The Glade 4.0

Phhewww...I'm really not even sure where to start on this one.

Some of you might be aware that I've been grappling with depression for a very long time, now. Too long. By the time I was 18, I was experiencing what I now realize was major depression. I've a history of minor depression/dysthymia going back even further than that. In the last 5 years, and particularly in the last 12 months, it has compounded into an extreme depression that I don't even really know how to convey. I had a significant ... breakdown a few months ago that I still can't fully explain or understand.

All I know is that ever since, I've a feeling like I'm coming apart at the seams. I've just been going through the motions ever since; just barely holding it together for the sake of I don't know what. For the sake of others, I guess. And because I still fear death. But lately I've begun to question the limits of my endurance. I've always been amazed at how there seem to be no limits. Whenever I've felt like I can't possibly feel any worse and that I can't bear any more, I've discovered that not only can I feel worse, I will feel worse, and that in spite of everything, I'll just take it all on and keep shambling through this miserable existence. But I'm not so sure, anymore. I've had to put down some impulses to hurt myself lately that were just a little too real and required just a little too much effort to dismiss. It's not that I was actually going to, but I can see how I could if the scales tipped just a little further.

I don't really talk about this. Even with my therapist, my parents, I've pulled my punches just a little bit. Padded the truth. This isn't the kind of thing you want to inflict on other people. And really, what do you say? There's not a good way to tell someone who loves you, "I was standing in the breakfast room the morning, and a wave of despair came over me such that I was nearly overwhelmed by the sudden urge to pick up a chair and throw it full-force through the window". I don't think Hallmark makes a card for that.

That's all a bit more than I meant to say, and I'm sure you're wondering what this has to do with the title.

Long story short, I have some appointments set up, the first on this Tuesday, for a series of SPECT (single photon emission computed tomography) scans. Pretty much they're going to shoot radioactive metal into my blood and see what happens. It's kind of like an FMRI ... only with gamma rays coming from inside my brain.

Ok, so that's laying it on a little thick, but that is the basic idea. From this baseline (non-medicated) scan, we'll hopefully be able to tell whether anything they prescribe, you know ... actually does anything. I'm not actually worried about the procedure or even the radiation. What does concern me is whether or not any of this is actually going to help. The usefulness in the context of actual treatment is somewhat controversial, and honestly I'm not totally sold on it myself. But I don't know what else to do. I'm running out of options. I could rattle off a couple dozen medications I've been on over the years, and perhaps a couple of those have provided at most a minor benefit. As I told my therapist, minor isn't going to cut it. A minor improvement over depression turned up to 11 is no way to live. I'm sorry, but that's just the plain, ugly truth that no one wants to hear.

If this doesn't work, the only thing left are the really insane treatment options, like ECT. You know that guy from Memento? Granted, that hardly ever happens but yeah, that could be me. And then there's tripping balls. Seriously.

So, there's that.

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Sail forth! steer for the deep waters only!
Reckless, O soul, exploring, I with thee, and thou with me;
For we are bound where mariner has not yet dared to go,
And we will risk the ship, ourselves and all.

Well I hope they find something that helps you. I cannot imagine what it is like to deal with that everyday. Stay strong and I would advise sharing with your therapist and parents. It may be hard for them as well as you to share it, but it would be even harder if you did something to yourself . The more they know the more they can try to help. It may seem like no one wants to hear it but they really do, and having that support can help you. You have my best wishes and hope for you to make it through this and please if you ever need anything let us know so we can help if we can.

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I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil

Dude you're cool so don't be down. Go turn your brain into the Hulk and see what pills help with your Bruce / green guy balance.

*hugs*

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"...but there exists also in the human heart a depraved taste for equality, which impels the weak to attempt to lower the powerful to their own level and reduces men to prefer equality in slavery to inequality with freedom." - De Tocqueville

Stathol, I can relate in more ways than you probably care to know. PM me if you'd like to talk about it.
Otherwise, comfort yourself in the knowledge that you're not alone and sometimes it's the *seeking* a cure/treatment/whatever that keeps you going more than the actual result.
Find one thing that makes you feel real, and stick with it...living in the shadows and fog is no picnic and I hope that you are able to find some success and some answers. *hugs*

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

Sounds like an origin story coming up, will Stathol become a hero or a villain? Where will he find monomolecular spandex.

Keep us posted my friend, teasing aside I only wish you the best here.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

People don't talk about it, but stress abd ennui are not uncommon; the desire to hide or spontaneously cry, or smash stuff.

The unremitting nature of it sounds awful, but you might find openness with your therapist could help lift some of the weight.

Hope the treatments help, dude ;( fear of the future is a killer, but some hope can work wonders x

Agreed on both counts. I wouldn't presume to know what you are going through personally but you aren't alone Stat.

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I hope you're able to find something that works for you.

Stathol, I'll add that I too hope you find something that works for you. And I'll also add that you really do need to tell your therapist everything that you are thinking and feeling. Otherwise you can't expect them to get you to the right treatment that's gonna get you the best outcome possible.

I've been through this with a good friend before. It took him far longer to get better than it could have because he didn't feel that he mattered enough to say that his current meds weren't working right...despite being a nurse who knew how important talking to your doc is. So in effect, he wound up being treated for how he was "then", but not how he was "at this moment".

That 's the tricky part in all this, Stathol. You're the one in the driver seat here. Decide whether you are worth the effort it will take to get better. Then do what you gotta do.

I can tell you this much, Stathol: I don't think I'm alone in saying that there are a lot of people here on the Glade who think you're worth it and more. Stick around, man!

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Women are from Hoboken, men are from Trenton. ~ Jimmy Kimmel

First : Hang in there. You are a worthwhile person, and we care here.

Second: At least let your therapist know what is happening. No one I know actually read minds.

Third: You need a good therapist who can help you deal with your problems. Not everyone who is a good therapist is the RIGHT therapist for YOU.

Fourth: You need a good psychiatrist who understands the biochemistry of each of the antidepressants. (This person may or may not be your therapist. Just remember that these are two different roles.) Each antidepressant acts differently. Sufficient doses must be used for sufficient time. Many times I have seen people who were on an antidepressant at a very low dose, or only for a few days to a couple of weeks. This tells you nothing about whether the medicine actually works or not. Antidepressant are slow to act (taking three to four weeks at a minimum). On average, only 70% of people treated with an antidepressant respond to any one medicine. Also they are finding that many people need to be on 2 to 3 medications to get adequate control of their depression.

Five: You need to get at least 30 minute of aerobic exercise every day. At a minimum go for a brisk walk. This is a power antidepressant in and of itself.

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Memento Vivere

I have local knowledge.
That sandbar was not there yesterday!

Hang in there d00d!

Seeking treatment is definitely the right thing to do. I can't fully sympathize with you, but I have had similar lows. A little introspection, some time off from work and a career shift were what it took to help me move past the low spots.

Every life is a life worth living. Remember that. You are not worthless. We're always here for venting as needed.

/brohugs

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This must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of Thursdays.

hope all goes well for you stathol

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Darksiege
Traveller, Calé, Whisperer
Lead me not into temptation; for I know a shortcut

God be with you!

I understand, Stathol... Hugs

Thinking of you

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Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti

Please be well Stathol! My thoughts are with you! Hang in there, life is worth living!

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"Said I never had much use for one, never said I didn't know how to use one!"~ Matthew Quigley

"nothing like a little meow in bed at night" ~ Bruskey

"I gotta float my stick same as you" Hondo Lane

"Fill your hand you son of a *****!"

Thanks, everyone. I'll make a more detailed response later on and try to clarify a few things. I've got the first scan at 10:30, and right now I'm about to leave for work.

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Sail forth! steer for the deep waters only!
Reckless, O soul, exploring, I with thee, and thou with me;
For we are bound where mariner has not yet dared to go,
And we will risk the ship, ourselves and all.

Good luck. If you end up with a mutant power, I hope it's a good one.

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See, now you've doomed him. Stathol, I'm sorry in advance for your impending Jubilee powers.

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"Aaaah! Emotions are weird!" - Amdee
"... Mirrorshades prevent the forces of normalcy from realizing that one is crazed and possibly dangerous. They are the symbol of the sun-staring visionary, the biker, the rocker, the policeman, and similar outlaws." - Bruce Sterling, preface to Mirrorshades

Stathol already sparkles.

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Stathol is a vampire?

Are you implying he sucks? That's terribly inconsiderate given the tone of the thread.

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Good luck and best wishes, man.

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This cold and dark tormented hell
Is all I`ll ever know
So when you get to heaven
May the devil be the judge

You are in my prayer, Stathol. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, bro. You are well beyond worth it.

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Ezekiel 23:19-20 

Don't give up Stathol, you'll come out the other side of this.

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"Dress cops up as soldiers, give them military equipment, train them in military tactics, tell them they’re fighting a ‘war,’ and the consequences are predictable." —Radley Balko

Thinking about you, Stathol, and hoping all went well today.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth