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Dr. Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?
Dr. Rumack: Can you fly this plane and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Dr. Rumack: I am serious … and don't call me Shirley!
Dr. Rumack: I won't deceive you, Mr. Striker. We're running out of time.
Ted Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Dr. Rumack: I'm doing everything I can. … And stop calling me Shirley!
Lt. Frank Drebin: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane: Goodyear?
Frank: No, the worst.
Lt. Frank Drebin: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Just think: Next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.
Commissioner Brumford (into phone): Hello? … He did what? … How many animals escaped? … Oh, my God …
Drebin: Good evening, commissioner. You're looking lovely tonight.
Brumford: Do you realize that because of you, this city is being overrun by baboons?
Drebin: Well, isn't that the fault of the voters?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before. Birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.
Lt. Frank Drebin: That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.
Captain Ed Hocken: Sex, Frank?
Frank: Uh, no, not right now, Ed.
Lt. Frank Drebin: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!
(Music stops playing. Everyone stops talking and stares at him)
Frank: (to everybody) I mean, at the time, I was dating a lot.
Dr. Rumack: You'd better tell the captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Dr. Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye. It's just I won't ever see you again.
Lt. Frank Drebin: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.
Lt. Frank Drebin: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!
Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous.
Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.
Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
Frank: I used to have that problem.
Jane: What did you do about it?
Frank: I just think about baseball.
[Jane climbs a ladder]
Frank: Nice beaver!
Jane: [producing a stuffed beaver] Thank you. I just had it stuffed.
Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!
Ed: He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.
Frank: Well, uh …
[while Jane is erotically sucking his finger]
Frank: I've got nine more.
Dr. Mainheimer: It's a terrible thing that's happened here, Lieutenant. I do hope you will find the people responsible.
Drebin: I'm sorry I can't be more optimistic, Doctor, but we've got a long road ahead of us. It's like having sex. It's a painstaking and arduous task that seems to go on and on forever, and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens.
Commissioner Brumford: Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce a most special American. Tonight, he is being honored for his 1000th drug dealer killed.
Drebin: [to applause] Thank you. But, in all honesty, the last three I backed over with my car. Luckily, they turned out to be drug dealers.
Mayor: Now Drebin, I don't want any trouble like you had on the South Side last year, that's my policy.
Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos, dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that's my policy!
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of "Julius Caesar," you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!
Lt. Frank Drebin: Miss, I'm Lt. Frank Drebin, and this is Captain Ed Hocken, Police Squad.
Attractive female shop assistant: Is this some kind of bust?
Drebin: Well … it's very impressive, yes, but we need to ask you a few questions.
Hapsburg: Do you gamble?
Drebin: Every time I order out.
Frank: Interesting … almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.
Jane: I was young! I needed the work!
Frank: It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!
Vincent Ludwig: Drebin!
Jane: Frank!
Frank: You're both right.
_________________ Quote: In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. - George Carlin
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Oh yeah! Had a friend quote it to me in high school all the time back in the day...I quoted it to my kid so much he wanted to see it and its his favorite movie.