tell you - but I thought you may want to give Keegan sympathy'
'You could also wish Iz happy birthday - was driving with her to her birthday dinner'
Mrs. K: 'I will. I did not know she was having a party.'
'I don't think we should see each other socially either'
5 days later, the dog we were offered (by the friend going EOD, 1 day after the separation talk, 10 days before Christmas) is hurt. Nothing serious, thankfully, but she texts me, I call, she invites me '...come over and talk about this like adults...' - so I do, and we make a modicum of peace.
She said she didn't realize I would be hurt 11 days after she told me it was over. That I appeared to be fine.
*sigh*
In talking to my sister, who left her husband because she realized she liked women, she said:
'Women are crazy. A year after we were separated, we were at a baby thing for a couple we both knew. I got so drunk, I cried and vomited on my roommate's car.'
'Wow - uhm, I don't really care, but my belief was that you didn't like boy parts anymore?'
'I don't. Isn't that f^&*ed up?'
Login
Register
FAQ
Search
