The Glade 4.0

"It doesn't matter how big they might be, your boss doesn't give a **** **** about whatever personal problems you might be having and you're going to get canned if you don't stop bringing it into work like an idiot." without sounding like an insensitive prick? Because I'm kind of worried about one of my friends with this.

The nice way to say it is:

"It doesn't matter how big they might be, your boss doesn't care about whatever personal problems you might be having, and you're making yourself into a liability for him."

Flat-out.

How about "I know you've got a lot on your mind, but if you let your personal issues intrude on your work life you may find yourself unemployed. Don't make a bad situation worse."

Never critique a fellow employee, either to them or to someone else. No good will come from it

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In time, this too shall pass.

Taskiss is wise, and if you are going to not take his advice, find a non work venue to not take it in. Easier to break and run when the no good comes from it.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

I read it as being a friend of X's who doesn't work at X's place of employment.

This. Unless it's a safety violation.

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"Hysterical children shrieking about right-wing anything need to go sit in the corner and be quiet while the adults are talking."

That's how I read it too.

Could be, it just sounded like a work related thing.

I still see no good coming from it. I've never known anyone who appreciated criticism - constructive or not - about themselves.

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In time, this too shall pass.

"Maybe this isn't the time or place to discuss/do that"?

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I prefer to think of them as "Fighting evil in another dimension"

Tip-toe around it.

So-and-so really seems to respect professionalism above all else.

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I can't offer any advice. I've always been the idiot that brings their personal problems to work. I don't know why, I have just never been really good at setting those boundaries.
I would be careful about what you say and when you say it...some lessons are better learned the hard way.
Depending on how close you are to this person, if its worth it, I would talk to them outside of the workplace and tell them that the boss is very strict about this sort of thing.
However, keep in mind that if this is a person who cannot manage to keep all their personal problems out of their work life, then chances are that they are going to be easily offended and possibly upset when you point it out to them and that it might cost them their job.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

Don't tip toe around it. If you think it will really get them canned, pull them aside and correct it. Flat out. You're not doing them any favors by sugar-coating it.