The Glade 4.0

After yet another battle over homework I'm rapidly losing my patience with my daughter.

My daughter is extremely bright in math, and when we moved, was placed in a high school math class in 7th grade. She's encountering a few things that are review for kids from this district (they covered it last year) and so is struggling--she is more than capable of understanding the concepts, but she's freezing up.... or more specifically she approaches the math wrong. (its just basic algebra, but it does involve some new ways of thinking than she's used to)

The problem is, she lets her ego get in the way of the problem. (yes, she's 12, its to be expected to some extent) She won't allow me to teach her. She listens to the teacher without fail, but she does require a little extra teaching time so she can be caught up with the rest of the kids. But she refuses to listen to me. She fights me on every little thing, even physically trying to pull things out of my hand.

Punishments have never been a way I can get compliance out of her. (It doesn't help that her mother undermines many of my punishments as 'too hard to enforce' (AKA if I forbid TV/Games her mother doesn't want to entertain an ADHD child she can't just plop in front of a TV and forget about) But even spankings, washing mouth out with soap, timeouts, etc are ineffective. (she's too old to spank anyways)

I've tried incentives as well, but they're not much good. I am a firm believer that once it turns into an argument with your child, you've already lost. Parents should not argue with their children--they should dictate, and negotiate, but a parents word should be law for someone who's 12.

The thing of it is, once I do break her down and get through her resistance, she can do ALL of it, and learns it. And she comes and apologizes later. But I'm so tired of having to break down that wall every couple of nights. I need a way to break through the resistance (or avoid it) but her ego immediately throws up walls the second I try to correct anything, no matter how gently phrased.

Why punish? If the problem is that she won't accept tutelage from you because you're her father, then why not just avoid that problem by getting a third party to provide the instruction? Are there any kids around who would tutor?

_________________

Help her understand the cost of her actions.

As Shuyung see what finding another tutor would cost. Then give her the option that she can either have you help her for free or she can help defray the cost of a tutor by extra chores or something.

Let me come out and say it right now: My knowledge in situations like this comes from years of doing the wrong thing as a parent, mine is turning 16 years old in a few months, and I am just starting to get it right...

Do not force it, just accept that you are dad. As dad, you will be the wrong person to get help from. You could be a gorram mathematician and she would not be likely to accept your help. Look into a tutor, it may be an added cost, but if your daughter is willing to take their help and not yours... so be it.



Out of curiosity why not? I am not saying I do things differently (but I have done a great many things wrong with my daughter), but I have had others try and beat it into my head that this should not always be the case. If you tell your daughter that xxx is the way to do things and your daughter can carry on a discussion with you rationally and reasonably; giving good reasoning and back it up with sound logic... why should she be stuck to your xxx, and not work on a compromise?

Again, I am not saying you are doing anything incorrectly, just trying to point out the screw ups I have made with my child and spreading the word. If you are not willing to listen to the child and discuss things with them, you are just telling them that they should just close their mouth and not bother thinking because someone else will tell them what to do.

_________________
Darksiege
Traveller, Calé, Whisperer
Lead me not into temptation; for I know a shortcut

12 is definitely not too old to get spanked. That said, spankings should be reseved for serious offenses, not being unwilling to listen to Dad about math. Spankings are for things like coming home 3 hours late when you had no idea where she was or what had happened to her, or getting brought home by the cops, or serious offenses at school.

When it comes to teaching things, some things just have to come from another adult. I told my daughter over and over to put her hair up for softball so she could see better. She refused to listen until the coach finally got tired of her missing things and told her not to show up again without her hair in a ponytail. Not only did she start wearing ponytails for softball, they became her favored hair arrangement pretty much instantly. She just had to hear it from someone other than Dad.



DS makes a good point here. On the other hand, the parent has the final say on what's an acceptable compromise. If a kid is putting forth rational and reasonable reasons for a compromise that's one thing. If, on the other hand, the kid is just obstinately refusing to accept the parents concerns or point of view as valid and endlessly asking "but whhhyyyyyy" or something similar, then yes, lay down the law.

Never argue with kids. If they present reasonable ideas, reason with them. If they whine, have fits or tantrums, or are just obstinate, lay down the law. Just never argue. Arguing reduces you to their level; it's treating them as a peer. You argue with peers.

_________________
"Hysterical children shrieking about right-wing anything need to go sit in the corner and be quiet while the adults are talking."

So,
I'm confused. Are you upset because she isn't getting good grades, or because she isn't letting you help her get good grades?

That is when you give them 5 across the eyes.

I said I am starting to get things right... I still falter along the way

_________________
Darksiege
Traveller, Calé, Whisperer
Lead me not into temptation; for I know a shortcut

Nah, don't need five across the eyes...two upside the head gets their attention long enough for you to get your point across. After that...maybe five across the eyes.

_________________
"Said I never had much use for one, never said I didn't know how to use one!"~ Matthew Quigley

"nothing like a little meow in bed at night" ~ Bruskey

"I gotta float my stick same as you" Hondo Lane

"Fill your hand you son of a *****!"

Neither. I don't do her homework for her, but I do insist she does it. (the thing that kinda sucks is that because this is a high school class, it goes on her high school transcripts. Colleges don't care about middle school generally but HS GPA is still the best indicator or collegiate success. Since these grades will be in there, I have concerns--but so far she's given me no reason to worry--she gets A's.


Her grades aren't the issue. her understanding of the material and learning the processes is. But more than that, its more about the power struggle. There should not be one. I should be able to send her to her room, ground her and not have her ignore me completely. I should NOT have to physically enforce rules.

Homework isn't the only thing this is an issue with. Blatant disobedience, backtalk, disrespect for me or her stepmother, or her trying to force a physical confrontation ARE.

I specifically bring up homework because it comes up 2-3 times a week and is the thing most likely to trigger the other problems, however other things are also triggers. (her lying about washing her hair, refusing to clean up or assist with household chores, etc)

Riov...

She is your eldest right?

Sent from my SpringBoard using Tapatalk 2

_________________
Darksiege
Traveller, Calé, Whisperer
Lead me not into temptation; for I know a shortcut

I think much of it comes down to "she's 12, its to be expected to some extent". I agree that it shouldn't be an issue of dominance and control. It should be understood that you are the dominant one and the one in control.
I don't know that I'd be forcing my homework help on her. If she doesn't want it, I'd explain the consequences and let her decide. i.e. She must do her homework, but she is the one who has to live with the results of her actions.

You know your daughter better than we do. If the lying, disobedience, backtalk, and disrespect are new occurrences, there may well be an underlying cause that needs to be addressed, but it cannot be allowed to continue.

I wouldn't get too hung up on the idea that HS GPA is the best indicator of collegiate success. Be wary of correlation and causation. It's the reasons those high school kids got those grades that will be the determining factor in their collegiate success, not the fact that they got those grades.

_________________
"Dress cops up as soldiers, give them military equipment, train them in military tactics, tell them they’re fighting a ‘war,’ and the consequences are predictable." —Radley Balko

I don't disagree. The issue is that COLLEGES view it as the best indicator. Poor HS grades will limit her college options.

I've known my share of 12 year olds and her behavior is way outside of the norm. Its sadly a reflection of her mothers issues. (her mother has issues with honesty, manipulation, temper, --classic Borderline Personality Disorder) So even the 9 months out of the year I have my daughter, we're working hard to combat those traits.

The ADHD makes for an added complication too, because it adds a poor impulse control & judgement of a child 2/3rds their age. (So my 12 year old makes decisions like an 8 year old)

And yes, she is my first--my stepson is 6.

And she ASKS for my help--she fights me on the way I'm helping her. Its bizarre.

Welcome to teenagers 101, the first lesson here is... it does not matter you are wrong. If you try to help, "well my teacher showed me to do it different", if you ask "how does your teacher show you to do it?" you get "I dunno"

And if your answer sounds anything like "Well unless your teacher is here to show you now, here is how I do it" then you are a mean and horrible person.

They have something to fix that though (for you not the teenager) it is called Fluoxetine, and it works miracles.

_________________
Darksiege
Traveller, Calé, Whisperer
Lead me not into temptation; for I know a shortcut

Don't be too sure - unless she's been diagnosed by a professional. I've noticed that most pre-teens and teenagers are much better behaved for other adults than they are for their own parents. Unless that adult is a substitute teacher. Then, you may as well be trying to break Fear trying to deal with them.

_________________
"Hysterical children shrieking about right-wing anything need to go sit in the corner and be quiet while the adults are talking."

Are you sure you know what problem you are trying to solve?

Wow, is that an Everquest reference? It's been so long...

Yup!

_________________
"Hysterical children shrieking about right-wing anything need to go sit in the corner and be quiet while the adults are talking."

Appropriate too!

_________________
"Said I never had much use for one, never said I didn't know how to use one!"~ Matthew Quigley

"nothing like a little meow in bed at night" ~ Bruskey

"I gotta float my stick same as you" Hondo Lane

"Fill your hand you son of a *****!"

I suggest guilt and the withholding of affection/approval via expressions of disappointment and sadness. It takes time, but gradually you'll be able to wear down her sense of personal fulfillment and self-actualization until every minor deviation from what she knows your expectations to be will leave her racked by a level of shame and remorse so utterly unbearable that the relatively minor unpleasantness of doing her homework will seem like a walk in the park by comparison.

Worked for my parents anyway.