The Glade 4.0

The problem with "truth" is, it depends.

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In time, this too shall pass.

I was adopted, I knew the truth from the beginning, and my birth parents died when I was 16. (I found this out later.)
I don't think I stopped crying for my birth parents until I was 23. Not knowing the people who brought you into existence, and wondering why they aren't there to love you can be pretty all consuming for a kid especially during your teenage years when you are struggling to find your identity...so many people take their identity for granted because they know exactly who they are and where they came from and their family history and have baby pictures of themselves, etc. In Lydiaa's family member's case, the only thing that would be brought about by the truth would be pain and heartbreak.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

That is the unknowable, and selfish to impose on someone. Thinking you know better than they do, and hiding their heritage from them, and lieing to them about who they are and where they come from because of the short term risk of some sadness and wonder.

Lies are never good, and are never born of love. Were I to discover a lie of that magnitude, I would disown my parents.

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Ezekiel 23:19-20 

You greatly underestimate this, sir with your minimalist vocabulary. It's not short term, it's not "some" sadness, and it's not wonder. It's all-consuming, especially when your birth parents are dead...in some cases, ignorance truly is bliss.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

Says you, who are so willing to steal the right of another to the truth of their birth and the right to know who they are.

Just because it effected you this way doesn't mean it does to everyone.

Yet the way you would handle it places you above them, and your experience above them.

People should have the knowledge about who they are and where they came from. Your own experience does not justify a lie to someone you claim to love. Sometimes love means allowing someone to experience pain, because love means truth and trust.

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Ezekiel 23:19-20 

I do not want bliss at that cost. in my mind there's a word for someone who would withhold a major truth like that from a child. That word is 'Liar'. And when the child eventually finds out the question comes up: What else did they lie about? Can I trust them at all?

Kate, if God came to you and said "You asked 'why'. I have an answer for you, but you're not gonna like it." would you say "Oh, nevermind then"? Or would you say "I want to know, no matter how much it hurts"? Actually, it occurs to me that your faith might make it easier for you to say "As long as there's a reason that's enough", but it's not enough for me.

I personally wouldn't give two craps if I found out I was adopted. I was raised by my parent who cared for me, not some biological donor.

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Holy shitsnacks!

I'm a big fan of age appropriate truth as opposed to outright lies. I mentioned the idea before when talking about answering the physical questions of child origin without lying.

A young child doesn't understand such term as biological parenthood.
"We are your parents we choose to be so and we love you" is the truth and probably most appropriate for younger age children.

You already have children in your family with two mommies and/or two daddies right? Transitioning the adopted into the idea that they have another set of parents that aren't around right now shouldn't be too hard.

I have a nephew with two dads. He's always remembered having two dads and one isn't any less "real" to him. In a couple of years he's going to be learning the answers to the biological questions and that he can't "Really" have two dads. I don't think that negates the love that Kevin and Lee have for him. At least most of the time. That doesn't mean he won't ever defy Kevin's authority in the heat of the moment with that dreaded "you aren't my real dad" or question why his biological dad doesnt play the traditional role. that's part of having a sin nature.

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I prefer to think of them as "Fighting evil in another dimension"

This was my father's reaction when he received some of his baby pics from his birth mother out of the blue. He was absolutely not interested in getting to know someone who had abandoned him. But I've always wondered a bit, if for no they reason than that I have a medical history from only one side of my family...and family drama/gossip that the adoption was done from within my father's family.

I'd say the decision to tell someone has no "only" option. It's a case by case thing, just like sometimes the birth parent(s) have no desire to meet with or get to know a child that was given up that wants to meet.

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Women are from Hoboken, men are from Trenton. ~ Jimmy Kimmel

So, let's say that my youngest son was conceived during a time when my wife and I were going through some rough times, and a little voice in the back of my mind has asked me if he's really mine...

You folks so wedded to the "truth", I suppose you'd insist I tell him, because the "truth" is, I don't know if I'm his biological father?

What good will come from it? The truth just for the sake of truth has no inherent nobility. He's my son, I'm his father, and nothing else matters... and THAT truth is more important than anything else.

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In time, this too shall pass.

All I can tell you is that if I were that child I would resent and lose respect for a parent who withheld a significant truth like that. And if I found out some other way I'd wonder if he really loved me for ME or if it was because he thought I was his biological child. Or if he thought I was incapable of handling an unpleasant truth. I'd much rather be told (at an age appropriate time, perhaps when I started looking like neither parent and wondered about it) "I may or may not be your sperm donor, but I'm your dad and I love you and that's all that matters."

So no, I wouldn't 'insist' that you tell him anything... your parenting decisions are entirely your own. I would merely warn you that lying makes you a liar, and that lying to your child undermines that child's ability to trust you when the lie is found out (as they often are).

Integrity and honestly are not things you only embrace when they are convenient and comfortable.

That's just silly. Without a DNA test, it's impossible to know for sure if ANY particular man is the father of a woman's child. The greater truth is that the man and woman that invest themselves for their entire lives in the development of a child with more interest in the fate of that child than they have in their own fate are the father and mother, biology is irrelevant.

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In time, this too shall pass.

I'd think it would be more illustrative of a parent viewing a child as a complete being to tell them that they were adopted, than to withhold that from them.

I think it would be more illustrative of a parent being self-centered and uncaring of their child's need for familial stability to tell the child that they may not be the parent's biological child because they think mommy may have screwed someone else, as evidenced by "a little voice in the back of my mind", than to sack up and deal with that **** on your own without needlessly piling that kind of passive-aggressive crap on a kid.

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"Dress cops up as soldiers, give them military equipment, train them in military tactics, tell them they’re fighting a ‘war,’ and the consequences are predictable." —Radley Balko