The Glade 4.0

Seriously, it just seems like it one thing after the other, these last 5 months have been so bad it's not even funny.

End of August I found out my girlfriend was doing porn behind my back.

Then I moved a few days later, my roomie bailed on me once his stuff was moved so I was stuck with a Uhaul full of stuff to move myself, the back door then got stuck opened and it started down pouring (we had a tropical storm on the day we moved) so some of my stuff got wet.

I gave my girlfriend another chance and ended up passing on dating a wonderful woman because my ex said she would stop porn...but she lied, she started cheating on me, got emotionally abusive, physically violent and would threaten me if I broke up with her.

My roomie started being a pain in the *** about paying bills, not wanting to pay 50/50 like was always the agreement so now i'm paying about $100 more than I expected a month.

I got into a accident in October and my car was in the shop for a month, the stereo was stolen from the car while at the shop (though the shop replaced it), $500 deductible later and who knows how much more when my insurance goes up later this year I get my car back, only to go back to the shop 2 more times because it wasn't fixed right.

Beginning of November I was finally done done with said awful girlfriend, but the woman I passed a chance on dating was seeing someone else so I end up dating someone new who lived in Virginia.

Middle of November I have to replace my cell phone because it stopped working right because my psycho ex had throw it at a wall.

All thru November and December my psycho ex wouldn't leave me alone driving me crazy and causing so many emotional issues for me which effected my new relationship.

After spending around $700+ on gas, hotel room, food down there and Christmas gifts for my new girlfriend to drive down to Virginia to spend New Years with her and helping her friends move while I was down there she dumps the day after I get back home, so I fell in love and spent so much money on her (also flew her up here) and get dumped over a completely stupid reason.

I go to my Therapist a few days later and was diagnosed with P.T.S.D (post traumatic stress disorder) from my psycho ex and everything she put me thru.

Before I left on my cruise with my family I contacting a florist in VA and spent $90 to have flowers delivered to my gf who just dumped me, while I was on the beach in Cozumel Mexico I get an email from the florist saying she basically declined delivery so I'm sitting there on a gorgeous beach in the Caribbean bawling my eyes out and having my mother comforting me because of that and pretty much ruining the rest of my vacation for me.

The night I get back my psycho ex calls and leaves a voicemail saying she missed me, she had a dream about me, etc, and hoped I was happy with my new gf, my new gf she told me when I started dating that I should just give up on my new gf and go back to her because I was just going to get dumped in 2 months, she was off by less than a week there, further rubbing salt in the wounds.

The woman I passed on dating back in August is still seeing the same person, I've gotten closer to her as friends but now have a crush on her, bleh.

And then today I drop my phone and the screen breaks (the new phone I just bought 2 months ago), and just to top it off I then burn myself while cooking dinner.

I just really can't take much more of this I so need some good luck to come my way soon, something to go the way I want it to :/

Anyways I just really needed to vent somewhere.

Hope you feel better after venting, sometimes it helps to write it all down and read it back a few days later.

If you can learn something from this experience, then it would have been worth it.

Yeah, venting using helps me at least somewhat, it's good to get it out.

Well I've learned if I don't date, drive, move, have roommates or buy stuff I won't have problems? lol!


Oh, and just to top it on, the woman I have a crush on, she actually likes me in that way too, however has said she isn't quite ready to give up on her boyfriend yet (they have had issues since day one and it's been 4 months), but has said if that relationships ends she wants to go out with me if i'm still single and that she still stalks thru my Facebook to look at pics of me, so it could turn into some good luck, or could be false hope.

Hugs Sassy, had been wondering what you are up to. Sorry it isn't better news.

Come out and visit sometime, I'll do my best to cheer you up.

_________________
The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

That's a lot of crap to have to deal with

Sorry you've been goin through all that.

/mooseyhugs.

_________________

Holy shitsnacks!

Sorry things are sucking for you right now, Sassy.

Hopefully the venting helps. What can you do other than take what life dishes out right on the chin, get back up, dust yourself off and keep plugging away.

Take care of yourself.

/foamyhugs

_________________
This must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of Thursdays.

Thanks all, yeah, it's like life is seeing how much stuff it can throw at me till I crack or something. Oh and today I got a really nasty/big paper cut that hurts like an SOB.



Thanks, and yeah, my life has been as sucky as usual.

After all the issues I've had requiring me to spend money I definitely don't have the money to travel anywhere right now.

Sounds to me like staying single for a while would be a really good idea. If I'm reading it right, you've been emotionally dependent on three different women in three months.

Consider taking a hiatus while you get your stuff worked out.

That will at least clear out some of the issues and let you work through some others. May make things easier.

Well not so much emotionally dependent, just one girlfriend who was a abusive that messed me up, and it a short term relationship, and then just have another woman I have a crush on atm. Really it's not specifically a relationship rant, it's just the shear amount of crap that's happened to me in the last 5 months, some of which happened to be relationship related.

But regardless I've been single since the 2nd and have yet to start looking for another relationship, if things happen to work out that way with the woman I have a crush on great, otherwise atm anymore i'm not even looking and just dealing with getting thru the PTSD with my therapist.

I’ve always gone with a philosophy of, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. While second chances look great on paper, practicing it is usually a bad idea. If a person knowingly hurt someone they love once, they will do it again, even if that loved one changes.

So a couple of things I would have taken away from your experience… for your references only:

1) If someone who claims to love you, but lies to you. Don’t take them back, EVER. Move on.

2) Your friends are a good reflection of you. If they are irresponsible to the point of inconveniencing you, it’s time to get new friends. Also make sure you have known this friend for a LONG time, (min 10 years) and know they have always been responsible with their money, before jumping into a big financial decision like moving in with them.

3) Always save for a rainy day, so when you get into financial trouble, you have some back up. Always live 20% less than your means to ensure you have a rainy day fund. Following point 2 helps.

4) Do not date someone just cause the woman you wanted wasn’t available. That is a horrible reason for dating someone.

5) Long distance relationships do not work. (This comes from experience… lots of painful experience.)

6) After breaking up, make sure you allow yourself enough single time to ensure your ex won’t drive you crazy. If need be. Change all contact details. If she knows where you live and gets really bad, take out a restraining order. Point 3 helps with all these things.

7) NEVER EVER spend extravagant amount of money on a relationship in the first year (unless it’s mutual money, like halfies on a holiday). If you need to do it just to make them happy, then they are not the considerate type of person you want to be with.

8) Don’t blame others for your own problems. You have PTSD because you allowed your psycho ex to put you through everything. Examine yourself and fix your own problems, this way no further psycho exs can occur.

9) Do NOT EVER crawl back to someone who’s dumped you over a stupid reason. It’s desperate, sad, and will never EVER have that person take your back. They were selfish to start with, why would you want to stay with them?

10) Never let another person’s emotions overrule your own. Yes she was selfish, but so were you. You were selfish to let your own feelings ruin not only your own holiday, but also the holiday of your mothers.

11) The woman you think is wonderful is poison. Anyone who’s with someone while leading you on with the hopes of “IF they broke up …” is manipulative. Stay away. Anyone who “lines up” their eventual dating lives is selfish and really not worth dating.

The sad reality of this matter is Sass, it’s not the people you’re dating, it is you. You’re allowing this to happen to you, and then instead of examining what you did wrong, you blame it on everyone else.

Until you examine yourself and draw that line in the sand which constitutes what you need. Until you can learn to say no when that line is going to be crossed by another. Until you understand who ever crosses that line, after you have said no, does not love you, or is too selfish to love you. You will not be able to find the one.

If you don’t even respect yourself, why should others respect you?

Well said.

_________________

Ezekiel 23:19-20 

Down in front, there's about to be a cat fight.

_________________

Sorry to hear about it Sas. It does look like Lyd has the right of it (for the most part). I'm sure you know the things she said intellectually but need to take them to heart and understand them when acting from emotion. Also get familiar with the concept of "joint and several liability".

Lydiaa, I'd disagree with a couple points you had:


The magnitude of the "lie" really matters; "I'm quitting porn" isn't on the same level of "I didn't eat that cookie", for example.



The first part is a truism, the second, not very realistic. Most people don't have the luxury of only moving in with someone they've known since before they were ten years old when moving out of their parents' home. The pool of available roommates for someone who is in a financial situation that would cause them benefit from a roommate (everyone without ma and pa moneybags at 18-22, or so) would be so small as to be useless if they only moved in with fiscally responsible people that have exhibited such since age 8 to 12.



I'm sure she didn't date someone else "just cause the woman you wanted wasn't available". You date who's available. If people only dated the person they want the most, there's be a lot of people without dates.

_________________
"Dress cops up as soldiers, give them military equipment, train them in military tactics, tell them they’re fighting a ‘war,’ and the consequences are predictable." —Radley Balko

You have obviously never lived in Japan, Vindi ...

Just sayin' ...

_________________

Nope, and I'm betting Sas hasn't either.

_________________
"Dress cops up as soldiers, give them military equipment, train them in military tactics, tell them they’re fighting a ‘war,’ and the consequences are predictable." —Radley Balko

Well I think people can change, but yeah, I should have never taken her back, she was a very manipulative person though and I fell for it.



I don't have a roommate because I want to, like most people with roommates I have a roommate out of necessity, so not much of an option there.



Oh, I do, the problem is so many things happened at once it drained my rainy day fund.



Oh, don't get me wrong, the most recent ex I didn't date simply because the woman I wanted to wasn't available, I dated her because I really liked her a lot, enough to to start another long distance relationship after I said never again. And that's not true, plenty of people have had long distance relationships that worked, but yes, they are less likely to work and require a lot more work to maintain, work i'm willing to do, but the two women I've dated weren't apparently.



Well when I say my ex was driving me crazy it's not because I wasn't over her, it's because I hated her guts and wanted nothing to do with her and she wouldn't leave me alone, I eventually told her I would call the cops if she didn't stop and she.



Yeah, I know, but she did spend a decent amount of my Christmas present too, and the rest, well it's one of things kind of required with long distance relationships, if you don't spend lots of money on travel to see each other it will definitely fail.



That's harsh to say, that's like telling a rape victim it was her fault she was raped, my ex was abusive, manipulative, would threaten me, was going to becoming a cop and had friends that are cops, it's not a situation you really understand till you go thru I, I know I always thought the same as you before hand, it's a horrible thing to have to go thru.



I'm not crawling back to anyone, I did try to patch things up with flowers before I found out her stupid reason, I have since then deleted any contact info I have for her cause i'm done.



Again harsh and not the way to tell people to deal with things, bottling feelings up for the sake of not inconviencing the people around you is a good way to end up having a complete mental breakdown.



I don't think she's doing it to lead me on, she's unhappy in her relationship, she had a crush on me before and apparently still does, but she's not one to just bail on a relationship, I can respect that because i'm the same.



It's not my fault the people I date end up being the way they are, they are all great in the beginning and it end, I actually deal with it fine now, I'm totally over the most recent ex, and the issues from the prior one aren't exactly within my control, till you've been in an abusive relationship you really can't understand what women in them go thru.

Vindi:
I guess I use to be ‘nice’ when it comes to certain things and gave concessions for others. However through experience, I have realised that when you’re in a real relationship, you shouldn’t have to lie. Living with someone for the rest of your life is a long time, and lies build up until it all comes up in a blistering festering wound. Maybe I’m just more cynical now, than I use to be…

Moving out, in fact any financial decision needs to be taken wisely. You should know your friends well enough to move out with them, otherwise, either don’t move out, or take a crappier place within your budget. Depending on another person whom you can not rely on, will simply put more financial burden on you, not less.

Sass:


Would you be able to afford a smaller place by yourself? Did your friend sign a contract prior to moving in with you? Who’s name is on the lease? There is always an option, it might not always be the best option, but there is ALWAYS another option.

See this is what I use to tell myself. True love exist, that if someone else could make a long distance relationship work, so could I. All I needed to do was try harder… do more. That’s where the problem was. I kept trying to do more, when it’s the other person who needs to prove that they are worth me doing more.
Working long distance relationships is only the exception, not the rule. Don’t ever think of yourself as an exception.

That’s just it, hate is an emotion, and as long as you have some emotion associated with a person, you can not make the correct judgement call. It’s not up to the other person to leave you alone, it’s up to you to make it impossible/illegal to contact you.

This is part of the reason why long distance relationships don’t work. If you do not have the financial stability, if you don’t have the dedication from both person, if you don’t have good verbal/intellectual connection, it won’t work. Until you are successful with lots of money, the advice is still, stay away from long distance relationships.

I’m sorry if you feel this is harsh. I feel for you, and I sympathize with your situation, right up to and until the second time you let her do it to you, again. A rape victim would have my sympathy, right up until she spends alone time with her rapist a second time.
The thing is, you’re still letting it affect you. Rather than saying, there are just psycho people out there and I was really unlucky, you’re still letting what happened between you and her affect your life. You’re right that I don’t know what you have gone through, but I have walked out, with just the clothes on my back and my wallet before. Sometimes the best way to let go is to bring nothing with you.

Harsh, maybe, but sometimes reality is harsh. I’m not here to critisize you, I’m here to show you a point of view you may not have thought of. How you deal with that reality is something you’ll have to come up with, as each person is different. I’m not saying you should bottle up your feelings, but you saying your holiday was ruined by a call is selfish, considering your mother was the more innocent party in this situation. Keep in mind I don’t consider being selfish a bad thing, it is however situational/personal dependent.
You are not selfish enough when it comes to your many exs whom deserved more selfishness from you.

If she’s unhappy in her relationship then she should leave. If she doesn’t want to leave then she should be trying her best to save it, not thinking about someone else. By thinking about another person while she’s in a relationship, that’s mental cheating.
Again I’m not critisizing your choice (especially since you haven’t made it yet), merely pointing out a side you seem to want to ignore. I can’t be the only one to see a trend in your choice of dates.



This is exactly what I said 6 month ago when I broke up with my ex… sadly the exact same thing I said to try to justify my situation, defend my situation to my friends when they asked the harsh questions. This is why I may be a little harsh in my response. I hate to see you go through the same vicious cycle I did.

Just remember, it may be the fault of the people you date who seem to be wonderful at deceiving you. But it is your fault, for giving them too much trust in the first place, to allow them the opportunity to deceive.

I'm just confused at all the money spent on others.

It may quite possibly be that I'm a cheap bastard - I may buy a couple of flowers or a small gift, but there's not ever been anyone in my life I've spent more than $100 on in the first year of any relationship I've been in.

_________________
In time, this too shall pass.

This is my concern:

People like your ex ... well, they don't choose their victims at random. They look for people who have a certain personality and psychological traits that make them more willing than others to be brow-beat and bullied. Or at the very least, to be less likely to fight back or leave when they are. What you went through isn't your "fault" anymore than it would be your fault if you left your doors unlocked and someone took the opportunity to rob your house. However, anyone that cares even a tiny bit about you is going to look at that situation and give you the same advice: working to replace your stolen possessions is a necessary part of recovery. But in many respects, realizing how your own choices enabled the theft -- again, not assigning blame -- and taking action to change them is more important. Otherwise, all the work you do on recovery may well be for nothing, as it's likely to just happen to you all over again.

It isn't about blame. It's about protecting yourself. Working with your therapist in regards to the trauma is good. But I think it would also be worthwhile to ask her(?) what she thinks you can do to avoid these kinds of unhealthy relationships in the future. In short, "why me?" Are there aspects of your personality that make you more likely than others to wind up in this kind of relationship? Can -- and should -- those things be changed? For instance, a belief that people can change and that they deserve second chances is not necessarily a bad thing. I think most people would consider that a positive trait. However, even our best instincts can have unhealthy or even dangerous expressions. Acknowledging that we may need to make some hard choices about exactly where, when, and in what context we're going to exercise those traits is not a condemnation of them, nor of those people who posses them.

_________________
Sail forth! steer for the deep waters only!
Reckless, O soul, exploring, I with thee, and thou with me;
For we are bound where mariner has not yet dared to go,
And we will risk the ship, ourselves and all.

Not directed at you Sas, just some sage advice I want to highlight:



This, women* are extremely good at backburning people interested in them, not because they ever plan on dating you but because you are an endless supply of shots of self-esteem in the arm for them.

*Men may be good at this too, but I have no experience in that end of the pool...



This is the singlest greatest piece of advice ever given and took a lot of bad experiences on my part to finally learn.

_________________

I'm a tad suspicious of a therapist that diagnoses PTSD due to a relationship problem, especially one of that relatively short nature. I'd be careful this therapist is not trying to pump you for money.

_________________
"Hysterical children shrieking about right-wing anything need to go sit in the corner and be quiet while the adults are talking."

She's a very highly rated psychologist who I've been seeing off and on for 6 years now, and when I've worked thru problems before she was the one that said we should meet less and eventually that I didn't need to see her, she wouldn't be doing that if she was just pumping me for money.

And really, why are people not grasping the severity of that relationship, it was not simply "a relationship problem", I was with her for about 6 1/2 months, a large portion of it a living hell I couldn't get out of, an abusive relationship is not simply a relationship problem, it's a huge thing, the type of thing that can scar people that have gone thru it for the rest of their lives, even with therapy. The relationship was severe enough that it has changed me as a person, I do things and act in ways that's not me, not as bad as when I was still with her, but it's still there, it had a massive impact on my life and mental health :/

It's crazy that a relationship can go from new -> loving -> terrible-enough-to-scar-you in 6.5 months.

This happens to you because you are more interested in having someone pat you on the shoulder and says, "There there," than receiving any actual help. It is a classic victim mentality, which is why you are perpetual victim. Because you are the victim, and as the victim this must be entirely someone else's fault, you are unable to entertain the notion that there is something about yourself that can be changed which will prevent you from being in this situation again in the future.

There there. That *****.

Now, you can not fix "that *****." You can only fix yourself. You're getting ready to do it again. You're about to stand in line to be some other gal's rebound before she's even looking. Don't do that ****.

Chill out. Relax. Stop trying to make everybody your soul mate after a few good dates. You come on too strong and scare your potential partners away. Make your next girlfriend buy you flowers. For that matter, why are you buying flowers for someone who just dumped you, anyway?

I know it's hard to find somebody. It's even harder to find a gay somebody, because most people are straight. At the same time, you're getting more pussy than me, so I can't get behind this idea that you're bad off when it comes to love and relationships. You know there are half a dozen of us on the Glade who would tear your *** up given half the chance. Okay, granted we're men, but there have to be women out there who want to be all over you, too. Stop lining up for women. Make them line up for you.

_________________
Buckle your pants or they might fall down.

I'm not standing in line to be someone's rebound, her and I both said we should date if we both happen to be single at the same time when neither of us we single. I'm only remaining single atm because I choose too while I work on my problems because i'm not really ready for a relationship, not because I'm waiting in line for her. Also she was the one that came to me initially, as have all my past girlfriends, they all found and went for me, not the other way around, I don't line up to try and date women, things have changed there, I'm more confident now, and if I want a girlfriend I reactivate my okcupid account and usually withing a few days I have women messaging me for potential dates, and dates almost always turn into relationships for me, and when they don't it's because I didn't want it to go any further because there wasn't a connection.

I bought her flowers because the breakup was at least in part my fault, because of the PTSD I've become very reactive, confrontational and untrusting, and the way I acted I pushed her away, now granted there were issues on her part as well that really brought out my issues, but regardless it was the way I acted right at the end that triggered the breakup, so I was trying to fix things, hence the flowers.

Actually in the last two relationships it was the other woman that came on strong and fast, not the other way around, I've learned my mistakes there, I will reciprocate if they do early first, otherwise I won't. And I've had girlfriends buy me flowers, and the last one bought me a nice sterling silver locket with a picture of her in it, so it's not like it was a one sided thing there.

Heck this whole rant wasn't even about relationships to begin with, it was just a general rant about the shear amount of crappyness that's befallen me in the last 5 months, some of which just happened to be relationship ship, but honestly the one that bugs me the most atm is that my brand new phone's screen is broken, the relationship stuff really isn't even actively on my mind.