The Glade 4.0

I don't even know where to start. Well, I'll start by saying yesterday sucked. It's been something I was sort of expecting, but it's one of those things you never really fully prepared to hear. No, my fiancé didn't leave me. No, my loved ones are not ill.

It all started about 12-15 years ago, back when I was only 10-13ish. My Mom loved to go vacation in Cancun, or really anywhere warm. At first, she'd find ways to go a couple times a year, but then it became a lifestyle. For a good 10 year stretch, she was going 6-8+ times a year, even if a few of them were only three day weekend trips. It was an obsession of hers. I don't know if it was because she was tired of her mundane 50-70+ hour work weeks, or what. I only knew she would go WAY too much. I'm talking about a woman in her 40's, married for 15+ years, leaving her husband behind 8 times a year to go to Cancun. Obviously, there's a bit of an issue there. I've known that for a long time. Now, my Mom is 54 years old, still going constantly. For the past four or five years my parents have been distant, but they put on a good show. My Dad puts on the show that he doesn't mind, when really it's ripping him apart. My Mom puts on the show and acts like what she's doing isn't ripping their marriage, now of 25 years, apart.

So now comes yesterday, and I haven't even started with the story. My Dad tells me and my finance that he has something extremely important, and quite life changing to talk to us about. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention our apartment lease was up a few weeks back, so we're in the parent's basement until we figure our next step out. So after hearing this from my Dad, I assume he's going to bring up that they're getting a divorce, at least once he clarified and assured me that no one had cancer, or anything like that. When your older parents give you that look and say they have "big, life changing news," it tends to get you worrying about the cancer thing. Thank God, it wasn't.

He tells me how this has been going on for a long time, and he has mountains of evidence, but my Mom is cheating on him with a man in Cancun. Was I surprised? Not really. Was it still hard to hear? Yes. However, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Apparently, my Dad discovered some pictures in some drawers in the house of her going wild in Cancun, and I mean disturbingly wild. I'm 25 and I'm saying it was some bad stuff, so that's telling you something. Along with the pictures, my Dad discovered some spermicide, which he knew wasn't for him because she'd "turned off the love light a long time ago." Later, he stumbled upon a seperate Sprint account which had the nickname "Cancun-Mike" for the account. Through research, he discovered that she had given him a phone. Now the shocking part. The phone account was activated over THREE years ago. So, my Dad was in a way paying for them to talk and text back and forth. With the information he uncovered, he managed to get access to the account online, where he stumbled upon the saved texts that she'd sent recently. They were beyond disturbing. After seeing the pictures and hearing these texts, I may be scarred for life. I can't even look at my Mom the same way again.

Unfortunately, that's not it. After all of this, he discovered some pills. Anti-depressants were uncovered, though that makes sense with her situation. If only those were the only pills he discovered. Additionally, he discovered Valtrex. The prescription was for "daily," and for a large dosage. After gathering all of this evidence, he approached my Mom. He cried his eyes out, but ultimately forgave her. She denied everything and lied, that is until he pulled out even bigger evidence that was hard to ignore. Oh yeah, he also pulled up the man's Facebook page, the one she was having an affair with. He's some big DJ in Cancun; essentially, a walking STD. It adds up.

So what does my Mom do after all of this? She tells him she's sorry. After that, she gets a huge attitude and bashes him for questioning her wishes to go back to Cancun, despite the fact that she has just been caught. She then claims she's going to the Bahamas with a friend. Later, after returning from the "Bahamas," my Dad discovers an email where she tells this guy in Cancun how she had a ton of fun with him. Another lie. Then, just this past week, she went to Cancun again. This time, she had a huge elaborate story about this fictional "Jackie," who's the friend of her friend, who's husband is going and has a extra airline points to use. She was lying to all of us about this, trying to make it sound believable. On her scheduled day of arrival, my Dad drove three hours to the airport to see if there were any other people who hopped off the flight. Nope. It was just her and her usual devious friend, the two that always go together.

This was the last straw for my Dad, and he had to tell me about it finally. This spying and research on his part has been going on for over nine months now. He has kept this to himself for over nine months! My Dad is the most amazing, caring, laid back guy you could ever find. He's the coolest Dad ever. I can't believe how much he's kept his composure throughout this. On the inside, I know he's completely ripped apart. He still loves her, and I know that's the only reason he continues to put up with this. He doesn't want to ruin her life by bringing this all out to the rest of the family, including my sister.

My sister and I have speculated for years, but he made me promise not to tell her. He thinks she'll be devastated and hate her or something. Honestly though, I know my parents' marriage is probably done. I really feel like my Mom needs an intervention though. She's almost 55 years old and she is going out of control with this crazy double life. Just to give you further evidence of how ridiculous it is, she skimmed $500 off my sister's insurance money to get cosmetic facial surgery (obviously to look young so she can continue her lifestyle). She got a $5000 boob-job only a year ago, obviously for this guy in Cancun. Also, she's been sending him money and care packages, money that my Dad helped make. She's completely out of control and I'm worried for her. I'm beyond worried about their relationship at this point. I accepted that they were probably going to get divorced a long time ago. I'm worried about what kind of life my Mom is living. I know this DJ doesn't really care about my Mom, but she's absolutely delusional.

I'm not sure if I should talk to my sister about it or not. I really think the only way to help my Mom is for both of us to intervene. She resents my Dad too much at this point, and she's too defensive with him. My Dad doesn't want my Mom's problems to be out in the open because it'd ruin the family, and I mean ruin. However, I think the only chance of her getting better is for the few people she does love to confront her. Wouldn't it be terrible of me to just sit back and watch this all go down, especially without ever letting my sister know before it's too late? I'm having trouble dealing with this. It's like straight out of a movie or something.

Oh yeah, I also found out my aunt was cheating on her husband as well during the same period. My Mom was actually offering advice and support to my uncle when he was going through the post-affair issues. She actually had the audacity to offer support on how to deal with her sister cheating on him, while she was actively cheating on my Dad. If my Mom's problems come out, my aunt and uncle will likely divorce as well, which includes three kids under 18 still. My dying Grandpa would think terribly of both of his only two daughters. It'd just be terrible. I really don't know what to do. I feel so bad for my Dad.

Lastly, I should mention that they can't get divorced. Due to my Mom's recklessness, they can't afford it. I don't know what kind of refinancing and reverse mortgages, or whatever, they have on this house, but I'm pretty sure they can't sell it. They need to just live in it and hope it bounces back with the economy. So after all of this, they're going to probably have to just live together, even though there will be huge resentment. Great timing to move back home with my finance, huh? If you've managed to read this far, nice work! The crazy part is that I didn't include a ton of the details. It really is a ridiculous story.

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At least the story was missing the line where you found out the affair started before you were born and its likely your dad isn't.

It could be worse, but still sucks to go through that. Not sure sorry is enough.

That's some **** right there.

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"It is true that democracy undermines freedom when voters believe they can live off of others' productivity, when they modify the commandment: 'Thou shalt not steal, except by majority vote.' The politics of plunder is no doubt destructive of both morality and the division of labor."

****' a. Hard to believe one person could ruin so many lives. Your dad sounds like a saint, I couldnt' handle that ****. I'd lean toward telling my sister, but I don't envy your situation

Best of luck man.

That's seriously messed up, but am I the only one who thinks it's inappropriate for parents to discuss details like this with their kids?

My Mom has never shown any signs of being anything but a great person. I suppose she hides it well. Still, she's always been there for everyone. She's a very caring person, which makes it even crazier to think about it. She really is living a double life.

As for my Dad discussing this with me, I find it fine. My Dad and I talk about whatever. He couldn't tell one part of the story without telling the details, because future parts of the story hinged on those details. There wasn't any easy way to go about it for him. I'm glad he did tell me, as I can't imagine him having to carry this burden alone.

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Wow.

I'll pray for you and your family...it's all I can do.

That was my first thought, if it happened to me I'd not want to burden my kids with it. Bad enough that I have to go through it.

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In time, this too shall pass.

Maybe thats how bad dad is hurting....its gotta be tough to make a grown man cry and go to his kids for emotional support.

I'm sorry this is happening in your family.
I know you want to help your mother, but dude, your dad is the victim here not her. Your mother is a grown woman and needs to suffer the consequences of her actions....the rest of it is between your mom and dad. I'd offer your dad a shoulder to cry on or spend some extra father-son time with him but I'd stay out of any further involvement.
Really shitty position you're in...I'm so sorry.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Jesus of Nazareth

Yeah, bummer all of this is happening. If your dad told you and doesn't want you telling your sister, then I don't see that it's your business to freely tell unless your sister directly confronts you about what your mom is doing. I think your parents need to decide on their own how they want to handle their business.

Your relationship with your mom, however, is your business though. I feel you have every right to talk to her, privately, about your feelings. I don't feel anybody should feel they have to live a lie. Realistically, if your aunt and uncle divorce, that's still on them despite your mom's influence. If your grandfather finds out, then it's your mother's and aunt's fault.

Most importantly, try to determine how this could have possibly been prevented and make sure your own relationship isn't vulnerable to this. Make sure you're meeting your woman's needs and vice versa. Be accountable to each other because you want to show your love for each other, not because you're distrustful.

And just in case... this isn't your fault.

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The Dude abides.

Well, it's not just your parents' business. If your parents get a divorce, this is going to be the reason why. This does affect you and your sister. Your father didn't just tell you all of that because he wanted help or wanted someone to talk to, he told you because he felt you deserved to know.

Your father also sounds like he's trying to protect your mother from her bad decisions, which is something that quite frankly, she doesn't deserve and he doesn't owe her. Anything he might have owed her, he's long since repaid by funding her trips to Cancun to cheat on him. He may still love her, but someone's gotta look out for him, and he probably won't do it himself. Men going through a divorce often convince themselves that they still love their wife, and they end up getting walked on because of it. Your mother's walked on your dad enough.

You're an adult now, and I assume your sister is as well. The two of you may have to be the ones to look out for your dad if he won't protect his own neck. That may mean you end up having to tell the rest of your family.

I'm not saying you should go tell your sister right now. Your father doesn't want you to, and you should respect his wishes. But you damn sure should try to convince him to tell her himself. You're in your twenties. It's a long life to keep that kind of secret. That's the kind of **** that'll eat at you. You don't need that, and you don't owe it to your mother to protect her. She's been lying to you for roughly half your life. It's not your responsibility to make sure she doesn't get caught, especially when she already was.

This isn't the same as if your mother had gotten caught ten years ago. Back then, maybe your parents could've worked this out. Maybe you and your sister wouldn't have needed to know. Things got a little rocky, but they worked it out and the kids don't ever need to know about how close they came to a divorce. That ship sailed years ago. This is a twelve to fifteen year thing. Your mother's been cheating on your dad, using his own money to do it, and stole money from your sister. There's no "working it out." You also aren't kids who are too young to understand.

You are an adult, which not only means you're old enough to understand, but also to help them. Respect your dad's wishes, not by keeping this from your sister, but by letting him be the one to tell her. Maybe your mother needs an intervention. Maybe she does need real help. You might have to be the one to provide that help. She is your mother, and although you don't owe it to her to keep her secret for her, you do owe it to her to get her some help.

Again, I'm not saying run out and start telling people today. What I'm saying is there's a time limit on how long you can keep silent.

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Buckle your pants or they might fall down.

Everyone should obviously be in full communication with each other. If I found out something about my parents, I would immediately tell my brother, and vice versa. All this secretive nonsense is juvenile.

Sounds like people cannot afford to not divorce.

I'd disown my mom. I'd also tell my sister.

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"...but there exists also in the human heart a depraved taste for equality, which impels the weak to attempt to lower the powerful to their own level and reduces men to prefer equality in slavery to inequality with freedom." - De Tocqueville

Wow man that is just awful, I am very sorry to hear that. It's really sad how some people don't realize and/or care how their actions affect those who love them.

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Your mother sounds like my ex-wife

Talk it over with your Dad. It sounds like he didn't tell her because his relationship with her isn't as solid, and he's worried that she won't believe him and will side even more strongly with your Mom.

Point out that, as Coro mentioned, this concerns her, too, and offer to help break it to her if you both decide that you'd be a more trustworthy "safe" source in her eyes. I think this is something I'd want to tell my sibling, but at the same time, it's not *just* your call.

Taamar, the alternative is to leave the kids wondering the rest of their lives as your marriage sours and you get a divorce (eventually). That's probably a worse option, for both the victim of the affair (as the blame gets spread equally for the divorce or resentment, at BEST) and for the kids, who don't get closure on the reasons behind the destruction of their family.

Of course, showing the kids the pictures makes the mind boggle. I'm don't think I'd want to handle that. You say there are pictures? I believe you, just KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME!

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"Aaaah! Emotions are weird!" - Amdee
"... Mirrorshades prevent the forces of normalcy from realizing that one is crazed and possibly dangerous. They are the symbol of the sun-staring visionary, the biker, the rocker, the policeman, and similar outlaws." - Bruce Sterling, preface to Mirrorshades

After talking with my Dad, I kind of convinced him that it'd be best to tell my sister, without many of the hurtful details I've mentioned above. Last night, I called her. She cried, but she told me she was glad that I told her. "I would've been pissed if you didn't tell me."

I think it would've been incredibly hard to live a lie in front of my sister. It's our Mom we're talking about, she deserves to know too. She does side with my Dad in this case because she knows my Mom has issues. On the positive side, it's bringing my family closer together, with the exception of my Mom.

I'm not sure how this is going to work out, but I'm glad my sister lives over three hours away from home now. I wouldn't want her to have to deal with this on a daily basis like me.

Thanks for the thoughts, prayers, and opinions.

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Ouch, that sucks Roophus.

It sounds to me like your dad can't afford NOT to get divorced. He's going to be hemorraging money until he does.

Not really my place to say much, and I'm a stranger to you, but since you posted this I will give my thoughts.

Unless you mom has some sort of medical condition (like a tumor in the brain that is making her do crazy things, which is doubtful) I don't think intervention will do one damn thing to help. Your mom is 55......and you are who you are. If she is dishonest enough to do these things, then she's not going to all of a sudden get "better" or be "better". She is the type of person who will cheat, lie, steal, etc.....from her own family.

This sucks for you, the child, because she's still your mother. You have to figure a way to resolve this within yourself as well. How do you feel towards someone who is your parent, but is a bad person. Not an easy task, and I wish the best with it. Noone can tell you this answer, and no answer is wrong or right.

Unless your dad is equally crazy, I don't see how this marriage can avoid divorce at some point. If your dad (parents) are hurting financially, they will hurt even more with this type of behavior. He will likely have to cut his losses, and figure out a way to work it out on his own. Maybe eventually you will be in some sort of place to help.

As for you part in all this? I would say your part is to simply offer your help to your dad if he needs/wants it. Otherwise, let them work it out. They are your parents, but they are also grown people. If your mom is as you say.....not sure you can say much to her that will help matters. Seems from what you say, she's basically burnt her bridges with the entire family in lieu of her own fantasy/fun. Her call.

Your job is to take care of those you love, that are willing to be a part of your family. If one of them starts destroying that family (no matter which person) then you have to figure how to cut them out of the circle.

I guess you can still "love" your mother, but not actually like her....

rough **** to deal with man. Wish you the best.

I echo Corolinth completely.

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Ezekiel 23:19-20 

Roophus,

I got nothing here man. Be strong. I hope everything works out for you.

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Darksiege
Traveller, Calé, Whisperer
Lead me not into temptation; for I know a shortcut

Sorry to hear. She really deserves to be served and she doesn't deserve a shred of sympathy. Doesn't mean you can't forgive her, but I agree that nothing is going to change her.

Your dad should get help to get out of this situation before it ruins what little he has left.

A quick update:

I did convince my Dad to tell my sister about the situation. Now that she knows, at least the three of us can talk about it together. My Dad is still adamant about not allowing us to talk to our Mom about our knowledge of her scandalous activity. He claims she will blame him for ruining her life and he doesn't want to rip the family apart. It may sound like a ridiculous excuse, but he has a point. She will seriously try to bring him down and ruin his life if he tries anything that would jeopardize her reputation with her family, since family is number one for her. With my Dad's cardiovascular health, I really don't think that kind of stress on his life would be a good thing.

I guess it's a no win situation.

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No, her family isn't number one for her. If it was, she wouldn't be banging Cancun Mike six to eight times a year. She also wouldn't have hidden the fact that she has herpes from her husband. Yes, she's going to ruin his life. News flash: she already has! It doesn't matter if your dad doesn't want to rip the family apart - that's out of his hands. It already happened.

It's a ridiculous excuse, but he doesn't have a point. He's wimping out and letting her trample over what dignity he has left. He can't have it both ways. He can't keep your mother's infidelity a secret and protect his family. He's gotta pick one.

Let me point something else out - what's he afraid of losing? His kids? The court can't award custody of you to your mother.

Your dad is reeling from the shock. He's hurt, betrayed, and confused, and your mother's continuing to take advantage of him. Get your dad to see a therapist. Then get him to see a lawyer. **** helping your mother. I rescind that comment. Get your dad some help.

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Buckle your pants or they might fall down.

I would support your father if I were you. In any way I could. Your mother isn't going to change. She's way past help and frankly...I don't think she deserves it anyway. I know if I would never be able to forgive my mother for cheating on my father or my father cheating on my mother.

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Los Angeles Kings 2014 Stanley Cup Champions

"I love this **** team right here."
-Jonathan Quick