The Glade 4.0

The performance eval killer: surf the net on any computer you see that has a co-worker logged on.

Not that I do this , of course..

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Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti

I've been meaning to...: Pass an audit without ever reading the procedures you are being audited against.

It keeps on tickin': Four time keeping violations in one quarter.

The thing about the thing: Talk in circles endlessly until the other party just nods their head in agreement

Big PIMPin': Successfully pass off Post-Implementation issues related to your project to the last person who looked at it

It puts the lotion...: Pop the battery out of the automated towel dispenser so you can see who washes their hands by virtue of the fact that their hands are soaking wet after leaving the restroom

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I got Nothin - Keep your job after being confronted with the clear evidence of slacking by owning up to it and offering a sincere apology.

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Holy shitsnacks!

So close, yet so far. - Receive a phone call one minute before signoff time from someone trying to connect remotely through wireless.

I so want Oonagh to come up with a couple related to teaching bratty 7th graders.

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This must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of Thursdays.

Security Process Auditor: Send out enjoyable emails from a coworkers machine who has left their machine unlocked.

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Slacker by Delegation: Assign your tasks to your student workers in order to free up your work day for hanging out on the Glade and FaceBook.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

Hijacker - swap chairs with a coworker because the seat adjustments dont work on yours
OSHA Loves Me - Have more than 5 workplace related injuries
Zookeeper - Find live animals in your cubical
Animal Control Officer - Be the one who catches the live animals running amuck in your facility
Ricky Bobby - Work with a live cougar in your office
Vampire - Arrive before the sun goes up and Leave after the sun goes down for a week straight
Vampire Elder - Arrive before the sun goes up and leave after the sun goes down for a month straight
The Power of Inertia - Remain in the same seat/desk/office for longer than everyone else in your department
Immovable Object - Remain in the same seat/desk/office longer than anyone else in your building other than senior managment
A Permanant Fixture - Remain in the same seat/desk/office longer than anyone
Catered To - Eat more than 50% of your meals in a week at your workplace

Sausagefest - Make a comment about the total lack of women at work.

Antedeluvian - Slumber through a shift due to work exhaustion. Hide your blood from the unquenchable thirst of the underlings.

Unorganized Labor - Turn a wrench you are not allowed to due to union contracts.

Bit off more than I can chew - Go from a completely empty work queue/log to missing three consecutive due dates in a row due to work load.

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"It's real, grew up in trife life, the times of white lines
The hype vice, murderous nighttimes and knife fights invite crimes" - Nasir Jones

The Emperor's New Clothes - Force a project cancellation by pointing out the glaring flaw everyone missed
Kaza-dum - Stand your ground on a project, alone and win despite overwhelming odds, and have the company benifit from it....and then be fired for it.

Did You Plug it In? - solve a complicated problem by spotting the one simple thing that no one else noticed

Mute Challenged: Talk on the phone while muted for 30 seconds or more.

Maverick - Take a call from a supervisor who is admonishing you and get them to apologize within the first minute.

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"...but there exists also in the human heart a depraved taste for equality, which impels the weak to attempt to lower the powerful to their own level and reduces men to prefer equality in slavery to inequality with freedom." - De Tocqueville

I've done both of these. The second one ended with me being reassigned next reorganization. I was less than diplomatic when I did it.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

Leeeeroy Jenkins!!! : Cause the delay of a product or service by causing an entire organization or workgroup to act without adequate planning or direction.

String Theory: Survive a round of layoffs or cuts that included canning people more productive than you by virtue of being the sole possessor of knowledge about a critical (and purposefully under-documented) system, program, or code.

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"Aaaah! Emotions are weird!" - Amdee
"... Mirrorshades prevent the forces of normalcy from realizing that one is crazed and possibly dangerous. They are the symbol of the sun-staring visionary, the biker, the rocker, the policeman, and similar outlaws." - Bruce Sterling, preface to Mirrorshades

this thread is fantastic. I wish I were clever enough to contribute, but keep it up everyone

Gladiator: Use a wrestling move on a client while on the clock

You Are But A Man, Caesar: Get management recognition for using a wrestling move on a client at work

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Women are from Hoboken, men are from Trenton. ~ Jimmy Kimmel

Due to the lack of an apostrophe (secretary's / secretaries'), I read this as either a commendably vulgar or genuinely cannibalistic achievement.

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Go back to zero, take a pill, and get well ~ Lemmy Kilmister

Big Brother- See two employees having sex while using CCTV

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Raell Kromwell

How about

Professional BarFly: Get too drunk to do your job, on the clock, with your boss buying.
BarFly Adept: Talk your boss into doing your job for you under the above circumstances.

(There were parts of that job I loved)

Biohazard: Go to work knowing you should stay home sick

Leper!: Get sent home by management just because you look that sick

Patient Zero: be the first victim of an office-wide mini-epidemic

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Women are from Hoboken, men are from Trenton. ~ Jimmy Kimmel

They Mostly Come out at Night. Mostly. - Be at work before the night cleaning crew. Still be there when the leave.

I get that one on a daily basis.

I put in my two week notice - Watch an entire season of any TV show at work.

8 Seasons of Smallville, 4 Seasons of Scrubs, 3 Seasons of Criss Angel's Mindfreak, and 2 to 3 movies a night

Catered To - Eat more than 50% of your meals in a week at your workplace

Every night. I actually do not get to take a lunch break as leaving the building unsecured is bad juju.

Mute Challenged: Talk on the phone while muted for 30 seconds or more.

Guilty as charged

Biohazard: Go to work knowing you should stay home sick

/raises hand

Leper!: Get sent home by management just because you look that sick

got that one too.

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Darksiege
Traveller, Calé, Whisperer
Lead me not into temptation; for I know a shortcut

Awkward Turtle - Sit through a caller's phone sex while acting as a translator.

Clear the Desk - Have sex on your desk

Liquid Lunch - Drink on your lunch break

Naked Lunch - Hit the Strip Club on your lunch break.

Heroic Naked Lunch - Hit the Strip Club on your lunch break with your boss.

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It feels like all the people who want limited government really just want government limited to Republicans.
---The Daily Show

Ahh, the fine art of dragging out your last call so that you didn't start a new one with 3 minutes to go... finely developed by many an employee.

Poser-telling your coworkers that you got your black eye when you were serving soup at the homeless shelter and a homeless man vaulted over the counter and punched you in the eye while yelling "Die! You Soup Nazi!" because you wouldn't give him a second helping. Then giving them the weird eyebrow eye and walking off.

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Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti