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My mother is such a mess psychologically there is just no getting through to her. No matter the facts of the matter, she makes up a reality that coincides with the resolution that she sees fit.
The issue that prompted the OP is as follows:
We don't want the baby sleeping for more than 3 hours at a stretch during the day. Whether we are right or wrong isn't the case here. This is what we heard from the Pediatrician and this is what we are trying to stick to.
I picked him up the other day from my parents and in asking the typical questions, "when did he eat? Did he poop? How long did he sleep?" My mother tells me that he slept for 4 hours straight. With no chip on my shoulder, with no attitude whatsoever, I simply said, "Mom, please don't let him sleep that long during the day." (Mind you that Oonagh is NOT here for this initial confrontation). Immediately Mom's defenses went up and she started questioning me why. I explained my reasons much as I just did above and she chooses to not accept it, instead substituting why she won't do it. "I would never wake a sleeping baby." and "If he's hungry, he'll wake up on his own." I restated my wishes and how this is what Oonagh and I want, left it at that and went along my way.
Fast forward to the weekend. We are out and about and my parents had called me earlier telling me that they wanted to come over and see the baby. Since we were in the vicinity, we decided to just drop by their house with him. This time it is the three of us, myself, Oonagh and Sean. I had already shared my little confrontation with my mother with Oonagh prior to this visit. We were sitting in the living room, the three of us, my mom and my dad and Sean was asleep in his carseat. Normal stilted conversation ensued as I can't stand talking to my mother, my mother doesn't talk to Oonagh and my dad keeps to himself and is afraid to speak up to anyone. Shortly, it moves to the subject of Sean sleeping and again I let my mom know that we don't let him sleep for more than 3 hours straight. Immediately, the defenses go up again and she goes on about how she would never wake a sleeping baby. No matter that he is the most pleasant baby ever and doesn't mind being waked up. We exchange a little and then Oonagh decided to help me by speaking up and saying this is what we want. Right there, my mom decides that Oonagh is "arguing" with her and says "Don't argue with me." There was no argument on either Oonagh's or my part. We were simply stating OUR wishes for OUR child to an unresponsive, defiant grandmother.
We tried telling her that it is what we heard from the Pediatrician and she counters with "Why do you listen to him? You should do what is right for your baby." We try and tell her that we trust the DR. and she counters with "When I had questions, I asked my mother." When I had enough, I made myself clear as crystal that I wasn't going to take dissent, or accept any commentary from her when it comes to what we want for our son. I told her that we are trying to get him into a routine so that he can sleep through a night. She comes back with "He's a baby, not a robot. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, you get up and give him a bottle." I was almost at my end of restating why she's going to do what it is that we ask and she finally says "You're the one who said he's always cranky" and "I raised two children" (My mom yelled at me when I described the baby as "FUSSY".) I had had it, I picked up the baby and we were on our way.
OH!! I almost forgot...my dad sat there the entire time staring at the wall as the "argument" escalated between me and mom. Did he once say, "Um, Lucille. Sean is their child. Why don't you do what they ask?" No he won't speak up and, as Elmo perfectly put it, he is now soullessly compliant. The only thing he chimed in was "Come on now, stop arguing." when the situation was already completely beyond repair.
I made a phone call later that evening to my parents to make something perfectly clear, but first...
Ring, ring, ring...hang up. Ring, ring, ring...hang up. Ring, ring, ring...answering machine.
Mom, dad...I know you were parents, but Sean is our son. Don't question us. Do what we ask and don't give us any commentary on why we are either wrong or you don't want to.
2 days later...Oonagh drops the baby off in the morning. My dad is in the kitchen, they exchange good mornings and mom is yet nowhere to be found. As Oonagh is giving the morning baby report to dad, mom comes STOMPING into the room, (Mom weighs 100 and nothing pounds) with an evil stare on her face and says nothing. Oonagh leaves with nothing else said.
I pick him up later that day and as I walk into the house, it is like nothing ever happened. Mom is happy as a clam playing with the baby and happy to see daddy walking into the house. She gave me the afternoon baby report, I packed him up and made my way out to the car. As I loaded him into the car, my mom suddenly plaintively states "Don't storm out of the house like you did." "Dad and I were so upset" "Don't argue with us where you're here." Obviously, she didn't hear a word of any of what I said. I told her once again that I wasn't arguing with her, only stating what we wanted for Sean and she was the one arguing with us. This is not how she saw it and has now projected the blame on me and by extension, Oonagh. She sees it as resolved with me, but doesn't seem to care about Oonagh.
This morning, Oonagh drops off baby. Dad in kitchen, mom nowhere to be seen. My mom chooses to exclude Oonagh from her little family and it is ripping Oonagh apart because she is a good woman, a wonderful wife to me and she doesn't deserve to be treated like an outcast.
My mom has so many problems and my dad never stepped up to resolve any of them. She gets away with whatever she wants and never holds any blame for doing anything wrong. As of this morning, Oonagh is done with her. No more Thanksgiving dinner with them, Christmas morning, etc...
Frankly, I don't blame her. My mom has never treated Oonagh as she deserves. I will never understand why as she is the one thing in this life that makes her son happiest and this is apparentely all she wants. I will confront her this afternoon when I go to pick up the child and she will deny any wrongdoing, I just know it. In her mind, she has done nothing wrong. She has "reconciled" (so she thinks) with me and that's all that matters. She will continue to treat Oonagh like an outsider, not the mother of her first and only grandchild.
As we don't know how to make our own resolution to this long, ongoing family strife, Oonagh and I are now looking to speak with a family counselor. We need professional help, we are dying a little inside every time we have to deal with my mother and it isn't fair to us.
Sorry for the longness, but I have so much pent up inside about this, I could go on for hours.
F*** you, mom.
_________________ This must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of Thursdays.
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