The Glade 4.0

Ya wait your whole life to find the right person....force yourself to get a college degree and a spouse and get your act together before you have any more kids even though waiting several years was super tough because you wanted more kids soooooo bad....finally find the person you prayed for and make a lifetime commitment to the one, perfect person you've waited for and have your first and last wedding...and you do everything that you thought that God was asking you to do, even when it required life changes and huge sacrifices....

And after having 4 failed pregnancies, have it officially confirmed that you can't have babies because the two of you are genetically incompatible.

Ok, God, I don't get this one...did I sleep through the sermon on the Sunday that you explained that one? Is my bible missing a chapter or something?

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

*hug*

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Perhaps God's plan for you goes beyond natural childbirth. I'm not going to take the place of God and guess what that might be. Read through Job in your spare time.

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I prefer to think of them as "Fighting evil in another dimension"

Perhaps there is another child He needs you to care for.

I was adopted. And I'm fairly well adjusted too.

Just sayin'.

Kate,

I don't wish to offend because the pain and anguish and confusion you feel are natural and should be processed as long as needed.

And I don't have all the answers. Clearly.

However, if there is a plan to this, it may be adoption is the plan, and the frustrations and processing are to put you at the right mindset at the right time.

You are both very good and very loving people, from all that I have heard.

If your child does not have his eyes or your smile, his nose or your hair, or even either of your skin color, is it not still your child?

Would you not love it, defend it, praise it when right, correct it to walk in righteousness, and garb it in dreams and hopes?

Never limit your options as to whom you will call kin, for we are all brothers and sisters sharing one crazy and sometimes cruel world.

Heal, love, cry, laugh, pray, think.

We will all hope there is an answer and happiness for your family in the long term.

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Once, I was a ranger
Then, I was a warlock
And a mage
And a paladin
Now, I seek to be myself

For dudes, you guys are actually pretty good comforters. I see your wives/mothers have taught you well.
Thank you.

One of my church friends told me tonight about the adoptions that get requested at the crisis pregnancy center where she works...it sounds hopeful and affordable and an avenue we may perhaps be able to pursue at some point in the future.

It was nice to be given a little hope.

We still have a lot of grieving to do, but hopefully we'll get there. Thanks for listening and letting me rant.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

I hope I'm not out of place in pointing out that both of you already have brought children into your marriage. Perhaps this is simply an opportunity to place the ones you already have as your priority and the focus of your parenting and family?

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"Aaaah! Emotions are weird!" - Amdee
"... Mirrorshades prevent the forces of normalcy from realizing that one is crazed and possibly dangerous. They are the symbol of the sun-staring visionary, the biker, the rocker, the policeman, and similar outlaws." - Bruce Sterling, preface to Mirrorshades

Absolutely. I have no doubt that should be our highest priority, and I love mothering the child that I have and my step-children when I actually get to see them.
I am a woman who loves babies, however, and would love nothing more than to raise a child from birth to adulthood with my husband. With my step-children living 9 hours away in another state, my opportunities to love on them are limited and their absence around the home is definitely missed...

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

There are lots of wonderful children just waiting for you to adopt them and give them a loving home. I know that isn't the same as having children together, but it certainly is needed. I'm sorry for all your losses.

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"Hysterical children shrieking about right-wing anything need to go sit in the corner and be quiet while the adults are talking."

What they said. I'm very sorry that things didn't work the way you'd wanted, and for your losses.

My older brother and I are adopted, and we had the good fortune to have parents who never let us feel different or less important than their biological children. (We were told very young, so it wasn't a shock or mystery.)

I'm impressed by those who open their homes and hearts in this manner. But if it's not for you, it's ok too. You have to do what is right for your family.

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When he's underwater does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead?

Exactly my experience (my little brother was biological). Which is why I have a hard time understanding DE's comment above.

He didn't say it was worse, just that it wasn't the same.

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It's not the same as in, it's not the same parenting experience as having a pregnancy or birth together.

I adopted my oldest daughter when she was 12 and first met her when she was 9, but she is my wife's biological child. It was very, very different becoming her dad than my 2 younger daughters, but no worse, and now she is just my daughter, not my "adopted daughter" or anything like that.

You have to be ready for that if you're going to adopt. Obviously in our situation we weren't bringing her into the family as a completely outside child, but the same thing applied - I had to be prepared to think of her as my child, not anyone else's, not a stepchild or anything like that. You can't treat an adopted child as different whether you have biological children or not, even though the actual experience will be different in the way it comes about.

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"Hysterical children shrieking about right-wing anything need to go sit in the corner and be quiet while the adults are talking."

Adoption is a wonderful option...several of my cousins were adopted! You might also look into a surrogate if you want a newborn to raise. There are so many options open to you...and you do have your son and your stepchildren! My stepson is my son! Even though I didn't give birth to him, he is my son just as if I had!

/hugs

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"Said I never had much use for one, never said I didn't know how to use one!"~ Matthew Quigley

"nothing like a little meow in bed at night" ~ Bruskey

"I gotta float my stick same as you" Hondo Lane

"Fill your hand you son of a *****!"

My aunty was adopted and the whole family have gone that extra mile to ensure she never find out. (Her parents died during the chinese revolution)

It takes a special kind of love to have the commitment to lie to someone for life, and I actually really admired my grandfather for it. So while the DNA may be different, the love is the same...

That being said, adoption may not be the only path, although any path you now take would be somewhat expensive. Depending on the type of incompatibility you two have, have you discussed the possibility of IVF? In some cases, certain incompatibility could be eliminated during the normal processing of DNA. I'm not sure if this would be against your religion, but just putting it out there.

Does not compute.

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Ezekiel 23:19-20 

LadyKate, I can't fathom what it must be like for you and I won't even pretend to try. I am just going to state some facts about my own family that may or may not help.


My mother and her sister (not blood related) were adopted when they were infants. My grandparents, the ones who adopted them, were the most loving people I've ever known in my whole life. My grandfather in particular was the most kind, patient, and giving person I've ever known. I was closer to him than my own father. Hell, I was closer to him than anyone in my family. I can't imagine how it must have been for my mother, but I am sure the bond was even stronger.

The saddest day in my life was seeing him struggling for air and not being coherent the evening before he passed away.

These were two people who could not have children of their own, and so adopted. And because their hearts were so full, and because they wanted a child so badly (instead of all these parents nowadays who are surrounded by "annoying accidents"), their home was a happy one and their daughters never once felt like they were not their own.

Several years after both my grandparents passed away, my mother decided to hire an investigator and find her birth parents, if for anything just to meet them. I was curious as to the state of baldness of her birth father, as supposedly that's indicative of your own future hairline. She was able to find her mother, and even found out she has a full-blooded sister. It turned out that my mother was the first child of an unwedded union, and her grandmother forced them to give my mother up for adoption. Afterward, the couple did get married and had another daughter.

Her birth father had passed away at a young age, in his 40s (and I was told was bald as a cueball in his 20s... ugh... but I am still beating heredity so far!). And she found out her sister was diagnosed with cancer. But, her mother and her sister were ecstatic that she found them again and even flew out to meet us.

They were nice people, and I am glad my mother got to meet her sister before the cancer took her. But my mother has absolutely no doubts in her mind that her parents were not the people who had given her life. Her parents were the ones who offered their home and their love to her. And there is absolutely no shred of regret in her that she was adopted. If anything, I know for 100% certainty that she is extremely thankful for it. I know I certainly am too.

I may not be of his blood, but I love my grandfather so much that it hurts. And I miss him very much.

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Les Zombis et les Loups-Garous!

I think it's an Asian thing.. it's a different facet of the whole "saving face" and the "keeping of appearances" schtick

No. Selfishness is the only thing that gives birth to those sorts of lies, love has nothing to do with it. Love is honest and doesn't try to manipulate.

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Ezekiel 23:19-20 

Not always true Rynar. In this case her birth parents are dead, under horrific circumstances. What possible good could come from telling her the truth?

While I agree in some circumstances the truth beats protecting the one you love, in this instance, the truth will not set her free or give her more, but instead bound her to a sense of un-necessary loss.

I'm interested to see how you would find this current situation selfish? Telling her would not change the fact that she was adopted and loved. The only thing which would change would be her knowing her birth parents died under a horrible period in history, albit needlessly. Maybe there's something I'm not seeing here...

Lady Kate,
Don't give up hope. I know from experience
I have 2 daughters. one is 34 now and the other is 13. I try not to think about the number of miscarriages my lady went through.
we were told it couldn't happen, until 13 years ago and we had a specialist who promised a healthy baby. he delivered on that promise. that pregnancy was tough, but it also taught me the value of a good pharmacist and doctors that work together.
I have shared more details of this with only one other person on this board, if they choose to disclose, no foul just all things in context.
sometimes we have to run with the dice rolls and keep hoping we don't crap out.

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History of the Condom
In 1272, the Muslim Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

fwiw, Lydiaa, I agree with you...and I was adopted myself so I have a pretty relevant perspective. I think in that particular circumstance, your family is absolutely doing the right thing.
Numbuk, thanks for sharing that with me.
Thanks, Leshani. *hugs* I'm sorry for your losses and I'm glad you had a healthy baby eventually.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

Katie and NF,

Hugs, hugs, hugs. God, if I could just loan you my uterus, I would in a heartbeat. I know god has a path for you.

Anytime you need to have some good ole girl talk, let me know.

Love Kirra

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Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti

I would rather know a horrible, painful truth than believe a pleasant lie, but I'm known to be somewhat bent. I've been told a few ugly truths (though perhaps none so terrible as that), and I've never wished I could return to ignorance.
Again, I try to remember that I am not a standard-issue human being when it comes to such things.