The Glade 4.0

Yesterday, I got up, and I went to work... a little later than usual, but just meant I'd leave and hang out with a friend a little later also.

Work started pretty boring and then the day went to WTF about 11:30.

Original Backstory: Read this

Additional Backstory:
A friend from high school has also been going through a divorce. His wife moved out last month, 1 day after his birthday, 5 days before what would have been their 11th anniversary. This is the high school sweetheart and thus accounts for 50% of his life and 100% of his dating/relationship experience.

Since I've known her about 15 years, I tried to be friends with both of them, and since their difficulties have been more obvious for longer, I believe there were fewer shocked by the separation.

A few weeks ago, her Facebook status changed to 'in a relationship with <new guy>'. I didn't comment, just marked it as 'unwise-life-decision' and moved on. Tuesday, her status said 'I'm getting too good at moving' - suggesting she moved in with <new guy>. Similarly filed.

She called me to ask how I was - unusual, to say the least - and I asked her how she was (expecting that to be the real reason she called).

She said she got setup on a blind date and she's with this new guy and she's pretty happy.

I told her that it is good she has something positive amid the craziness of everything else and then reminded her that I was at work (to which she seemed surprised.)

20 minutes later, my estranged wife came to my cubicle to rant that she's facing threats of termination if she doesn't actually come to work. In the past 90 days, I've seen her maybe a dozen times at work. The rest she's been out due to migraines or paperwork delays due to migraines.

I feel some concern for her but I don't know what I am supposed to do to help or what to say. She's also made it clear she wants to see me, and the last time that I hung out with her (and the pets, whom I miss), there was an offer for physical intimacy that I declined.

She had to go and punch in, so I worked and went to lunch and ranted a little about the above to a co-worker and friend (in his car, while we drove to lunch).

About 2, she comes by the desk, and asks about my pants and if they are new, compliments me for taking care of myself with the new pants and the haircut, and seems a little flirty/touchy feely. I try to ignore that and be professional.

Shortly thereafter, she sends me an instant message on the work Jabber server. Conversation went like this:

Her: I gots a question for you
Me: OK
Her: Would you like to go on a date?
Me: No, thank you

... which the offer was enough of a WTF that I texted a few friends and my sister.

A little while later, she sends me an AOL IM that apologizes for asking me out and talking about getting terminated. That the two are not related. I reply I didn't think they were.

Then, ~4:10, a new friend (platonic though it would be nice if something developed) whom I haven't talked to in days returns my routine 'good morning' with 'Hello!'.

I ask if she was feeling chipper, she said 'no, lol' and I explain the ! had me confused and I was hoping she had an awesome day and that my day was brought to me by W, T, and F.

Her reply: "I've been in a psychiatric hospital"

I knew that she had some mental health issues, so I say: OK, that is a little WTF also. Any specific reason?

Which, of course, the reason was the standard 'danger to herself or others' - largely herself.

All this WTF on one day makes me a little glad I didn't actually become a psychologist... though, if I had, I would have better skills to manage and help these situations.

Thanks for reading or just letting me regurgitate the events.

_________________
Once, I was a ranger
Then, I was a warlock
And a mage
And a paladin
Now, I seek to be myself

dude... I got nothing. I hope that all gets better man.

_________________
Darksiege
Traveller, Calé, Whisperer
Lead me not into temptation; for I know a shortcut

Continued rant...

You read about the Lorena Bobbitt redux? Yeah, apparently, my estranged wife did also, and yesterday, while I was passing down the hall to my desk, she said, "Hey, just so you know, it could have been worse..." and makes references to it that were just savage in front of friends and co-workers.

I got a SMS from one who said "wow, that is all I can say about that"

She did apologize that the joke went horribly awry. It didn't help that much but at least she realized it was not cool.

Then, at 3, my estranged wife comes to my desk to ask me for a ride home from our mutual workplace due to her migraines and dry heaving at her desk.

I reluctantly agreed, because there's not a lot of people to whom she could turn, and I didn't want her driving home and killing herself or others.

I pack up and we get ready to go and she states that I'll have to bring her back in the morning or she'll have to drive herself.

Ugh. Not something I anticipated or look forward to, but since the option was to let her drive herself, again, sure.

She offered that I could stay in the guest bed room. I declined.

So she thanked me profusely... offered to get me something (I not only make more than her, I am at work all 40 hours of the 52 weeks or I am using sick or vacation time which pays the same as I have tons stored up, so that's like 'Really? Make me feel guilty about helping you...' - I took a pillow from the guest bedroom because my pillow situation sucks) and, just about 10 minutes from her house, she proceeded to grill me if I met someone, was dating someone, or was on course to be dating someone (I'd like to not be single for the holidays since I won't have any family nearby to share them).

I didn't tell her '*****, back off! My personal life isn't your business anymore.'

We got there, I did some work (I got a text telling me that something was due early the next day), petted the cat, asked a friend whom I was supposed to meet up with if he was free, and tried not to upset or hurt my estranged wife who wasn't feeling well, despite my 'I didn't really want to do this' position about being there.

I got her wake-up call the next morning and drove to pick her up and drive her back. She continued to thank me profusely, offering me blueberry pie.

Finally, I said, "Here's what you can do for me. Stop asking me to help you. It is just awkward and uncomfortable."

and after that and her reply (somewhat dejected but understanding, I believe):

"And I didn't appreciate being grilled about my personal life yesterday. That was not cool."

So we drove on and there were definite moments of quiet frustration that could have been passive-aggressive on her part or me being too sensitive or her having a migraine or... I don't know.

Her: "Why didn't you tell me about the grilling yesterday?" (Basically)
Me: "Because I didn't want to upset you and you weren't feeling well."
Her: "Well, no need to act the martyr." (Basically)

Basically, she wanted to know why I was taking care of myself and looking better and... I don't know? Being less absent-minded-professor?

I am not sure if that is jealousy or for her own self-esteem or why she wants to know.

Would it help her to know the motivation for me to improve one of the reasons she ended it?

She did say yesterday she didn't want to be 'my mom' anymore but she wants to be my friend but I can't imagine understanding the reasons for my improvement will help her, and explaining it all to her would just be frustrating.

I don't know. Obviously, I am not lucky in love, but my frustrations over my love life or the shambles of it isn't something I want to meander through, especially with her.

Hell, even if I had a one-night stand or was starting something with someone, which I am not saying I haven't or am not (for all I know she's reading these, since she knows of the Glade), would it be humane for me to say:

"I totally hooked up with this gal... we were having a great conversation that lead to... What? You asked!"

"I've met this amazing girl... she's sweet and pretty and has the most adorable smile. What? You asked!"

Is that so weird or wrong?

_________________
Once, I was a ranger
Then, I was a warlock
And a mage
And a paladin
Now, I seek to be myself

Basic advise. She asked you to leave. If she wants to stay on a friendly basis, that is all good and wonderful, but she no longer needs or should have access to the details of your personal affairs, or non-affairs even.

She may want to know everything, but at this point she is not entitled to know anything.

I think she is having second thoughts, that maybe she doesn't want to end it after all, and i think you realize she us having those thoughts, and you have decided it needs to be ended after all.

As to why you are taking better care of yourself, I have some thoughts on that too (and by the way, congratulations, that is a good thing). Basically, you were relying on her to take care of you before (the whole mom thing she was tired of does have some basis in fact) and now that you have to take care of yourself you are noticing some of the things that were driving her nuts - and taking care of them.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, nor even give you any direction. You seem to be finding your way fairly well and I'm happy for you that you are. Eventually, she will too.

_________________
The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

Hugs hugs, Katas, I'm sorry you have to be dragged around like this

Take care of you

_________________


Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti

People get in ruts in relationships. Sounds like you're climbing out of yours and she isn't.

If she doesn't respect your wishes for her to stop asking for your help, I'd find a new job.

_________________
In time, this too shall pass.

This. She's trying desperately to keep you on a string and it's not working....keep it cordial, keep your boundaries, and start putting your resume out there.

Update:

I haven't put my resumé out there because I love my job. Seriously. Not quitting because of her.

Due to her migraines, she is still out a lot.

On the 3rd, enough people asked me how she was that I texted 'x and y both asked how you are doing' and she replied:

'Thanks. I hopefully come in tomorrow.'

A few weeks ago, I put together a Facebook thing inviting a few dozen co-workers out for sushi (more like 18 days ago I put it together, for an invite 15 days ago.)

I did not include her, for obvious reasons, as well as the fact most of the co-workers whom I invited are in a different department.

A few days later, she strolls over to my cubicle saying she's craving sushi.

I did not tell her 'Too bad. I have plans.' - I said, 'Well, I was putting this together... you can come, I suppose...'

Sadly, even with ~3 days notice, everyone either flaked on the invite or could not attend.

So it was her and I... it was awkward, but it wasn't as painful as it could be.

I mentioned going to the dentist, she praised me for taking care of myself, I tried to keep it light and not too personal.

She invited me back to the house to see the dogs. I declined. I told her I was stuffed (and I was) and tired and I had laundry the next day.

She invited me over to watch movies while I did laundry. I declined again. Told her there's a big machine and it's faster... somewhat true, but I essentially preferred not to make it too intimate.

So things were ok. Maybe not 'We're best of friends like we used to be' but I didn't think there was much to say.

Then, I got her Comcast bill... which I had suggested she keep in my name so she could cancel and get new subscriber deals, but I think the deal we were both on (which is through work) is better overall, so I texted her the 9th: 'Comcast bill in your desk btw' and got the expected 'Thanks.'

She texted me the 10th 'To get my name on the comcast bill we both have to go to the comcast place and fill out forms' so I said 'OK.'

She wanted to do it the 13th, I thought that was fine but I had a nagging 'I think I have plans' - which turned out to be 'help my friend/DM move' so I texted her the 12th 'I'm helping Mark move tomorrow... sorry' and got 'OK.'

There wasn't a lot of talk/communication the few days I saw her since, but one item of note was there's a monthly meeting that I run and she attends. There was a guy sitting behind her who had his hand up a moment earlier and she put hers up and I basically said 'Aubrey then we'll go with you' and she thought I was being rude.

I don't know. It's possible. I was a little stressed that day.

She also said I was staring at her. I find that unlikely and really can't check with others without biasing the results.

Then, evening of the 18th, I get 'So I was going to get a different AT&T account. I was letting you know because I have to log in as you to do it.'

'OK'
'Thanks for letting me know.'

Her: 'Ok'
Her: 'And thanks for letting me know the bill is due.'

Mind you, this is a cell phone bill for cell phone service we've had for years, and she used to pay the bills. It wasn't paid until today or tomorrow, really, so I wasn't going to bug her for $60 for her phone line.

Her: 'I just put $60 in your account'

Me: 'Thank you'

Then, the 19th, I went to the cafeteria to get lunch, and came back to find a box... inside of which was my passport, birth certificate, a cheesy wedding gift from a family friend, and my diploma.

Good to have? Yes. Things I forgot? Yes. Things I needed? No.

Somewhat dumbstruck by the passive aggressive behavior, when she wandered over 90 minutes later, she tells me 'I'm getting a new Macy's card, and I told Comcast to take you off and I got them to do it because my husband doesn't talk to me anymore. We'll have to see how the bank is able to take my name off the account, but we may need to close it and open a new one...'

I really don't know all the things she said, but the passive-aggressive thanks from the previous night plus this tirade, outside my cubicle, really was a wonderful day at work.

So today, or yesterday now, I get a text:

'What do you want me to do with all your porn?'

TMI, likely, but I am ranting, and anyone who knows me well is not surprised that I have porn. That I'd be stupid enough to leave it behind with my wife during a separation is also likely not a huge surprise.

After the previous scene with items left at work, I text:

'I can come pick that and anything else of mine I have forgotten up'

She said 'I can drop that off'

I made sure to ask: 'At my place?'

Her: 'Yes' *pause while I am trying to say I don't want to be a bother*
Her: 'Is that OK?'

Me: 'Yeah, fine with me, thanks for bringing what I left behind'

Her: 'OK, OMW'

Not much later, she arrives, I buzz her through, and I go down to get my stuff, hoping it doesn't turn into a thing but expecting it will.

She insists on carrying it up, so I sit down, expecting it to be a fun afternoon.

She says on the way she has a question, and there's one we bought that she somewhat wants, so I say 'Sure, have it' because really? This is now what we're being awkward about? Awesome.

Anyway, the conversation transitions, and the upshot is that she's saying that I am being rude to her and people are starting to notice and that I am creating a hostile work environment.

I say 'I'm not trying to be rude. I don't go out of my way to do so.' essentially and ask for examples, mindful of the meeting when I was trying to run things but really clueless about any other good example.

The best I had was that I walked out and showed my new keychain/bottle opener, which is Conan's sword with Conan lettering on top of it, to her and a mutual friend she was talking with, but I wasn't 'Hey, you like me better than her, right?' about it. I simply was a little happy about a silly little piece of schwag I got this past week.

Anyway, so threatening to go to her manager about it, again, she is hurt, I am not trying to be a jerk to her, etc. She exits.

About the instant she gets home, she posts on my Facebook wall:

'Over the last 8 months I have tried several times to be your friend. I know things with the separation were though [sic] with both of us, but I was hoping that we could still have some kind of friendship even though we did not have each over [sic]. I see now that I was wrong. I am done with you. Good luck, Tim.'

I screenshot and take it down.

She texts me: 'Did you take down my post?'

'Yes'

Her: 'Why I thought it was taste fill [sic] and accurate'

About 10 minutes later, new wall post:

'After 8 months of trying to remain friends I can no longer do it. [Name], I am done trying to be your friend. I know you are just going to take this post down in a in [sic], but good luck in your life.'

Screenshot and taken down.

8 minutes later:

'Tim, I have tried to be your friend your [sic] the past 8 months while we were separated. I know now that was never going to succeed. Good luck with your life, I a [sic] glad that I will not be part of it.'

Screenshot and taken down.

45 minutes later, on her wall, she posts something similar before unfriending me.

Edit: She also texted: 'And you cannot control me anymore'

Totally forgot that.

Tomorrow, I get to take the screenshots to my boss and say 'Uhm, Dan, yeah, just so you know...'

I vented to my sister. I vented to my friend who helped me at IKEA yesterday get basics like a couch I needed and sorely lacked, and now I have vented here.

It's also good because it makes it easier in explaining to my boss if I have practiced boiling it down to the essentials.

_________________
Once, I was a ranger
Then, I was a warlock
And a mage
And a paladin
Now, I seek to be myself

Condolences Katas, I was truly hoping it would work out better than that.

_________________
The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

Dude, seriously, one of you needs to find a new job...this passive aggressive stuff is going to escalate into one or both of you getting fired eventually. If I was one of ya'lls coworkers, I would most definitely be uncomfortable.
You two need a LOT of space between you...different workplaces and if you won't delete her from facebook, at least change your security settings to where she can't post on your wall.

_________________
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

+10

If you think your boss, or your boss's boss is going to side with you or her if **** hits the fan you are sorely mistaken. With any type of hostile work claim it's shoot both parties and be done with it to CYA.

_________________

Is it possible to just not interact with her at all at work? Not talk to her, not be around her, etc.?

This a quick and dirty sketch of the room we both work in.

On a physical level, there are two alternate routes that I can take to avoid passing by her desk where it doesn't get ridiculous.

On a professional level, we do tech support.

You can't figure out why your computer restarts when you open our software (for example), you call us.

You get neither of us. You get someone, though, and if that person can't figure it out, either, they escalate to her (or her peer).

She tries and if she can't figure it out, she escalates to one of 7 people.

I am one of 7 people to whom her escalations may go, depending on the topic.

Most likely, I'd say:

'Hello [name],

Thank you for the escalation!

Please take a look at [standard troubleshooting article], [my troubleshooting article], and [my article that says this is all because of outdated ATI Radeon 2400 drivers.]

Following any of these and getting to the point of updating graphics card drivers ought to fix the issue.

If you searched for but did not find these articles, please submit feedback via [another article] to help customers and your peers.

Thank you!

[Name]'

and e-mail their answer and paste it in the case notes.

I will ask for help from the others to handle her escalations but yeah, not much to be done to avoid interacting on a professional level when there's a monthly meeting which I run and which she is invited to other than 1) skip the evening meeting and have someone cover my stuff, which hurts the folks who go to the afternoon meeting, as I won't be there to answer their questions and 2) if someone from her area has a question and walks up to me, handle it at my desk rather than go to theirs to look at the issue.

_________________
Once, I was a ranger
Then, I was a warlock
And a mage
And a paladin
Now, I seek to be myself

Ugh. That sucks. I was thinking you guys were in separate departments, for some reason.

I guess the only advice I can give is to avoid her as much as possible, shut down any personal communication she attempts as quickly and professionally as possible, and don't let her drag it into professional interactions. Not sure it would work, or is feasible, but...yeah.

I talked to my manager, who - unsurprisingly - said to talk to HR, who said that I should be moved out of that room at the very least.

I am now in a closet for the present.

I will be closer to my team members when a desk opens up.

I don't know if anyone will take the old spot over from my team (only two others who could) or what the long term plan is.

Thanks for letting me vent.

_________________
Once, I was a ranger
Then, I was a warlock
And a mage
And a paladin
Now, I seek to be myself

You're in a closet, now?

Make sure you've got your Swingline stapler, and make sure you're still getting your paychecks. Get a couple of cans of gas. Be ready for them to put some boxes and **** in your new area.

_________________
Buckle your pants or they might fall down.

_________________
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

Katas became gay? Wow that is an awful ex...

_________________

So I am visiting my sister in Austin... and apparently, the ex called her and talked to her yesterday, and essentially got another:

"He's got every right to set boundaries with you... and you were airing crap in a public forum. That's not harassing? Really?"

Anyway, I just figured I'd drop a note since it's a minor development in the drama.

Other than that, it's been relatively quiet since they moved me at work out of the room she works in and close to where I will be long-term with my teammates.

_________________
Once, I was a ranger
Then, I was a warlock
And a mage
And a paladin
Now, I seek to be myself

Yesterday, I received an e-mail which stated:

Mr. <last name>,
I am going to be filling for divorce this week. I wanted to know who you wanted to serve you the papers. I will try to not serve you while you are at <work>.

Ms. <maiden name>

To which I replied:

Hello <first name>,

Thank you for taking care of that.

I trust you to choose a neutral party.

Thank you for trying to keep the matter outside of the workplace.

Tim

Today, at 12:20, I received a text from her:

<co-worker> is going to serve you, is there a place that you want to meet?

I responded:

Anywhere is fine… She could even come to the lab near my area

Which turned into:

Meet her by the back door

A few minutes later, I answered:

I am outside now

Sorry the back door by your office

… at which point I returned to my lab and met the co-worker, took the papers, and went to lunch.

This is not so much a 'I was served divorce papers by a co-worker whom was uncomfortable about the situation' as much as a 'here's what is new.'

She is seeking/offering 50% of the house (which she is living in) and 50% of the car (she is driving) as well as 50% of my car.

She is seeking support payments and 50% of my 401k/stocks and offering 50% of her retirement accounts.

Since an earlier understanding was to keep the retirement accounts out of it, and the support payments really are a shock, I am seeking legal advice.

Yay?

_________________
Once, I was a ranger
Then, I was a warlock
And a mage
And a paladin
Now, I seek to be myself

If only you lived somewhere with a reasonable bunch of people ...

I am sorry, Mr. Katas; you have my sympathy for your impending poverty.

_________________

That does seem ridiculous. Neither of you experienced a career interruption from the marriage, correct? If she's not on the hook for pussy payments, you should have no need to make any support payments.

_________________

This. Especially since she is the one initiating the divorce. Unless you physically or mentally abused her or committed adultery and she has proof, there is no reason for her to get support payments whatsoever.
Depending on how long the two of you have been married, though, she is probably entitled to half of everything as it's all considered community property within the marriage...if you can prove you bought something before the marriage, I'd imagine she wouldn't be entitled to half of that.
I'd suggest cutting off all further contact with her...ALL contact, and go lawyer up.

Sorry, Katas. *hugs*

_________________
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

send her a singing telegram with the name, phone number and address of your lawyer?

_________________
Darksiege
Traveller, Calé, Whisperer
Lead me not into temptation; for I know a shortcut

Good luck.

_________________
"Dress cops up as soldiers, give them military equipment, train them in military tactics, tell them they’re fighting a ‘war,’ and the consequences are predictable." —Radley Balko