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deadman1204
 Post subject: Jokes!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 9:47 am 
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What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roaming Catholic

Two cannibals were sitting around the fire, and one says "Man, I cannot stand my mother in-law". The other says "Try the potatoes"

A county surveyor is out on a farm and needs to use the bathroom, so he heads to the outhouse. When he opens the door, he sees someone inside, but the guy says "Its ok, this one's a two-seater, come on in." So they surveyor goes in and sits down. Then the workman finishes, stands up and pulls his pants up. But when he does, some change falls out of his pockets into the hole. He turns around, pulls a $20 bill from his wallet and drops it down the hole. "Why did you do that?" asks the surveyor. The workman turns and says "You think I'm going down there for 35 cents?"

There was a paranoid dyslexic who thought he was always following someone...

Share some! :derp:
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Arathain Kelvar
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 11:56 am 
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A termite walked into a bar and asked, "Where's the bar tender?"
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Foamy
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 12:01 pm 
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A Priest, a Rabbi and a Leprechaun walk into a bar. The Leprechaun looks around and says, "Saints preserve us! I'm in the wrong joke!"

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This must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of Thursdays.
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Hopwin
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 12:02 pm 
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What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he won't come any ways.

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In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. - George Carlin
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Mookhow
 Post subject: Re: Jokes!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 12:05 pm 
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Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin says to the other, "Boy, is it hot in here!" The other muffin replies, "HOLY CRAP, A TALKING MUFFIN!"

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Arathain Kelvar
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 12:27 pm 
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Two hunters were out in the woods, and one accidentally shot the other.

The shooter called 911, and said to the dispatcher "I accidentally shot a man while hunting and I think he's dead!".

The dispatcher replied, "Calm down, sir, let's first make sure he's actually dead."

There was a pause, and then a shot was heard. The hunter got back on the phone.

"Ok, now what?"
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Oonagh
 Post subject: Re: Jokes!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 2:30 pm 
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What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves with no arms and no legs?- Russell
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?- Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on the wall? - Art
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen

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"None is more important, none more legitimate, than that of rendering the people safe as they are the
ultimate guardians of their own liberty."- Thomas Jefferson

"Yeah, I'm rehearsing my poker face. I don't handle stupid well. *sigh*" - Farsky
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Hopwin
 Post subject: Re: Jokes!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 3:04 pm 
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The Dancing Cat
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Oonagh wrote:
What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves with no arms and no legs?- Russell
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?- Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on the wall? - Art
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of the door? Matt
What do you call an asian women with one leg shorter than the other? Irene

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In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. - George Carlin
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Hopwin
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 3:09 pm 
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In the same vein...

The door bell rings at the whore house. The madam opens the door to see a guy with no arms, and no legs at the front door.. she looks at him and says "What do you think you're going to do here?"

He looks down to his crotch and replies " I rang the door bell didn't I?"


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a mailbox? Bill

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In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. - George Carlin
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Gorse
 Post subject: Re: Jokes!
PostPosted: Wed Dec 21, 2011 4:57 pm 
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Obligatory man with no arms and no legs joke:
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pothole? Phil


An elderly church lady goes to the doctor and says she has a gas all the time, "you know the kind, they are quiet ones, that don't stink."

The doctor gave her some pills said to take them every day and to come back and see her next week.

She comes back in a week and says "I don't know what those pills are but my goodness, it has made my gas start stinking something aweful."

The doctor replies, "good, now that we've got your sense of smell fixed we'll get to work on your hearing."

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Gorse
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Vladimirr
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2011 9:51 am 
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The Chicago Bears football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Lovie Smith immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was "Goal Line". Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.

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Stathol
 Post subject: Re: Jokes!
PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2011 1:20 pm 
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Oonagh wrote:
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?- Bob


This reminds me of a much more offensive joke:
Spoiler:
A man is walking along a secluded, private beach when he comes across a woman with no arms and legs lying on a beach towel. As soon as she sees him, she begins to weep.

Concerned, he asks her, "Are you okay? What's the matter?"

Between sobs she manages, "Oh, I'm alright, I guess. It's just ... I come to this private beach because no one is ever here. I love the sand and the sea, but I don't want people to see me."

"I can understand that. It must be hard," he replies.

"Yes, but the truth is, in some ways I do want to be seen. You see, deep down, I'm actually very lonely. I may not have arms or legs but I'm still a woman, and well...it's kind of embarrassing..."

"It's okay; I'm not going to tell anyone."

"The thing is, I really want to have sex - to experience that at least just once. But I want to feel like I'm desired. I don't want him to just 'have sex' with me. I want him to **** me."

The man looks down into her eyes with a knowing look. He kneels down and removes her bathing suit, then gently gathers her up in his arms. Summoning all of his strength, lobs her out into the ocean, and yells,

"WELL, YOU'RE **** NOW!"

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Sail forth! steer for the deep waters only!
Reckless, O soul, exploring, I with thee, and thou with me;
For we are bound where mariner has not yet dared to go,
And we will risk the ship, ourselves and all.
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