The Glade 4.0

I am watching my inteligent, talented, handsome 19 year old son fall apart, and I can't do much to help.

He functioned reasonably up until he was a senior in high school, when he just 'felt bad' and lay on the couch for a week. He didn't go to school, talk to friends, play games or even watch TV. When pushed, he returned to school the next week and limped along.

He took a year off before college and did fine. He traveled and worked. He went to summer classes at college and fell apart again, about 3-4 weeks in. Things got patched up and he went to classes fall semester. The same thing happened again. I had to call campus security to check on him, and when they found him, they took him immediately to counseling services. (He has essentially not eaten for a week...) After 2 meetings, he was sent home on medical leave to get treatment.

I have him home, and getting treatment. The problem is identified and I feel immensely guilty because if I had given up becoming a doctor when he was born, this might have been avoided. Unfortunately, I was ill, and forced by my supervisors and his father to return to my internship a week after he was born.

His father is angry about all this, and essentially wants him to 'stop messing around' and get back to college. His father has been told what the facts are by professionals, but he does not want to listen. He feels that he had a much harder life and my son has no excuse.

You see my son expects important people in his life to abandon him.

As his father never emotionally supported me after our son was born, I expect he will not support our son through this. And I fear that will break my son.

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Memento Vivere

I have local knowledge.
That sandbar was not there yesterday!

It is a challenging stage in a person's life. Being allowed to set out on their own and make their own decisions, but unable to support and motivate themselves. I'm sure there will be a lot of work for everyone involved to pull through this. Good luck, we'll be praying for you and him.

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Gorse

I'm sorry for your son's hardships. I gave my parents a pretty rough time when I was in highschool, though going to college straightened me out well-enough. You said your son expects abandonment from those important? From what I read, he only had problems when attending school... do these two things have a connection?

Not being a psychologist and also being personally involved, I have trouble explaining.

Basically because my son has this fundamental insecurity, he lacks the internal strength to function when situations get stressful. (Like Ivy league college) When very young, infants and small children need a secure environment to grow and learn. My son did not have an emotionally secure environment. He was passed around and ended in day care from 9 months old. He was smart enough to present a good front despite everything. Knowing what I do about normal chidhood development I was always amazed he functioned so well. He could function well, but only in a carefully controlled environment.

The goal now is to give him the internal strength to function well outside of a carefully controlled and low stress environment.

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Memento Vivere

I have local knowledge.
That sandbar was not there yesterday!

Wishing you both all the best.

Maybe he needs a break. It would not be the end of the world if he needed to leave college for awhile to focus on something less stressful and to build his self-esteem.
The most important thing is that he is emotionally healthy, right? Surely his dad will come to grips with that. And if he doesn't, well, you will cross that bridge when you come to it.

I wish I had some good answers for you. Fortunately, you seem like a phenomonal woman, full of strength, love, and insight which is exactly what it sounds like he needs right now.
I will be praying for you all as well.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

LadyKate

I expect that I will need to cross that bridge. There are times when I feel I have nothing more to give. :/

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Memento Vivere

I have local knowledge.
That sandbar was not there yesterday!

You mentioned Ivy League, and while reading the initial post, I was already nodding my head and saying "he's not handling stress very well."

I wonder how he'd do at a less prestigious school. Or if he sat back and decided that he doesn't have to be considered great, and that happiness can be its own form of success.

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"Aaaah! Emotions are weird!" - Amdee
"... Mirrorshades prevent the forces of normalcy from realizing that one is crazed and possibly dangerous. They are the symbol of the sun-staring visionary, the biker, the rocker, the policeman, and similar outlaws." - Bruce Sterling, preface to Mirrorshades

/second Kaffis, who is growing in wisdom.

More when I get home.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

Sorry I can't offer anything smart, but I can offer my own experience:

In High School I lackadaisically achieved modestly; I never studied or did homework, just went to class and took the tests. When I got to college, this caused me to do extremely poorly my first year.

My second semester of first year, I started going to the gym again and eventually became very regimented over the summer. Upon returning to college, I found my attitude changed and I got A's that semester except a B in one class.

I know my experience isn't directly translatable, but maybe you can help him find something that will be the "key" to unlock that certain "door". Not sure if that helps, but hope something good can come of your situations.

/Cheers.

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"It's real, grew up in trife life, the times of white lines
The hype vice, murderous nighttimes and knife fights invite crimes" - Nasir Jones

Not much to offer; other than this.

You said had you given up trying to become a doctor when he was born..

The problem he has will probably take some working to get through. But had you given up on becoming a doctor.. and people resented him for that, there could potentially be no getting over that kind of damage.

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Darksiege
Traveller, Calé, Whisperer
Lead me not into temptation; for I know a shortcut

I was going to suggest the same thing as Kaffis. If it's the stress that's doing him in, let him work his way up to it. You don't learn how to handle stress by jumping straight into an Ivy League college.

Send him to a community college part-time. That's a lot less stress than trying to maintain straight As at Harvard or Yale (or wherever he's at). He'll be doing something with his time, which builds a certain amount of self-respect. You'll also be able to tell his father that your son isn't just sitting on his ***. Since he's only in school part-time, he'll have time to deal with his emotional baggage. Furthermore, community college classes are still college classes. He's still going to have to study and work. He can practice dealing with stress that way.

Then, when he's ready to go back to his Ivy League school, he'll have something to show for his time at home. That will help his recovery, because he won't feel like he's falling further behind while he gets his life in order. You may also want to consider getting him a part-time job. Working a job is its own reward. It, like going to school, will build some self-confidence, and he'll also have some money of his own.

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Buckle your pants or they might fall down.

This...hits right close to home. In fact, the reason I poked my head into Rants today was that I was thinking of posting an update on my own situation.

Squirrel Girl:

Obviously I don't know exactly what problem was identified. I'm neither a psychic nor a psychologist. But from my own experiences and from the knowledge I've picked up along the way of trying to find answers for myself, I can read between the lines and make a pretty good guess at the diagnosis. I suspect that your son is dealing with a condition closely related my own, if not the same.

Certainly our experiences and the general pattern of our lives are substantially similar. There is, however, a very crucial difference that I think you need to hear: my mother did stay at home to take care of my sister and me until I was about 11 years old. It didn't avert this. Disaster was waiting in the wings for me in spite of it. I know that's not exactly a cheerful or reassuring thought under normal circumstances, but you need to understand that, well ... "these things happen". Often enough, they happen with seemingly no reason or rhyme (ex. my sister was OK, but I wasn't). And even where there is rhyme or reason, these emotional disasters are complex, convoluted things. It's never a single cause. You shouldn't be trying to take all of this on yourself.


That sounds like just a fancy way of saying "hindsight is 20/20", but I think it actually says the opposite. Hindsight is blind. With hindsight, you can only see what was. Your vision is constrained to a single, narrow path. From this side of time, it's easy to look back at your own actions and say, "I caused this!" because the outcome is already fixed and inevitable. Hindsight blinds you to the fluidity of all things. It gives you blind spots: you cannot see what would have happened had you acted differently; you cannot see all of the ways that your actions worked to avoid the crisis; perhaps most importantly of all, you cannot see all of the other things that could have prevented it "if only...." And that's the really destructive part of playing the "if only..." game -- it makes you think that you're the only player on the stage.

What's far more important than trying to see where you played a role in the problem is trying to see how you play role in the recovery. I know that right now you don't feel like much of an asset in your son's life, but the fact that you're flogging yourself over this says otherwise. Truly negligent parents don't do that. And the irony of all this is that -- unless I'm sorely mistaken about what your son is going through -- he's probably trying to heap all of the blame on himself, not you. It's enough just that he knows you don't think he's a terrible person. That he has anyone in his life who is willing to offer him something other than blame, impatience, and disgust -- much less to offer him understanding, compassion, and encouragement -- is worth far more than I can tell you.

I'm still fighting my way through it all myself, so I may not be able (or qualified ) to offer you anything in the way of sage advice or encouragement. But if there's anything I can say or do to help, feel free to PM me.

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Sail forth! steer for the deep waters only!
Reckless, O soul, exploring, I with thee, and thou with me;
For we are bound where mariner has not yet dared to go,
And we will risk the ship, ourselves and all.

Good luck Squirrel Girl. As I don't know your son or all that much about your situation, here's some past experience that might be useful. First a scenario related to me by someone a few years ago, describing his attempt to go to college, something he failed miserably at.

Consider this, it is no longer about you abandoning him. His fears/anxieties may now revolve around the reality that to become an adult he now has to abandon you, and he doesn't want to do that.

A young adult leaves home, has school, life, career, opportunities, and relationships beyond and different than anything they have known before. For most of us this is part of growing up, we look forward to moving out, becoming our own person, gaining more personal control of our lives. Most of us, not all. For some (estimates up to 7%, though most work through it) it is a terrifying hellish future. Imagine you are already insecure, suffer from separation anxiety, and this big change is not the welcome adventure most young people see. It is everything you do not want in one little package. This time it isn't someone you love and (mostly) trust abandoning you - you are being forced by societal norms to abandon them.

Everything becomes a distraction. The situation is terrifying. You cannot focus on the things you know you need to focus on. You stop doing your daily routine because you lose track of what you are supposed to do and when you are supposed to do it. You only eat when your body demands it of you. You only sleep when total exhaustion takes you. You realize that being in charge of yourself is not only terrifying, but you are incompetent at it. More anxiety. My acquaintance attempted suicide at least three times. He destroyed a car, puked his guts out, and broke both legs in the attempts, but never managed to succeed. He felt he was as incompetent at dying as he was at living. I told him he didn't really want to die, he just thought he did. Yeah, well, maybe.

I've known, and not all that well, a very few people who have lived with adult separation anxiety disorder, which is what this may be from your brief description. The common threads have been "Change, any change, is bad" and "The object (person) of my attachment must be with, or at least very near, me at all times." At that level the disorder will not be fixed by a good counselor. That deep a problem is most often (in my limited experience) managed by a psychiatrist who specializes in it.

As Kaffis and Corolinth approximately mentioned earlier, Ivy league will be very stressful and far away. Consider asking your son to attend a community college close to home, if he is up to it. Just for the first two years. It will be able to provide enough exposure to other people to allow him to make new friends and work toward a degree. It will be close enough that he knows he can find you if he needs to - if not right that moment, within a few hours. If he is getting better maybe a local university can follow, or not, depending on the situation. Understanding that there is rarely only one right path, that options exist, and that he can make decisions for himself without paying heed to the course others have set for him.

If I've guessed right, please make sure the professional he sees is experienced in the specialty. It doesn't have to be a disaster, but it does have to be addressed now.

If I've guessed wrong, my apologies, I know I'm not psychic, and thanks for listening.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

Micheal, your description make be the right one. My son is seeing a PhD psychologist who specializes in people of his age. He is watching my son carefully and will bring in a psychiatrist for medication as needed.

Classes at the local college are being considered when he is better.

I am anxious about the whole process. My fear is that his father will abandon our son. His father lacks the ability to understand any emotional problems. He feels that people should just 'pull themselves up'. I am afraid that if this likely event occurs my son will break much worse than he has.

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Memento Vivere

I have local knowledge.
That sandbar was not there yesterday!

*holds Squirrel Girl's hand*

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I'm curious about the father. Something tells me he is hiding something. That firm a resolve is usually a mask for some deeper insecurity.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

His father is an engineer with a PhD in Applied Physics from that same Ivy League University. He was the youngest of 8 kids who survived to live to adulthood. His mother was about 50 when he was born, and ill. She lived until he was about 7. Somehow she put together money so he could go to catholic school, because she had 4 children who never even graduated from New Orleans public high schools.

He was passed around among his family, and eventually ended up at his godparents (who were childless). I never knew his godfather, but his godmother was pathological when it came to women with whom she shared living space. In his senior year in high school, his father asked him to live with him, however he would have had to leave the catholic high school he was at. His father died just before he graduated from high school.

He got a full scholarship to an eastern technical college. His godfather died during his first year there. Then went to graduate school at an Ivy League University.

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Memento Vivere

I have local knowledge.
That sandbar was not there yesterday!

All you had to say was "he's an engineer."

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

It sounds like several people involved are placing too much importance on the Ivy League schools. Frankly, there is a culture of stress at those schools for very little reason. Actually, that extends far beyond the Ivy League. There seems to be a prevailing trend at four-year universities to not give a rat's *** about the undergraduate students. It's especially noticeable that nobody gives a damn about you during your gen ed courses.

In other words, first and second year students at four-year schools get way more stressed out than they really need to simply because they're being ignored by their professors.

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Buckle your pants or they might fall down.

/hugs

My thoughts are with you and your son, Squirrel Girl!

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"Said I never had much use for one, never said I didn't know how to use one!"~ Matthew Quigley

"nothing like a little meow in bed at night" ~ Bruskey

"I gotta float my stick same as you" Hondo Lane

"Fill your hand you son of a *****!"

This can be very true. And don't pay much attention to people that say if you go to a smaller, less well known 4 year institution that you cannot end up at much better schools for graduate studies.

I went to a local 4 year college, and was exceptionally happy I did so- the climate was much less stressful on the whole, and I enjoyed my education a great deal.

Being at one of the more stressful schools for graduate studies, I'm glad I didn't come here as an undergraduate.

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Darksiege: You are not a god damned vulcan homie.

Around here, our expensive private colleges have found that the juniors and seniors they receive from the two-year colleges do better than their own students.

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Buckle your pants or they might fall down.

i'm convinced about 10% of the male population has a serious life crisis about this age. I did, my father did, my brother did. Some deal with it by drinking others by other methods.

Your son and I have at least this, in some measure, in common. I more or less wasted a decade of my life because I simply did not believe I was worthy of good things, that I was worth success, or that if I actually succeeded, that it would mean a damn thing to anyone (especially my father, who very similarly checked out emotionally from my life when I was a very young boy).

I wish I had help then. Trying to re-boot my 20s is wearying for me.

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It feels like all the people who want limited government really just want government limited to Republicans.
---The Daily Show