The Glade 4.0

have fun Lex and don't worry

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Ron Paul 2012

Is your brother okay?

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

I have some insomnia (not from being manic...) so I will write more. I am glad that my posts amuse you Rynar, and I hope my posts are more towards the value side and less towards the spam side.

I changed my mind about going away. I change my mind a ton about a lot of things. However I will still try to spend less time on the Internet. It is my comfort zone, the Tom Bombadil's cabin kind of thing, and I want to spend more time braving the frontiers of my life.

The "great prophet" quip is more of a mindset... and admittedly, mild insanity. But anyways I want to identify with the positive aspects of my ego and eradicate the negative. I want to strongly slash away at all resistance. I don't want to sit around and be lazy. I haven't been really, but I've been living life 70% instead of 95%. I want to do chores the moment they spawn. I want to bravely talk to all cute girls I see, and feel like I'm above all the young homeless people. Some have very cool vibes and very strong personalities, so this is actually quite difficult. Furthermore, I want to excel at my job instead of meandering on the Internet, refreshing the same pages and being lost in my mind. I also want to start working out again and eating healthier. It might feel too painful to attempt all these at once, but these are goals I'm working towards.

To get girls, I need a strong healthy ego. I need to genuinely feel high value and better than other people. This is the motivation for my self improvement. I'm not doing it for myself, for my friends, or my family. I don't care what people think of me. I just want the girls. I need to feel good about myself to get the girls. Why do I want the girls? It's fun and makes life very interesting. It leads to constant adventures. The walking around is good exercise. Getting girls doesn't make me a better person. But I need to feel like a better person to get the girls.

That's why I need to push ahead in life 95% instead of 70%. Most people probably do 50% - 80% and they are dumber than me. I'm smarter than almost everyone, this is fact, and I can use it to my advantage. My craziness is a slight detriment and could add to negativity in my mind, so that is a constant battle. I want everything in my mind to be positive, and I want to be able to sneer at everyone less than me because they really are less.

My brother is doing great, Micheal. He lucked into getting a fantastic job as an analytical chemist. I mean lucked because he has 0 job experience and nearly failed out of his major. I thought he would be pushing shopping carts at Kmart. Also he bikes to work which is 2 hours both directions.

That's your problem.

You need to start doing things for yourself, start listening to people and truly caring and understanding what they think of you and your relationship to them, and then people will think you are better than them....scratch that, they won't think you're better. They'll just think you're interesting and want to talk to you. Then it's your job to realize that you're not better than them or worse than them, but the same...reflections of one another. Stop worrying about what they think of you. Then, instead of gawking at yourself in the mirror (so to speak), you can look at them, and they can look at you, and you can go on to develop a healthy relationship with a woman.

/dr. phil off


Oh, and insomnia isn't insomnia...maybe you just have energy you don't know how to direct in a useful way...wristing one off ain't helping, so why not try to sort out your thoughts somehow instead of trolling and blaming everyone else for not understanding you and labeling you as crazy? It's much easier to blame people, because they are infact, dipsh*ts, though, that much I will admit. So if you want people to quit acting like dipsh*ts you have to do the same.

Follow my advice, man.

Lead by example, not with an iron fist (or head)





Trust me. You'll thank me later.

End of thread.

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Ron Paul 2012

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In time, this too shall pass.

My doctor had me increase my anti-psychotic/anti-anxiety medication, and now I'm feeling better already. I think with the increased dosage, my mind won't run out of control like it has in the past. My delusions of grandeur will be diminished, for example.

I've also worked for two straight hours without browsing the Internet... an accomplishment. I changed my mind about going to the gym. It is too much effort. Also I can still have a high opinion of myself without trying too hard in life. I don't care as much about getting girls but I will still try to since it's my hobby.

Tonight I have a date with some girl who messaged me on my Okcupid account. So that might be fun. No part of the dating process is exciting or stressful to me. It's just the same thing over and over.

I still haven't met someone who is really compatible with me personality-wise. If that happened, it could become exciting again.

It's like watching Andy Kaufman. I love it.

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I'd have to go with Joaquin Phoenix.

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"Dress cops up as soldiers, give them military equipment, train them in military tactics, tell them they’re fighting a ‘war,’ and the consequences are predictable." —Radley Balko

I love my anti-psychotics... I can barely hear my own mind talk... so I just observe stuff happening and observe myself interacting with the world. I don't observe my mind and thoughts as much... it's like background noise. I feel like I'm watching a screen saver that never ends. Living life on autopilot.

So who is driving exactly while you observe? If you're asked a question who is answering?

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I think I exaggerated the effects of my medication. Basically they just calm me down and make me think less craziness. The whole observer and autopilot thing is just relative to how I felt before. When I'm on a lower dosage, even small decisions can be a huge deal to me and cause enormous amounts of anxiety. Like whether I should browse the Internet or do my work, if I should talk to a girl or not, what words I should type to a person. In fact I would get so much anxiety over the smallest decisions and actions that it would feel like "Either you do this now, or you will have to kill yourself". Not a healthy line of thought. So far I haven't experienced that on my higher dosage, although it's only been one day. It feels like I more automatically make decisions without anxiety at every corner. So life is smoother, like I'm on autopilot.

I still go out nearly every day to talk to strangers. I've been going to Harvard Square and have made friends with some of the young homeless. The rest accept or tolerate me. Lately I've been spending most of my time chatting with them. I've really learned a lot since they all have very unique and often vibrant personalities. They've definitely helped socialize me. I learned that I can't and shouldn't try to dominate every social situation. Rather, I should just be myself. There's many reasons for this that I won't go into.

I've grown bored of every social thing I can do. I don't get a rise out of anything now. That is unless someone is being especially entertaining, or when a homeless person decides to be confrontational with me for no reason (I always back down). Talking to random girls is boring. Talking to 4 strangers at once is boring. Getting phone numbers is boring. Getting dates is boring. Texting girls is boring. Having girls in my apartment (or entering theirs) is still fun, but it takes so much effort to make it happen. And it's not exciting anymore, just fun.

I've grown apathetic to the entire process of meeting girls and getting dates. I haven't been approaching nearly as many girls as before. I will change this, however. I still don't have a girlfriend and I need one. I don't want to be single my entire life, and now is the best time to fix that. I just want to find someone compatible who looks decent. This is apparently very difficult to achieve. But I can't give up.

At least visiting my ex in Wales will be a nice vacation.

Well it seems like you are very intelligent and approaching things scientifically and if you stay positive you can get what you want.



I can see both sides to these types of meds....same with ADD medication, people complain that they feel like a zombie of some kind...I bet sometimes more than others.

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Ron Paul 2012

I'm trying to be intelligent about it all. For example I could have gotten into three fights already if I wasn't being careful. Seriously, some people out there are really scary. I also try to stay positive, but it's harder to find motivation for my hobby since it's no longer exciting. I've always been the same way with video games... after a few months I usually quit.



I've felt like a zombie before, especially because risperidone tightens my facial muscles and it's hard to not be like Clint Eastwood. It's also a sedative and reduces my energy level, which is annoying. But it's still better than having anxiety and delusional thoughts in my opinion.

edit:

Honestly, I might just take a break and play computer games. It's getting really tiring. Talking to people is fun, but it's frustrating to keep starting conversations with people who might want nothing to do with you.

Alright, I'm officially done with this hobby for a long time. It's just not new anymore. I get like this with all hobbies. I only persist with things where I have to (school, work...). I'm done with this thread. I might make new threads about other stuff.

.

Have you had a medication change recently? Something that you can identify that brought this on three weeks ago?

I don't think it was three weeks specifically, that was a very rough estimate... and I increased one of my dosages for 2 days and then decreased it. I think that spurred it on. I deleted my post because it was too weird and made me uncomfortable to re-read.

However, today I feel somewhat better. I'm still low-ish energy, but no dark thoughts. I'm actually in a positive mood right now. Sometimes I worry that I'm in depression but it's actually just a bad mood that persists for a while. Or maybe it is? I don't really know.

Today I talked to 2 girls and got 2 numbers... one was at Starbucks and the other works at a cafe in a bookstore. The latter gave me a huge hint by re-introducing herself after 5 minutes. So I said we could maybe exchange contact info, and then she wrote her number and Facebook on a napkin. I didn't do anything special, just was low-energy and normal. Take that, depression!

Crap! I forget who she is! Unfortunately I have asked innumerable girls to icecream. I'm trying to remember the name "Morgan"...

edit:

I think I remember now but I'm not sure.

Doesn't matter if you remember her. You didn't know her when you introduced yourself the first time. Just set up a time/place and have a good time. Maybe you will find out that she likes ice cream sundaes topped with wiener.

Ice cream sundae topped with weiner?

Rofl..this really got me

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Dream as if you'll live forever...
...Live as if you'll die tomorrow

Vivere Senza Rimpianti

Me too. I laughed. And added it to the quotes....

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

I didn't agree with you before, but now I'm understanding more.

Socializing, with people who aren't old friends, is like building sandcastles on the beach. Most castles won't survive high tide. Even if you make them nice and pretty, they crumble when the waves come in. You can build as many as you like, which is quite tiring, but they almost all crumble. The one or two that survive are great, but are still just sand on the beach. You can't own it. They barely make you happier and take constant maintenance to survive the next tides. Not to mention you'll kick them over more often than not (or maybe that's just me...).

Building sand castles is fun... but I built too many. I'm all worn out. I only talk to my family now and my roommate, and see old friends about once per week.