The Glade 4.0

Tired of this year. Tired of losing people from my life. My family (and extended family) are very close. Each birthday/holiday/cookout we are all always together. My wife thought it was weird when she first experienced it. Seems like every little celebration from anniversary to birthdays we always had a full house of people. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, second cousins.. you name it and they were there. For me it seemed natural as that's always how its been.
I go to school (getting my Bachelor's) every other weekend from Fri night at 530 to 930 and Sat from 8 to 5. It is wearing on me. It is an incredibly intense brain workout and between the missing weekends and the nights spend reading/writing papers I'm about to lose it. It started in Jan 09 and I'll be done in Oct this year. I feel like I dont have time to stop and breathe.

About 6 months ago a friend of mine died in a motorcycle accident. He was one of the guys who first helped my when I had problems with my bike. He was also a local computer guy (as I was - we all know each other in town). It was rough because he was my age and died on his bike (I ride).
In December my grandfather was diagnosed with leukemia.
In January my uncle's father in law died. Not a close relation but as close as our family was he was very much missed.
In February, my wife and I hit a helluva bad patch and came close to splitting up. Probably closer than she realized. We are focused on working things out and its really better than ever but we still have our moments.
A few weeks later my best friend and I got into a huge argument. I said stuff I probably shouldn't have and I've lost one of the best friends I ever had.
A couple weeks later I had an interview for my dream job at the one place in the world I want to work (local university). I was again the "number two" candidate. Not an epic loss but frustrating none the less.
I have sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome and insomnia. I've had 2 sleep tests to try and figure out a solution. I haven't had a good night sleep in at least 2 years.
In March the head of my TKD school died. He had been a huge influence on all of us at the school. If it wasn't for TKD I wouldn't have met my wife.
Three weeks ago my great uncle died (Grandfather's brother). He was like a second grandfather to me. His funeral last week was incredibly painful. They honored him with a military ceremony (WWII North Africa). Taps was hard to hear.
This morning my grandfather died. I saw him on Saturday. Every time I saw him I hugged him and told him I loved him. I never knew if it would be the last time. I wish I would have said more.
The only thing positive to come out of this (maybe positive) is my appreciation for those around me. Life is very fragile and very short. Life is also not fair. But as Marcus Cole said " wouldn't it be a terrifying thing if the universe was fair and all the bad things that happened to us - happened because we deserved it? I take comfort in the general hostility and unfairness in the universe".
I don't get angry anymore when people say things that are mean. I'm sure someone is having a bad day. I don't hold things against people because I can't know what they are going through at that particular time. I have an extraordinarily bad temper so this is new. Unfortunately this has lead to me letting people say mean things and I don't say anything back. I want more than anything to just scream and yell at them and tell them how much what they say hurts me. But what good would it do? I'm just tired.

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Hokanu
Duty is a magnificent blessing because it is the sign of trust from the universe.
END OF LINE.

I'm sorry you're having to go through such a troubled time in your life, Hok. I will be praying for you. I only hope that you will allow yourself to focus of the positives in your life, whatever they may be, and to let them lead you toward happiness. I would also hope that you might consider speaking with a counselor or therapist independently of anything you may already be doing with your wife. It sounds like you are in a state of depression, and you are far too important to feel that way.

God bless, and I hope things turn around for you.

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Ezekiel 23:19-20 

Yeah, bummer to hear things are so rough for you right now. Really try to depend on your wife during this time and make an effort to be the best husband you can be. Because when all's said and done, she's the only person who will always be there for you no matter what happens.

I feel your pain on the school stuff. I've felt incredibly overwhelmed for the last couple months. You will make it through. I also feel you on the sleep issues. Hopefully something starts giving you a break.

Endurance, my friend. I'll try to say a couple prayers for you as well.

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The Dude abides.

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I have no sage advice, since I'm in a deep dark pit with seemingly no way out. And I feel ya on the tired part. I'm beyond tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally fatigued. Best of luck to you.

I'm sorry you're having such a bad year... I'd suggest wearing red undies for luck, it seems to work for asians.

On a real note though, take a day off, just one day. Do what makes you happy, share it with your wife if you want, or simply sleep for a whole day, but take that day to recharge your battery. I'd probably suggest this before you go and get happy pills.

Chin up sweetie, this is all done for the good of the future *huggles*

I dunno, there's a lot to be said for happy pills. In a lot of cases, when you're overly stressed, your brain chemistry takes a dump, and doesn't process the way it should. At least that's how my doctor explained it. She is trying to find the right flavor, and has me on Xanax too.

It's pretty bad when 1mg of Xanax every 8 hours doesn't feel like enough.

I'm not even talking about medicating. I'm talking about going to see a professional to help work through problems. Medicating should always be a last resort.

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Ezekiel 23:19-20 

I've been thinking a lot about happy pills lately and have been doing some research. It hasn't been a good year for me either >.< I share your pain Hokanu.

All I can offer is my condolences, Hokanu. You are a cool cat and I'm sorry things have taken such a bad turn for you. I honestly hope that you can pull out of this by any means; please feel free to talk with us about anything. At the end of the day, I think we're all here for eachother.

I'm sorry your year is having a bad start I will send as many good luck vibes your way as I can.
Did they recommend a C-Pap for the sleep apnea? Not getting good sleep due to apnea is really hard on you, I hope you find some answers soon.

Big Kirra hugs!

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Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti

It's all going to be OK. You'll get past this.

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In time, this too shall pass.

I'm sorry for your losses, Hokanu. *hugs*
I lost 3 family members last year and had enough of a breakdown that I had to quit my job. I feel for you, I really do.
Check into the sleep thing, it makes all the difference in the world. Talking to someone about what's going on would be a good idea....losing your best friend and having it rocky with your wife doesn't leave you with a lot of confidants, and its been proven that talking about traumatic and stressful life events is the best way to prevent emotional/physical damage.

Also.....

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

I sympathize, man. Hang in there, and look for funny-colored rocks.

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"Aaaah! Emotions are weird!" - Amdee
"... Mirrorshades prevent the forces of normalcy from realizing that one is crazed and possibly dangerous. They are the symbol of the sun-staring visionary, the biker, the rocker, the policeman, and similar outlaws." - Bruce Sterling, preface to Mirrorshades

Hey dude, LK just called you one of the beautiful people, parlay that into fame and fortune!

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"Dress cops up as soldiers, give them military equipment, train them in military tactics, tell them they’re fighting a ‘war,’ and the consequences are predictable." —Radley Balko

Yeesh, Hokanu, that's rough. Lenas already said it--we're here for you, man.

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Women are from Hoboken, men are from Trenton. ~ Jimmy Kimmel

I'm sorry you're having such a bad year Hokanu, we'll be here to listen and help you =)

I've hesitated to post here, I know that feeling pretty well. Sometimes it helps to just step back, have some quiet time and realize you aren't the first and you won't be the last to go through this type of time in your life. The longer we live, the more people we lose - for any kind of reason. It sucks, but it is life. Nothing stays the same forever.

Dig out some quality Blues, find yourself some alone time, and listen to the masters poor it out.







and many others of course. Those are just some of my favorites for when I just don't want to go on. Sometimes you just have to let the music pull it out of you, screaming, crying, yelling, whimpering, maudlin or firey, music as therapy.

You aren't alone, many of us have been there before. In all honesty, if I didn't have this community I don't think I would still be here. Maybe I would have found another anchor, but this was the one that kept me engaged enough with life to keep on going.

/hugs Hokanu. Hang in there, it gets better, and it is worth it sticking around.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

Hehe that's the wallpaper on my desktop.

I've suffered from depression in the past. I think this is different. It's situational? If that makes sense. This weekend was my grandfather's funeral. It was extraordinarily exhausting but it's good to be with family. I'm hoping this is when things turn the corner. Wife and I leaned on each other a lot over the weekend and we've made a conscious effort to do more stuff together. I know I'll get past it but its just so much crap at one time. Just getting it all written down is a big help. Having the support of you guys makes it even better so a big thanks to you all.

I did finally get a cpap breathing machine thing. Everyone I've talked to says it will make a huge difference. I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep that's for sure. I'm going to make a concerted effort to patch things up with my buddy. Good friends are too far and few between so it is totally worth fighting for.

And LK - it's just the new lens on my camera and a lucky shot haha

Again, thanks guys. It's why I keep coming back to this place after 10 years.

Here's a pic of my grandfather on an island in the South Pacific

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Hokanu
Duty is a magnificent blessing because it is the sign of trust from the universe.
END OF LINE.

Thanks for sharing, Hok.

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Ezekiel 23:19-20 

/hugs Hokanu

My dad has one of those breathing machines....he calls it his "blow job"

and I see where you get your good looks from...your grandfather was a handsome man!!

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"Said I never had much use for one, never said I didn't know how to use one!"~ Matthew Quigley

"nothing like a little meow in bed at night" ~ Bruskey

"I gotta float my stick same as you" Hondo Lane

"Fill your hand you son of a *****!"

Ok, Hokanu, your grandfather was hot and sexy too and don't tell me that was a lucky shot!
Apparently, good looks run in your family.
*hugs* I am sorry that life is choppy and sad right now but I do hope it turns around quickly.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

I agree with Kate! No lucky shot hokanu

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Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti