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 Post subject: Re:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 1:37 pm 
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Rafael wrote:
Except your method assumes that the other party both a: has a mutual desire to resolve the situation, or at least progress and b: is not going to violently react or react in a manner which does such great harm that it causes irreconcilable problems in the long term.


No, my method doesn't assume that. If both people "violently react" and still sit through it until there's no emotions left, rather than running out the door, then both people can forgive eachother and their minds are cleared. Or at least one person can forgive the other. Good for everyone.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 1:40 pm 
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Lex Luthor wrote:
Foamy wrote:
Prior to this decision, to pick up the child and have it out with them, I have made an appointment to see a therapist (Not "The Rapist" :P ). I will be having my first sit down next week on Tuesday. As I was making the appointment and talking to the receptionist, I felt tears welling up (I almost do even as I type this) as I want someone to make this all go away. I want this gone so the hurt isn't inside me and isn't destroying Oonagh anymore. I don't know where else to turn.

Sorry to bother you all with this, but thank you for the understanding ear. Maybe it helps, if only a little.

Scuse me, I am going to go cry a little and hug my son.


The best way is to sit down with your mom and tell her all your resentments and feelings to her face. The phone isn't sufficient, although it beats email. Even if she doesn't understand, it will help you because you are fully expressing yourself. I did this with my father and my ex in the past month and now my head is mostly clear. Now I don't have to pay for therapy... which I probably would have needed otherwise.


PWBIL (posting with baby in lap)
Lex:

It is hard for me to convey the difficult person that my mom is. I absolutely can not get in a word edgewise. She skirts the issue I am addressing. If I am trying to air out my feelings, she will act as if I am disrespecting her and have no right to say what I am saying.

In my confrontation with them earlier, both of them chided me for "speaking to your mother/father that way." Does this sound like a couple of understanding adults who care about their eldest son's feelings?

They want to wipe away 2 decades of family dysfunction and pretend everything has healed when in truth it hasn't even come close.

My word fall on deaf ears and they think I am still a little boy who needs to listen to his mommy and daddy. If they can't see me for the grown man that I am and don't care to hear how my wife is hurting because of their attitude towards her, then I don't know where else to turn. Professional help is my last resort. In truth, I want the help to find out how to turn them off in my life. At the moment I type this, I don't want resolution with my parents. I want to know how to distance myself from them and not feel any guilt. I know that is not the goal a professional would help their patient attain, but you at least have an idea of how deeply scarred and hurt I have been over the past 20+ years.

EDIT: PWCBIL (posting with crying baby in lap)

Lex, to address your monetary concerns....Oonagh has great health insurance and it will only cost me a $20-$40 copay per visit.

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 Post subject: Re: Re:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 1:45 pm 
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Lex Luthor wrote:
Rafael wrote:
Except your method assumes that the other party both a: has a mutual desire to resolve the situation, or at least progress and b: is not going to violently react or react in a manner which does such great harm that it causes irreconcilable problems in the long term.


No, my method doesn't assume that. If both people "violently react" and still sit through it until there's no emotions left, rather than running out the door, then both people can forgive eachother and their minds are cleared. Or at least one person can forgive the other. Good for everyone.


Yes it does. It's very obvious, your response has a conditional clause, "if".

If they sit through it before causing too much hurt (not necessarily physical, but emotional), it might work. How do you expect them to sit down and talk about it if they first fight (again, not necessarily physical, but that may be a component in other situations) and cause so much damage they are now irreconcilable.

You are not being intentionally obtuse so you can be "right". Let Foamy do what he thinks is best unless you want to tell him you are a more learned and experienced man.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 1:51 pm 
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Foamy wrote:
Lex:

It is hard for me to convey the difficult person that my mom is. I absolutely can not get in a word edgewise. She skirts the issue I am addressing. If I am trying to air out my feelings, she will act as if I am disrespecting her and have no right to say what I am saying.

In my confrontation with them earlier, both of them chided me for "speaking to your mother/father that way." Does this sound like a couple of understanding adults who care about their eldest son's feelings?

They want to wipe away 2 decades of family dysfunction and pretend everything has healed when in truth it hasn't even come close.

My word fall on deaf ears and they think I am still a little boy who needs to listen to his mommy and daddy. If they can't see me for the grown man that I am and don't care to hear how my wife is hurting because of their attitude towards her, then I don't know where else to turn.


That does sound extremely irritating. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this... and best of luck with sorting things out.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 2:08 pm 
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I am sorry to hear about this situation. It hurts all three of you.

Not knowing all the history; does the poor tyke have to stay with psycho-grandma? Dealing with this only once a month or year is better than daily.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 5:54 pm 
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Ok, last long post about this...I swear it.

Parents have been trying to get in touch with me all day to try and "resolve" this issue. I was not answering the door and screening all my calls to avoid them, at least until Oonagh got home so we may face them together.

Oonagh gets home and the next phone call from my mother was as follows...(Left on answering machine)
Crazy nutcase woman wrote:
Foamy and Oonagh (She used our real names), your father has passed out on the floor and I can't wake him up. If he dies on the floor, I will never forgive you.


I call back immediately and get NO ANSWER from the house phone. Machine picked up and I left a message stating that she needs to pick up the phone right away and if she doesn't, I am going to call 911 to get an ambulance to their house, post haste. No one picked up the phone.

I hung up, called 911, reported the issue as my mom had told me on the message she left and provided their home number.

I called mom back, answering machine..."Mom, I just called 911 and an ambulance is on the way." I continue calling her house and cell numbers to no avail.

I receive a call from fire dispatch stating that they are at the house and there is no answer. They confirm they are at the correct house by letting me know there is a realtor's lock on the front door. I give them my mom's cell number and hang up with central dispatch.

I continue calling the house, concerned for my father, and finally get an answer...It is the EMT responder. They fill me in on the situation and it is as follows.
EMT wrote:
We are in the house. We got hold of the realtor and he provided us the key to get in. We have been through the whole house and there is no one here. There is one car in the driveway and no car in the garage. What is really odd, though is that the stove is still hot, there are noodles cooking and the cutting board is out with food on it.


So, my mom called me and lied about my dad being in any danger thus prompting my 911 call. I called her bluff this time and caught her. To this moment, I haven't been able to get her on the home or the cell number. I have called the three area hospitals, and none of them have him admitted through the emergency room.

Now, I ask you, gentle Gladers, does this sound like a woman I can have a sensible heart-to-heart with? I never have been able to catch her in a lie with proof to turn it back into her face. She is caught dead to rights and she either is going to admit she lied, or call me a liar saying that she never called me stating this. Unfortunately, Oonagh deleted the incriminating answering machine message with the proof needed to show I had a legitimate reason to call 911. Regardless, both myself and Oonagh heard the message and I called the Fire dispatch board back to tell them that after all, I had reason to believe that I was lied to about my father's state.

She may have lost all rights to see her grandchild at this point, and my dad gets knocked down another peg in my book because, hey...he knew that she called me with the lie, and he had to have heard the message that I left that I was going to call 911 and neither one of them picked up the phone, and yet he still got in the car with her to run away from the ambulance responders.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 5:57 pm 
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Tangent...

Is there a law about falsifying information for 911 calls? I acted on the information I received from my mother, and she may have lied.

What does the law say about this if this is indeed the case? Who is culpable? Has someone broken the law here?

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 6:05 pm 
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Too much.

I hope you, Oonagh and Baby Sean find peace in all of this.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 6:37 pm 
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Foamy, if you can prove it, then yes, she can go to jail for that.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 6:47 pm 
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Yeah, that's a crime. Be careful, though.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 7:53 pm 
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Deleting the answering machine message was probably a mistake, but you probably gave the dispatcher enough information to exonerate yourself.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 11:58 pm 
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Good lord man.. my heart goes out to you two. I know its not a lot but obviously you can rant to us..
I read quite a bit and don't post much, so just keep in mind we are all listening.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 8:45 am 
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Foamy I hope you guys found your dad last night and that he is ok. We were praying for you guys last night.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 8:53 am 
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Never got through to them. I did get through to my brother and asked him to call them for me.

He told me that they had left for the hospital. (thought he was passed out on the floor)
They got halfway there and dad decided he felt better so they went home. I called them several times and let them know I was genuinely concerned and to give me some kind of update. I got nothing.

She bluffed and lost. I called her and showed her a better hand. She has crossed a line when she decided to lie about my dad's health. I don't know how much more I can hate her at this point.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 8:59 am 
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Thats really sneaky. Really sneaky.
Most people would believe someone when they say "well, we panicked and headed to the hospital before we heard the phone ring. Halfway there, decided we overreacted and turned around and went home. Whoops!"
That level of manipulation is scary.
Scary.

I wouldn't want my children around that, or my spouse.
I'm sorry this is happening to you guys.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 9:46 am 
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Having known several people in similar situations, I would very strongly recommend you immediately start a journal / diary. You should start with a couple pagesof what is going on and the fact that you are starting the journal to protect yourself and your family.

From now on document everything that happens. Record times of phone calls and meetings, save the answering machine tapes, keep a record of everything that happens. This type of documentation is invaluable if (when) things get worse, and or legal action is taken.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 9:49 am 
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I second Gorse's advice.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 11:45 am 
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That's some **** up **** Foamster.

I have a deal on 2 for one Backhoe rental if you so need. There's a lot of holes in the desert you know.

Personally, I'd tell her that was the last straw, and that she can consider her access to her grandchirren lost. You, Oo, and yer kiddo don't need that kind of bullshit in y'all's life. Life's hard enough without made up drama.

Side note, with noodles still cooking... what if the house caught fire when they left?

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:08 pm 
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Actually, the stove is one of those flat surface stoves. The light stays on as long as it is still hot.

It was off, but still hot.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:41 pm 
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Wow. The level of manipulation attempted here is just astounding. I second (or third) what Gorse says. Keep a journal. And any more messages, mail, email, any communication at all that can be saved should be saved.

I feel there is so much more to say but words fail me right now. Just. Wow.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 1:48 am 
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Gorse wrote:
Having known several people in similar situations, I would very strongly recommend you immediately start a journal / diary. You should start with a couple pagesof what is going on and the fact that you are starting the journal to protect yourself and your family.

From now on document everything that happens. Record times of phone calls and meetings, save the answering machine tapes, keep a record of everything that happens. This type of documentation is invaluable if (when) things get worse, and or legal action is taken.



QFT!!! Do this, NOW!!!

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this crap!

Foamy your first responsibilty is to yourself, your wife and your son!!

Good Luck!!!

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 8:50 pm 
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I wish you the best of luck in severing those ties. I can not imagine how difficult it is, as I am very close to my family. My heart goes out to you both (err three, as I loved my grandparents)

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:29 am 
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As this day wears on, having not spoken with my parents to address any of these issues since Thursday morning, I grow weary...

My heart aches and I feel despair. I am so unhappy that Oonagh hurts and my parents don't want to listen long enough to hear this. Not that I think they would care because it has been 12 years and they still don't treat her like the most important person in their son's life.

I want the hurt and the heavy heart to go away. I hope that my counseling session tomorrow somehow helps start the healing.

My mother is so self centered and mentally ill. It seems only Oonagh and I recognize it. My father, mother and brother have all taken sides against the two of us. Made us feel like we are the wrong ones for acting as we are.

My wife hurts and we are supposed to just "forget about it", so says my brother. He takes after my mother in that he only cares about his own feelings. He doesn't sleep next to a crying wife who is torn up because her mother-in-law doesn't respect her as the mother of our child. Until we feel like changing our minds, my parents do not get to see their grandson. They do not get to be happy while the child's parents are so hurt inside. I may be deciding to go to part-time work so I may stay home with my son since mom and dad will not be watching him on those two days.

I can only hope counseling brings us some peace, some way to deal with the hurt, anything at all. This pain has got to come to an end, it is ripping me up inside and I am sure it is all the same with Oonagh.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:34 am 
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Counseling is a good start.
I know this is hard, but you're going to have to cling to what you know in your heart is the right thing to do.
I wish you guys lived closer so I could be more supportive...reading some of the things that you say sounds really familiar.

Hang in there buddy, it will get better.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:46 am 
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**** your brother, too.

To Oonagh: These are not people who's opinion you should be concerned about. Okay, Foamy's mother doesn't like you, and I agree that sucks. She's also **** crazy. Her ability to judge who is worthy of love and respect does not work properly.

This woman is a cancer in both of your lives. Do you know how cancer is treated in the medical field?

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