The Glade 4.0

Maybe you will find out that she likes ice cream sundaes topped with wiener.

I suppose I looked at heavenly souls as drugged-up drones. Maybe more like happy zombies. Happy zombies without a craving for brains.

In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. - George Carlin

Were these posted out of order?

I could have told you all of this. Sometimes I feel like Cassandra around this place.

Once, long ago in a faraway land (Germany) I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I didn't turn the light on because I didn't want wake the baby, and I don't need glasses to pee, so I didn't see that the seat was up. Ever been to Germany? They like to examine their poop, so the toilets have these weird ledges that seem perfect for whacking a tailbone. Of course, I pissed myself at that point, but that's not the end of my suffering. The bathroom was an old converted closet with a sloped roof, which is fine when you are sitting normally, but caused me to whack my head standing up from the plunge. So now my butt bone hurts, and I've whacked my head and I'm wet... and I'm going to go kill my husband. I head back to the room and (remember no glasses?) run into the door edge-on. this splits my forehead, which bleeds profusely, but more importantly it causes me to stumble backwards and fall down the stairs. Mercifully, this knocks me out (and my husband slept right through it). A few hours later the trash guy comes along and finds a bloody bruised woman naked and unconscious/dead in front of a picture window and calls the polizei. German police don't have any hassles like warrants or Miranda rights, they bust down the door, which DOES wake Eric. He stumbles downstairs only to be grabbed and cuffed by shouting Germans. It's about at this point that I wake up. Neither of us speaks German, and they didn't think to bring a translator (we're off base but in an area dedicated to military housing), so while I'm dazed and hurting I'm trying to explain that this isn't an issue of domestic violence, just domestic stupidity. I ended up getting a robe and pantomiming the whole thing. They laughed at me, and the one woman officer there whacked Eric upside the head. Amazingly, the baby slept through the whole thing.

Eric never again left the seat up while we were married (though it was less than a year before I left him). I did see a facebook entry from his current wife saying that he's such a wonderful man he never forgets. I wonder if she's heard how he learned? You're welcome, Carmen!

No, my attitude stems from the fact my cows don't leave the barn even if the door is open and I don't care about another guys cows in the first place, but the bigger question is, why should we be afraid of an open door?

In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. - George Carlin

Me: That's uh, a little tragic actually. You know I'm married and my wife is a really good shot right?

I guess I feel like the only people who should fear surveillance are criminals...

Oh and when I was younger I thought a BJ involved a blowtorch...

We are totally going to have a cow when we move to Idaho. Because we love BBQ like, for real.

Seems to me that a lot of the thing we do to impress the opposite gender are really things to impress our own gender with our superior opposite-gender-getting skills.

EQ2: fighting alcoholism and encouraging it at the same time!

In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. - George Carlin

Oh shut up. You're smarter than that.

I had a very nice, wireless Logitech mouse that had an actual ball, rather than optical. I loved that mouse, but I screwed it up in an embarrassing way.

I can see how some guys might feel a little unmanly, but I consider a girl screaming, "Oh Sarah! Oh Sarah!" to be useful information.

To be fair, elders have a bad habit of thinking they're putting younger folks in their place when really they're just forgetting they're talking to another adult.

If American Choppers and the Antiques Roadshow got together for a steamy night of passion and romance, and nine months later had a kid, Pawn Stars would be the result of that illicit affair.

In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. - George Carlin

I probably wouldn't be working so hard on Kalu'ak faction if they didn't look like Jamie Hyneman.

Maybe I'm just rusty

It really depends on how you define "the".

In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. - George Carlin

Squirrels are a threat. They must be terminated with extreme prejudice.

In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. - George Carlin

By dying earlier than women who don't do this.

$8 an hour jobs are meant to be stepping stones to better paying jobs, not lifetime career choices.

You should write children's books.

Sanitary? Just pee off the deck! And if it doesn't already have a poop deck, we'll make one.