Taskiss wrote:
Diamondeye wrote:
The stepparent absolutely must be involved in parenting at least to some extent, simply because you can't have children being allowed to defy an adult in their own home - period. Once they figure out that they can do this, kids will go out of their way to do it, and that is just as bad or worse for the relationship as the drama involved in an ex not wanting step involvement.
First, what you're talking about isn't parenting, it's equivalent to any relationship the child has to an adult who isn't their parent. There are boundaries, etc, that an adult must hold firm when dealing with any kid. That's not anywhere near parenting.
I saw my step-daughter dealing pot once, just once, but I knew what it was and told my wife, her mother. Darling daughter, golden child extraordinaire, couldn't have possibly been doing that.
Now, had the kid been one I was parenting I'd have had to deal with it. As much as I love my step-daughter I could just let it go.
6 months later, kid turns 18 and self-implodes, doesn't really do anything bad but gets things riled up enough so that three years later there are still hard feeling going 'round, but the fact that I'd seen a drug deal go down was proven when the daughters room was cleared out and a bag of pot found.
Now, I'd have had to tell any neighborhood parent if I saw their kid deal dope, just to let them know even if they don't want to do anything about it. Farther than that I don't go.
Second and bottom line, just ask yourself what part of parenting you would like someone else doing for your kid and realize others may feel even more protective than you.
It doesn't matter what part I'd want. If my kid was living at my ex's house and her husband had rules for that house, it wouldn't be up to me if they obeyed them or not. That's what has to be understood. If you elect to split up with someone, you should expect that the kids will split their time, and that your ex may form a new relationship. You're choosing to give up some of your say in their rearing by splitting up in the first place, unless its a situation where the ex will have no access at all.
As for the dope thing, I'd have gone farther than that, if the kid was living in my house. I would have stopped the dope dealing right there and then searched her room, and if mom didn't like it we'd have a serious talk about me providing a home for the child but her not wanting me to make rules.
Actually, I wouldn't have married someone with a kid unless they wanted me involved in parenting anyhow (which my wife did, and ultimately ended in me adopting her). The parent is almost certainly going to want the step to be involved in the fun times and spend money on the kid, and they should. It's just not reasonable then to expect them to not parent. If the ex doesn't like it, too bad. You're creating just as much drama trying to stay out of parenting as you would getting involved, and you're just encouraging the kid to see how far they can push it.
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