The Glade 4.0

Life, when you're young, seems so solid...so bullet proof...but as years go by, the incredibly fragile nature of it is revealed.

My 85 year old mother fell and broke her back last Thursday and is now in a hospital. How many times have I fallen? Too many to count, but apparently, there's always one more fall...right up to the time that there isn't.

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In time, this too shall pass.

Oh Tas . I'm so sorry, I will pray for her recovery. Falls in the elderly are such a common and devastating thing.

Hugs

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Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti

Alright, who stepped on a crack???

Sorry about your mother, Taskiss. I hope she is not in too much pain.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

Sorry about your mother, Taskiss. I hope she recovers fully =)

Couldn't agree more man. I've been trying to slow down and appreciate those around me. Hope she recovers buddy!

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Hokanu
Duty is a magnificent blessing because it is the sign of trust from the universe.
END OF LINE.

Good luck, friend. My mom is 77, and getting increasingly less steady on her feet. The reminder is appreciated.

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This cold and dark tormented hell
Is all I`ll ever know
So when you get to heaven
May the devil be the judge

Praying for your mother, Taskiss. I hope you and yours are OK.

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Ezekiel 23:19-20 

My mother is 82. she has fallen recently, luckily she was only bruised and sore. This is one of those aspects of life we have no control over, no way to protect our parents, from themselves.

Wishing your mother a speedy recovery Taskiss.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

My thoughts are with your mother for a speedy recovery Taskiss. Falling at our age is bad enough...at her age it can be very bad! May she recover swiftly!!

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"Said I never had much use for one, never said I didn't know how to use one!"~ Matthew Quigley

"nothing like a little meow in bed at night" ~ Bruskey

"I gotta float my stick same as you" Hondo Lane

"Fill your hand you son of a *****!"

Thanks all...

She won't do therapy, she won't eat and she keeps wanting to go home, even though she has no answer when asked how she can take care of herself.

... which leads her to try using guilt trips to get us to take her home. Arg!

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In time, this too shall pass.

Awww!
Can't someone stay with her at home?

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

Sorry to hear all of this Taskiss. Hope all goes better for you.

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Darksiege
Traveller, Calé, Whisperer
Lead me not into temptation; for I know a shortcut

I've invited her to stay with me when she's strong enough to get around, but she insists that she's going to go to her house. I argue that I don't want her to be alone, but she tells me that my father's there with her.

My father died 2 years ago. It's not that she doesn't know that, she does, but she insisted just today that she feels him there...this coming from the woman who spent most of the 2 years since my father's death continuing the constant petty bickering she and he shared. I'd tell her "Mom, you won the argument - you got the last word in"! but she'd still go on and on...

It'll be a while before she's strong enough to get out of the therapy center she's in though, so we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

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In time, this too shall pass.

*hugs*

You have my empathy. I have been through this four times (My grandmother, mother, father, and my son's father's godmother) It is very draining and often frustrating.

If dementia is possible, read The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People with Alzheimer Disease, Other Dementias, and Memory Loss in Later Life.

Be aware that major surgery really hurts memory and cognitive function for at least 3 to 6 months. To give an example, my father slipped on ice and broke his leg. He had it surgically repaired. A week after surgery, I sat down with him and we paid his bills. I made him write a line in his checkbook that he and I paid his bills. A month later he was upset that 'someone messed with' his account, until I had him read what he wrote. He never had memory problems before.

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Memento Vivere

I have local knowledge.
That sandbar was not there yesterday!

It's just draining, visiting her and trying to use reason when disagreeing with her about her future.

She wants out now, and wants to be taken home.

She can barely sit up in bed. I mean, sheesh! I'd be glad to bring her to my home when she's stronger, but if she can't get out of bed, what happens at 2:00 AM when she needs to get up and pee? I'm not adverse to caring for her, but with work and all, I'll be asleep at 2:00, so she'll have to either lay in it or ... lay in it.

I don't see any options. She's got to get better ... got to be able to get up and down, bathe herself, etc, before she can be on her own. That logic makes no impression on her though, she's still "I want to go home" all the time.

This evening was better better though, much better than this morning. The hour it takes me to drive to where she is has gotten so old, but if she improves a bit more, I'll be OK with not seeing her so much.

I just don't want her to be alone.

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In time, this too shall pass.

You should look into the possibility of in home nursing care. You should also examine your mother's current insurance portfolio and see if it has any long term care options.

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Ezekiel 23:19-20 

Rynar is giving some good advise. Meeting your mother's wishes might be the worst thing for her right now.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

Long rant incoming! You've been warned...

Well, things have been interesting...

She got out of the hospital and went to a therapy facility for a couple of weeks. The point of therapy is to teach folks how to deal with the circumstances one finds oneself in after an injury... and if you're 85 and you blow off what they're trying to teach you then they discharge you. She's not the most willing participant when it comes to stuff like that.

She spent a week at my sisters house after that... which caused me to get in a pretty wicked argument with my sister. My mom had asked me if she could come to my house when she got out of the hospital and I had agreed, but when she got out of the therapy center she went to my sisters house. My sister Robbie has MS and can barely get around herself, and she lives an hour from the nearest hospital and two hours away from me. I'm 5 miles from a great hospital, have plenty of room and someone can be here 24 hours a day. To me it was a no-brainer that she'd come here and I felt it was a really poor decision on both my mom's part and my sisters. Unfortunately, my sister Robbie called me the day my mom got out of therapy complaining at great lengths that I wasn't backing her (Robbie) up because I wasn't driving out to her house to move a freaking model doll house she wanted moved 'cause it was in the way and I finally took her complaining as license to voice my own opinion on the subject.

We won't be talking again, not in this lifetime. It got ugly. The reason will come out further in this post.

So, after a week at my sisters house, my mom went home last Friday. She called me, we talked, yada yada. Then the winter storm began to hit....

I called her last Sunday (two days after she got home) and asked her to come stay with me for a bit so she wasn't alone during the storm. She agreed and I went to pick her up. She looked terrible. She can't hardly walk... it's just really bad. She was better the last day in the therapy center than she was Sunday. I have NO idea how my sister could have dropped her off at her house and walked away from her in the condition she was in. Oh well, such is life, let's just take it from there...

She's been with me a week now, and she's fallen twice, the last time was just a couple of hours ago. She's supposed to use a walker but she doesn't, and we've argued when I remind her when she doesn't, she gets all bent out of shape and does the whole "you're not the boss of me... I'm just fine" thing. She changes her tune when I have to pick her up off the floor, cradling her like a baby, and put her in bed. There's nothing that's wrenched my heart so much as seeing her laying on the floor, helpless.

So, I call my other sister Debbie (who also has MS) and tell her that I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow and do whatever he feels is best, and if that's to put her in a home, then by damn that's what I'll do - or else. The "or else" amounts to washing my hands of the whole deal. My mom's got a million dollars in the bank but she tells the doctor she's on a fixed income and can't afford any additional medication. She talks like she's destitute. I'd be OK with her staying in her own home if she had 24 hour care, but she won't pay for that.

Debbie agrees with me and calls Robbie, and it comes out that Robbie told her the same thing she told me - that if mom wants to go home to die then that's where she should go. We should drive by a couple of times a week (in shifts) and that was her solution. That was the same story that Robbie gave me when we argued and I'm so totally opposed to that as a solution that I can't see straight.

There's no way in hell I'm going to call or go by my moms house if she lives there in the condition she's in now. I'm an hour away and if I call and she doesn't answer, what am I supposed to do? Drive over there and see if she's dead? Driving by a couple of times a week presents the same problem... if she doesn't answer the door, what? I'm supposed to consider this some sort of roulette game, roll the dice, see if the old lady is alive or dead? Consider it a Schrodinger's cat deal and consider that while she's in the box that she's both alive and dead at the same time 'till I collapse the equation by peeking? Bullshit!

Robbie is too close to the same situation now to have a decent perspective. She sees herself in nearly the same position and she wants to live at home 'till the bitter end, and I can understand that. Thing is, I can even support her decision. I don't feel any overt amount of obligation to my sister that would lead me to argue with her about her decision, but my mom... the woman who bore me and wiped my *** for the first 18 years of my life... I feel an obligation to her and if I can't fulfill that obligation to the best of my ability, then I'm being negligent.

What's funny is, Robbie would be the first to complain if a story was on the news about how a hospital just dumped a patient at home to die, but she's willing to just dump my mom there.

I swear...

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In time, this too shall pass.

You are going to find yourself in a legal quagmire soon unless you take preventative steps. You need tohave your mother give you Power of Attourney, and then place her assets into a trust. I see this exact same debacle atleast once every three weeks and it never ends well unless the steps I have suggested are taken.

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Ezekiel 23:19-20 

Backing up Rynar because its the only advice I have for the legal end.

Then, put her in a good nursing home near you and let them do what they can to make her life comfortable. Then swing by 2-3 times a week and tell Debbie what you've done after the fact. Robbie can go to blazes.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

I'd agree up til the point of "swinging by 2-3 times a week" part. If you put her in a nursing home, be prepared to make a visit daily. I don't care how much the place states or presents it's caring for the person, most I've seen do not live up nearly enough. If you put your parent in one, much like a hospital stay, have someone check on them daily. Don't leave it up to the hands of a stranger.

It's a cruel part of life, and I'm sorry you appear to be at that point. Wish you the best with this tough decision.

Side note- Not a legal person, but along Rynar's post, now's the time to get that stuff taken care of. If your mother has that much money, at the very least, you will have a battle from your siblings. I've yet to see many families that don't have fights over such......money will bring out the worst even in family.

Problem with that idea is that Robbie, being the eldest, has had power of attorney for 15 years now, and I don't see mom changing that.

My mom and I had a long talk and the decision is, I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow, fill him in on all that's gone on, and let everybody know about what the doctor has to say. Then ... well, I don't know what then, but at least we'll have a medical opinion to throw in the mix. When mom was at the doctors 2 days ago he told her that she needs 24 hr. care, so I don't see him saying anything I don't agree with, just a matter of where she's going to spend her time and how much it's going to cost, and I really don't care about that either, just as long as someone's there for her.

You know, these are one of "those" things... like so many issues in this world, my opinion depends on the circumstances. There's no "one size fits all" solution we can shoehorn this into. Should people have the right to decide how they're going to live, what kind of care they receive, how they spend their last days? ****!

Should my mom decide to live at home, let a fall break a hip and spend the rest of her days moaning, wasting away in the hospital?

Not if I have anything to say about it. Oh, I'll not kidnap her or keep her against her will, but I'll have no part of it. If she goes away to die, no matter what the technique she decides to use, then from that moment on, she's already dead to me. Or, at least, at this moment, that's my story.

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In time, this too shall pass.

By the way, my mother is 82, falls occasionally, has already had hip replacement, and hides everything she can from my sister who lives a block away from her. I don't know who has her power of attorney, if anyone. I should find out.

Edit: My sister does, good for her.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

Taskiss, that's a horrible situation for everyone involved.
If it were me, I would try and convince my mother to pay for round-the-clock care. I understand about wanting to put her in a home to "keep her safe" but if your mother is as determined as it sounds like she is, don't be surprised if that breaks her spirits and she deteriorates rapidly. My grandmother was like that and the past few years, despite several surgeries and cancers, got by on sheer will alone. Once her sister died and her daughter died (my mother) she went down hill rapidly and passed away less than 6 months after my mother.
Having seen this similar situation in my own family, I sort of side with your sister on this one....except for the part where you drive 2 hours several times a week to check on her. You'll have to get someone else to do that. With my grandmother, (who refused to live in a home or have in-home care) we had a very loving neighbor who checked on her everyday for us.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

Rynar is right.

It may come down to that you do not have the right to place your mother. People who are competent have the right to make stupid (and even personally dangerous) decisions. If your mother is not competent, she can not change the Power of Attorney, and your sister Robbie has control.

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Memento Vivere

I have local knowledge.
That sandbar was not there yesterday!