The Glade 4.0

My mind has been on other things as of late, as some many know from seeing my most recent post in this forum. However, there's something that's pissing me off lately. I have a "friend" that has been bothering me. I really think a lot of this would be negated if Facebook didn't exist, but it does. This friend keeps talking to an ex of mine. This ex isn't someone recent, but it was my first love. I'm currently engaged, and completely happy. It has little to do with jealousy or anything like that. I wouldn't exchange my fiancée for anyone. However, I find it a little insensitive for him to push so hard at this girl. Since it's all posted on Facebook, it's right in front of my face. Sure, it's my fault for being friends with the two of them on Facebook, but I always thought it was bad ethics to try and get with a friend's ex; it's especially unethical to try and get with an person who your friend was serious with at one point. Part of it probably has to do with the fact that this "friend" is a serious loser. He's a friend, mostly due to the length of time I've known him; however, he's a horses ***. He's so full of himself it's ridiculous, and he has nothing good to offer a female.

Am I wrong to feel the way I do about this guy? It's like he's stalking her on Facebook. He's well aware of the fact that she was my first love. I guess I just can't believe a "friend" would be so ignorant to even attempt such a thing. Again, I'm 100% happy with my fiancée. It just doesn't change the indecency of trying to get with a first love of a long time friend. Am I wrong here?

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Meh. I kind of feel like once you're engaged, the whole "ex" thing doesn't really matter anymore.

What if they are soul mates, and you're wishing them apart? I don't know, I see what you mean, but you're not being the best friend either.

Furthermore, it doesn't seem like you have a whole lot of respect for this guy, so I'd have to propose you guys aren't really good friends.

We aren't good friends. He's a friend who's been there for me at times, but been a completely selfish a$$ other times. We just have a long history of being friends. If I didn't know him, I'd classify him as a complete jackass.

I agree, the whole "ex" thing has definitely been the last thing on my mind since meeting my fiancee. It more has to do with the way I think about this friend of mine. It just seems discourteous. Oh well, I already vented. I'm over it.

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You have a few choices here:

1. Continue torturing yourself by trying to be a good friend to both of them.
2. De-friend both of them and move on.
3. Think of it as a train wreck you can't stop watching.
4. Tell her he's a buffoon who's just trying to score and will move on as soon as he does.
5. Tell her he is an abusive schmuck and let her make her own decision.
6. Kill him and bury his body somewhere it will never be found.
7. Out him, better yet, create a new FB identity and have them out him and whine about why he doesn't call him anymore. Do not do this on your own computer or with any ID that can be linked to you. That is what Libraries are for.
8. Shine it on, figure they are both adults and can make their own decisions.

Oh, and that whole first love thing, did you ever have such an agreement with him in the first place? You are pushing your view of the way things should be on him and he may not even be aware that what he is doing offends your personal sense of how the world should be. From what you say, he doesn't belong at the Round Table anyway.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

He's well aware of my view, which is why it's discorteous. I think I'm going to go with solution number 2.

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Just let it go. It's not worth the stress.

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"It's real, grew up in trife life, the times of white lines
The hype vice, murderous nighttimes and knife fights invite crimes" - Nasir Jones

You're taking "bros before hos" a little too far.

Your ex-girlfriends don't eternally remain off-limits to every man who's ever been your friend. You're engaged to some gal now. You don't have any more claim to the other women you've dated.

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Buckle your pants or they might fall down.

Yes. You are wrong here.

This friend of yours owes you nothing other than to not pursue the woman with whom you are currently in a relationship, and you have no real right to try to limit your ex's dating options. If you're bothered by it then it's up to you to handle your own emotional response; it's not up to them to change their actions for your comfort.

In all fairness to Roophus, I've come across the cultural phenomenon he's relating to in the past. The general rule is your friend's ex- is permanently off limits unless you die, get married, or move so far away the awkwardness of your ex and your good friend is no longer a factor for you.

Chauvinistic? No, not really, the girls have a version of it too. What this does is create a situation where girlfriends and boyfriends are not passed around in the same little circle. It creates a need to widen the dating circle to include new people.

The tradition has been around for a long time, I have no clue what it is called or where it started. I'm sure there are local variants with slightly different rulesets.

The problem is, like Blockbuster, it is no longer a valid business model. The internet has removed the distance factor, especially with FB and other social networking systems. You aren't as likely to be removed from the scene in any other manner than marriage, and that has become much less frequent than it used to be.

I'm sorry it disturbs you Roophus, but the fact it does means you have some unresolved issues with one or both of them. Since you are happy with your fiancee and planning on getting married, you need to move on. Go talk to someone and work out what you need to do to let go.

As usual, Taamar gives sound advice.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

*shrug* I think it's just my own morals extending out to my expectations of others. Can he date her? I have no problem with it. Is it right? Not really. I confided in him years ago when I was going through hard times because of this very girl. For him to go after her now, it's like I know his intentions he had the entire time we were talking about things. It's just a disappointment that someone I had hopes for as being a true friend, despite blowing it numerous opportunities, would make it so painfully obvious of his intentions on Facebook in such a manner. This female could be someone else for all I care. It has nothing to do with the girl. It's just the principle, which I disagree with personally. If I were to become single again, and I pursued my friend's ex (one he had a long history with), I'd deserve to lose his friendship.

Feel free to disagree, or say it's not wrong. It's just my own personal morals, and way of thinking. I know there's a code among most circles of guy friends. You don't pursue an ex. Period. First of all, it's just weird to be among friends who've tapped the same piece. Secondly, it's not exactly cool to have this ex brought back into your life via this friend. Those two things alone should be enough to convince a friend to not do it. Out of respect to me, please don't; pick another fish man. Out of all of the fish in the sea, especially in the Facebook era, you chose one of the past 4 females I've been with? It almost seems intentional when you think about it like that. Maybe I'm just crazy to have expectations of friends to not bang my past ex's. It's not exactly a tall order. Two of them have kids, and one lives on the other side of the country. Realistically, this is the only available ex that's around, and he chooses her.

I'm simply going to choose to discontinue hanging out with the guy. I'd prefer to keep ex's in the past. If he's going to go digging through the scraps, it tells me enough about him as an individual. I know for a fact he's attracted to my fiancee as well. Until now, I really didn't care. I'm not concerned that anything would happen, but it makes me wonder how long it'll be before he tries to spit some game at her too. Again, just because there's no chance of it happening doesn't mean I should be keeping this type of person as a friend. He's the type of guy that will pursue a female at ALL costs. That's just how he is. I don't need this kind of person having any kind of impact on my life. My other friends, who are also friends with this guy, always joke about how low this guy is. He like a catfish in terms of his desire for women. He takes the lowest road possible, always. It's always been like a running joke to our circle of friends.

I'm just going to let fate run its course with this. Like I said, I'm not going to tell him who he can date. I can, however, have expectations for him. He failed to live up to those expectations. Life goes on.

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Dropping him because he's an *** is a valid choice.

Here's where I'm coming from: My best friend (Laura) is married to Dan. Dan's best friend Pete is married to Dan's first love, Cate. All six of us get together on weekends and hang out. There's no awkwardness, and no feeling that Pete transgressed somehow, nor does Laura have any particular problem hanging out with her husband's first love. No one really cares, even when she brings up stories about when they were dating. Grown ups can handle such things.



So you'd totally dump your fiance if one of your buddies said 'Oh, wow, that's my ex. I didn't realize.'? And doesn't the girl have any say in it, or do you get to control her options forever?

There wouldn't be an awkwardness if they were to be a serious couple, but I happen to know this friend of mine like the back of my hand. He's an egotistical a** who brings no good to any situation.

No, I wouldn't dump my fiancee. If someone happens to be dating an ex of mine, and they didn't know, I have zero problem. I hope things work out for them. To intentionally pursue an ex, with full knowledge of our history, that's where I have a problem. I'd have a lot less of a problem if the guy wasn't the person I speak of. Also, I'm not controlling anyone. I'm not saying he can't. I'm saying that if he does, I'm not going to approve. There's no point where I'm saying "you can't." It's very similar to how I approach my fiancee when it comes to her doing things I don't care for. For example, she wants to get a tattoo. I explain to her my view on the matter, but tell her she can do as she pleases. I'm not going to tell her she can't do something she wants to do. Will I approve? No. That's not going to change. Will I hold it against her? No. I just make my case and that's the end of that.

The entire concept of dating an ex of your friend is centered around an egocentric thought process. That's not a thought process that creates strong friendships. Regardless of whether or not the thought process is related to dating an ex, or whether it's just the friend thinking of himself when it comes to what to do for the evening. Egocentric thoughts don't breed positive relationships. That's all. The lack of concern for the feelings, opinions, and attitudes of others is egocentric. How is that a good thing? "I didn't know you felt that way. How am I supposed to know that?" That's not a good approach to take when it comes to friends. There's a simple answer: ask!

You should always be concerned with the feelings and opinions on matters, especially matters which you know indirectly involve them. I don't know how anyone on this planet wouldn't, at least once, think about how this person they're pursuing is the ex; maybe, it'd be a good idea to at least find out his opinion on the subject, out of respect for him. It would show concern for your friend, over a person you don't really even know yet. I fail to see how that's such a ridiculous expectation.

For the sake of further example, let's use this case. You and a friend go out to a movie together. Your friend arrived at the movie theater a little early. You're not running behind, but the friend is already there. Upon arrival, you see the friend already went ahead and bought two tickets for a movie he never even discussed with you. Despite you explaining what you'd be interested in, he chose a different one without even bothering to ask for your opinion. Is that a good friend? Is that not the same egocentric pattern displayed above? He made a choice in his own interest, without even taking your opinion into consideration. Now, imagine a person doing this all of the time. This is that friend. Again, I use the term "friend" very lightly.

I think it's clear to see this is much less about the ex and more about the friend. If this were about a different ex that I absolutely hated, it'd still be the same mentality. I still don't think this egocentric approach to life helps generate positivity. Being well aware of this guys self-centered nature, I'm not exactly surprised. I just have hopes that people will do the right thing. Sometimes that doesn't happen, and I come here and vent.

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Dating your friend's ex isn't exactly a wonderful thing to do. It does create that rift where he always wonders how long you were sitting there eying her, and if you sabotaged anything to get your hands on her. Competition over a girl has ruined many friendships, and the way we deal with that is to not go after our friends' female companions. It's ruined so many friendships, in fact, that some religions have codified, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife," as a commandment.

It isn't that there's no validity to Roophus' position. What he's doing is making it out to be more important than it is. This isn't some code of honor between all men. You are not forbidden from making advances toward a woman simply because one of your friends at one point dated her. You don't go and have sex with her right after they split, that's a jerkwad move, but that also isn't what's going on. You've at least dated some other girl long enough to decide you want to get married. After that much time, your ex-girlfriend is fair game. If you have a problem with that, then perhaps the two of you aren't "finished" like you thought, and if that's the case, you might want to reconsider whether you're ready to get married.

Unless, of course, we're talking crazy ex-girlfriend. Like, if you're worried that one of your friends might bring her as a date to your wedding, and she ends up stabbing you in the leg with a steak knife. Your friends are supposed to leave them alone indefinitely, but that's not out of respect for you so much as concern for everyone's physical well-being.

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Buckle your pants or they might fall down.

I just feel it goes back to thinking of others before yourself. I try my best to apply that philosophy to all of my personal relationships in life. I expect others to do the same for me, if they're going to be a friend, simply put. He's not a bad friend, as the thread is titled, because he's trying to get an with ex. He's a bad friend because he doesn't even bother to wonder what my thoughts are on the matter. No matter what the subject, that's not what a good friend does. A good friend always concerns themselves with the thoughts and opinions of their friends. Constantly making choices without taking your friends thoughts into consideration is selfish. Naivety isn't an excuse for being a selfish jerk. Of course, I wouldn't base this judgement about him solely off of this situation. It'd take a lot more than just dating an ex for me to formulate this opinion.

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Roophus, I understand your feelings, but I also have to think theres an "expiration date" on the whole "don't date someone's ex". That said, a friend would give you a heads up and ask for clearance, because they would know how you felt about the situation. This guy seems like a waste of your time.

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"Dress cops up as soldiers, give them military equipment, train them in military tactics, tell them they’re fighting a ‘war,’ and the consequences are predictable." —Radley Balko

If he asked, I'd tell him to go right ahead. The problem isn't really about whether he can see her or not. That's the result of the problem.

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Sounds like the issue isn't so much the situation, but the guy and how he approached it.

If you dislike the guy so much, why do you still consider him a friend or do things with him. Find something better to do with your time. He'll either fade into the past or will eventually get the clue and perhaps become someone worth hanging out with.

I guess I don't consider him a friend any longer, and this was the last straw. Unfortunately, he has a way of being in my life due to the other people he's friends with. My friends are his friend, even though many of them feel the same way about the guy, they still continue to hang out with him.

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Perhaps he's not the only friend you need to reconsider your relationship with then.

I'm not going to abandon long, strong relationships with other friends just because they occasionally hang out with this guy. They are nothing like him. I understand the importance of mixing with the right crowd, but this is just one guy. It's not like the rest of my friends that know him are anything like him. I suppose I'll simply have to avoid times when I know this guy will be around. I really should have made this move a long time ago, to be honest.

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