The Glade 4.0

I've been reluctant to write on here, mainly because I don't feel I know enough about you or the situation to be of much good.

Generically speaking, I think it's a good idea to try and work things out After all if I want to say marriage means something more than just sex, cohabitation, and legal recognition, I'd want to back that with action, but I wouldn't dare consider imposing that upon you. So I will say, I pray God's best for you and that I admire your courage.

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I prefer to think of them as "Fighting evil in another dimension"

Yeah, all the best, man. Good luck.

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This cold and dark tormented hell
Is all I`ll ever know
So when you get to heaven
May the devil be the judge

I'm sorry. Khross has the right idea.

Not that it's enough on its own, but do you still love her? If you answer that "no," then there's no reason to try to reconcile this. If you answer that "yes" then you have a whole lot of thinking to do.

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Well Ali Baba had them forty thieves, Scheherezade had a thousand tales
But master you in luck 'cause up your sleeves you got a brand of magic never fails...
...Mister Aladdin, sir, What will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order, Jot it down -You ain't never had a friend like me
█ ♣ █

I've been exactly here. My situation was perhaps compounded by the fact that my (now) ex wife suffers Borderline Personality Disorder. (a result of an abuse filled childhood) My marriage 'ended' 10 years ago, and I suspected her of cheating again and again and told myself again and again that I chose to trust again.

I was an fool. But fools and love.... you know how that goes.


But I was also lonely. it wasn't just the betrayal, but it was lying in a bed with someone who wishes you were not there next to them. (forget touching)

But I stayed for fear of losing my daughter. And I did still love my wife.

But I was miserable. My wife is the one who finally pushed for divorce. I fought it too.

But once the divorce was over.... I realized what I had been feeling was the fear of loss of the thing--but the thing was long gone. I hadn't been married (outside the legalities) for a long time. I hadn't had a partner. I hadn't had someone to support me when I was down.

I won't say I reacted to post-divorce that well. I was a bit of a he-whore for while.

But then I found someone new, who loves me. Who wants me in her life. Who turns to me for support too. And I'm a better man for it now. I'm HAPPY.

You need to figure out what you need. Most of us need Trust, mutual support, affection, ...a companion. Your needs may be different--but first find out what you need.

Then try to determine objectively if you'll ever get that from this relationship. Is it likely?

LTTP, but I will say this in response to your cabin isolation thoughts: regardless of the outcome, don't take away from this world a good, honest, and caring man because of someone else's wrongful actions. That's not fair to the world. She is the one in the wrong here, not you.

If you want to ultimately make it work, then do so. But here is "the catch." There's always a catch and I am going to make it plain and in clear text. This catch only relates to you and your end. If you make a go at making the marriage work, then you need to forgive her. Completely and totally. There can't be a shred of unforgiveness left, else it will just pop up in a heated argument down the road (and that will be very, very bad to all involved) as well as slowly eat you away from the inside out.

Yeah, she's got a lot to do on her end too. First she also has to want to make it work. Then she has to earn your trust back as well as stop doing what she did. But, like I said, you have to allow her to do those things on your end as well as forgive her utterly.

Won't be easy on either end, but that's the only way it will work if that is the route you take.

But I also say, if after you decide you want to make it work, that if it happens again: she's gone. No discussions. No Contemplating. No reasoning. Gone.

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Les Zombis et les Loups-Garous!

I would take the legal precaution of drawing up documents to those ends as well. IE. she surrenders ownership of everything, and is out the door.

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Ezekiel 23:19-20 

She is going to be moving out soon. We are going to give it a try and see if we can salvage our relationship, although at this point I'm not sure I even care anymore, I am emotionally drained and numb.

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I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil

Not sure I understand the part where she is moving out, but you are still trying to salvage it. That to me, on the surface, just appears to make the divide more solid. As for your comment about not sure if you care anymore, the only thing I can say to that is the movie line from Ronin: Sam tells Vincent, "Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt."

I hope you find your way through this, dude.

I never understood the "moving apart will bring us closer" rationale either. Just seems that if she's going to continue lying, that'd make it easier.

Maybe it's an attempt to start fresh...try to get back the feelings they had they first met. When you reach the point where it is more roommates/friends, you need to try something drastic, if you want to remain together.

Good luck, Killuas.

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Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti

This.

Thanks, we will just see what happens.

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I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil

Well, regardless of the outcome, make sure you don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself. Most nice and decent people tend to lean toward this and it's not healthy.

You are an awesome person who deserves nothing less than the best partner in the world. If your wife can become that person, great. If not, be sure you put your wonderful self back out into the world to find that person. Because no matter how great a person you find, they will get an even better deal on their end because they will have you.

Remember that, always.

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Les Zombis et les Loups-Garous!

I'm sorry - I'm late to this.

I agree overall, but I would add a caveat based on my experience. (I found out after my 10-year anniversary that my spouse had cheated multiple times throughout the entire marriage.)

You can't forgive until you've had a chance to process all of the grief, anger, and hurt. Getting it out, and letting her know how you feel (and this happens over time, not all at once), is a necessary piece of healing. You shouldn't be expected to just flip a switch and "all is forgiven". It takes time and energy to rebuild trust.

The cheating spouse has to take full responsibility for his or her choices. There may be mitigating circumstances, but he or she ultimately decided to cheat. Trying to shift blame for those actions and decisions is bullshit. Yes, both spouses have to address issues from the relationship itself (lack of communication, intimacy issues, how problems are resolved, mismatched expectations, etc.). But the dishonesty and actual cheating itself is not the fault of the other spouse. It's all on the cheater. Until they have owned that, then forgiveness is not possible.

Saving a marriage is work. It's energy draining and stressful. You may decide that it is worth it to try, or you may not. I wish you luck and an outcome that is best for both of you.

If you ever need to chat with someone who has been there (or just vent), send me a PM.

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When he's underwater does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead?