The Glade 4.0

Sound like a shitty situation. Es tut mir Leid.

/hugs

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"I've got twenty ways to tell you shut the f*ck up / nineteen of them are twenty-four bars long / the other one goes: SHUT THE F*CK UP" - Aesop Rock
"There is no God higher than truth." -- Gandhi
Formerly: Tulamian

The best way is to sit down with your mom and tell her all your resentments and feelings to her face. The phone isn't sufficient, although it beats email. Even if she doesn't understand, it will help you because you are fully expressing yourself. I did this with my father and my ex in the past month and now my head is mostly clear. Now I don't have to pay for therapy... which I probably would have needed otherwise.

Your mother has forced you to choose between her or your wife. You have chosen wisely.

Believe me when I say that your situation isn't as bad as it looks from your perspective. From the stories you've told, it sounds like Oonagh's family likes you just fine, and are perfectly happy having you around.

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Buckle your pants or they might fall down.

All bad situations (except starvation or a concentration camp, I guess) are mentally defined... there's sound reasons why rich people get depressed... it's not that simple as saying it's not that bad from an outside perspective.

As unfortunate as it is, I agree with Elmo here. It's just such a god damned shame it has to turn out like this.

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Los Angeles Kings 2014 Stanley Cup Champions

"I love this **** team right here."
-Jonathan Quick

That won't help Foamy psychologically.

Yes it will.

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"...but there exists also in the human heart a depraved taste for equality, which impels the weak to attempt to lower the powerful to their own level and reduces men to prefer equality in slavery to inequality with freedom." - De Tocqueville

No it wouldn't. If he sees a therapist, then he would be telling the therapist stuff that he should be telling her.

Believe it or not, there are some cases where it just does more harm than good to oneself to put your heart out there and share your emotions with the individual in question than it does to just go to a therapist and deal with your emotions in a safe and healthy environment.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

But the emotions deal with her!! Trust me, it won't help unless he confronts her face to face and expresses every single thought and emotion on his mind.

Lex, I am so glad that this method worked for you. I really am.
But what works for some people in some situations does not always work for others.
Foamy and Oonagh seem like nice, intelligent, level-headed people.
I'm quite certain that if this was the way that would work for them, they would have done it already and this would never even be an issue.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

LadyKate:

I am positive that this way works for everyone. It will clear Foamy's mind if he speaks everything he thinks to her. The issue will obviously not be resolved. But at least his mind will be cleared.

Then why is this method rarely suggested by trained professionals? The most common methods of venting emotion involve projecting onto inanimate objects, writing un-sent letters, etc.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

They are ineffective methods. Better than nothing, but still ineffective. Talking directly to his mother is the most efficient way of fixing the mess in his mind. (I'm not saying the mess is his fault at all... just pointing out that this is the best way to get rid of it)

Lex, sometimes those methods are VERY effective for the simple reason that they allow an individual to release their pent-up emotions and find immediate relief. In many cases, releasing these emotions (even anger and rage) can make someone very vulnerable very quickly....sometimes in a matter of moments after the release of the negative emotion.
In these instances, it is much better to have that vulnerable period afterwards followed by either self-comforting, theraputic reassurance, or some other form of relief by a spouse or loved one (i.e a hug).
If someone chooses to vent this emotion with the problematic individual, there is an increased risk for further damage. Can you not see this?

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

It lessens the damage. The process seems climactic but afterwards you feel much better. When you talk to the pillow, you are pretending to talk to the person. But you aren't talking to the person!! It's a half-assed approach!! Yes it seems scary to talk to the person who causes your frustrations, but it is by far the most effective way. The period afterwards needs to be spent with the person who is the source of your frustrations.

I know this because I read it in a book, and I tried it, and I'm a smart guy and it makes logical sense to me. I'm not just trolling here!! But fine then, LadyKate, don't believe me.

Lex, you are not the only one with life experience in this arena.
Just because you had an experience and it worked for you, does not make it a universal truth.
That's all I'm saying.

Also, its perfectly acceptable to agree to disagree.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

It is a universal truth. Talking to the object of your frustrations is garbage disposal of the mind. Don't believe me then. But I KNOW I'm right here.

Lex are you just really that adamant about such a resolution method, or threatend that someone else might use a different approach, have equal or greater success and "invalidate" (which it doesn't really) one of your precious life experiences?

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"It's real, grew up in trife life, the times of white lines
The hype vice, murderous nighttimes and knife fights invite crimes" - Nasir Jones

I guess I'm irritated that he is about to spend money on therapy and waste a lot of time and thought instead of just going to her house and talking to her, and I'm irritated that people don't believe me that my method is the best.

Since the first of your clauses is predicated on the second being true, I'll just address them as one: you're being pretty damned arrogant to assume your advice is gospel. Not trying to be an ***, but take a step back and listen to yourself.

If you're so self-assured that your tried and true method is fail proof, I suggest writing a book or maybe becoming a mediator of sorts professionally. After all, you have devised a fool proof solution method for quite a common problem.

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"It's real, grew up in trife life, the times of white lines
The hype vice, murderous nighttimes and knife fights invite crimes" - Nasir Jones

And in your position, that may be what was best for you. Let Foamy decide what is best for him.
I am merely trying to show you that there are other methods that work better for other people.
I would think in this case that Foamy allowing himself to be in a vulnerable emotional state with someone who is going to take advantage of that and hurt him while his defenses are down is going to be extremely detrimental.
He needs a different method than the one that worked for you.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

I haven't devised it. My method is the oldest method ever. It just takes the most guts, but it's the most effective. It's easier to spend money on a therapist instead of confronting the root of the problem. Venting your frustrations to the source clears your mind. Afterwards you have no emotions or resentments to be expressed. There's no reason to dwell on it anymore. Your mind becomes clear.

Lex, talking to the therapist would help Foamy determine how he was going to confront his mother rather than have it be off the cuff.

Unless his mother seeks help, things are not going to get better. Only Foamy's ability to withstand his mother's irrationality would improve.

You seem to be working from the perspective that his mother is merely misguided or stubborn. Go from the viewpoint where his mother is mentally ill, irrationally needs to be in control of every aspect of everyone's life around her, then apply standard damage control to the situation.

His mother needs counseling, therapy, and probably medication, but I am not a doctor and even if I were, she isn't my patient. That is my hypothesis based on Foamy, Oonagh and Elmo's testimony here and in the past.

What Foamy continuing to allow his mother to interfere in their lives does is draw out and exasperate the situation. Nothing is going to get better without addressing the mother's issues. Foamy's mom will continue to use the same control mechanisms to try and achieve the same success with Foamy she had with her husband.

Personally, I'd rather that Foamy not become a soul-deadened drone like his father reportedly is. I'm sure Oonagh would prefer he stay the same guy she fell in love with rather than fall victim to his mother. Sean would benefit from both parents being mentally healthy and raising him with love and consistency without the weird matriarch ruining everything by controlling everything.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

Except your method assumes that the other party both a: has a mutual desire to resolve the situation, or at least progress and b: is not going to violently react or react in a manner which does such great harm that it causes irreconcilable problems in the long term.

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"It's real, grew up in trife life, the times of white lines
The hype vice, murderous nighttimes and knife fights invite crimes" - Nasir Jones