The Glade 4.0

So, my marriage is over (hopefully soon). The situation is unbearable. She's moody and becomes physically and emotionally abusive. 4 times when trying to leave the house to escape, she's threatened suicide if I do. Or she'll break things in the house. It's totally silly. We're way too different in what we want as well. I was very dumb to enter into this situation.

Back in Sept I spoke with a lawyer to start working on a divorce, but TX has a 60 day waiting period. From past convos with her at the start of our issues, we talked about divorce, but she swings back and forth between what she says she wants, so I don't trust much that she says. I don't even know if she knows what she wants. Anyway, bringing up the divorce would just upset her and causing another episode. So after the 60 period was up and she finally just said she wouldn't sign, I dropped it and told the lawyer that she'd have to be served.

I'm a contractor in Japan, so it's kind of hard for me to just leave. I have no where to go and I can't make her get on a plane. every time we discuss divorce she seems to decide that she wants money before she'll get on a plane "because she doesn't trust me." This last time he wanted 30,000. Of course I know the legal system doesn't work that way, the court would say what I gave her, but she seems to possess no logic module.

About a week ago she went back to her home to take care of some VISA stuff, at which point I had her taken off my orders so she isn't covered by the SOFA agreement. It feels kinda shady to have to do that, but she is ridiculous and I can't handle this crap. It's seriously affected my job and I haven't made any progress on any personal goals last year.

She keeps close tabs on the money and doesn't let me keep more than a few ones in my wallet.

She is constantly thinking I am disrespecting her by looking at other women, which at this point means I have to keep my head down in public, but that not a sure way to stop her from thinking whatever.

She has a very broad definition of what flirting is. example, I'm talking to the lady at the counter about a trip we're signing up for and I guess eye contact while talking is flirting. This woman wasn't even attractive. So she tells me my "standards are getting lower." She thought the same thing when the housing lady was explaining various things about the house.

She needs a great deal of attention. If she's on the computer checking facebook and I;m playing the xbox, after about 30 minutes she'll complain about being ignored. We have to do everything together. So it basically means no friends and no hobbies.

She's belligerent and trying to explain to her that my ROTH IRA is not a waste of money goes way over her head, the general respinse being "you can't use the money once you are dead."

She takes offense sometimes at the littlest things.

The last argument happened because of something that happened at the movie theater. We were waiting for The Hobbit and were there a bit early. We were sitting there for a while and she rested her head on my shoulder and fell asleep. I overheard a conversation behind us and it made me laugh silently, so I moved my shoulders and woke her up. "Why do you have to wake me?" she says in an annoyed tone. "Sorry." Another part of the story makes me laugh. "Why do you need to wake me?" "Sorry, I overheard that joke."

Ok, so afterwards in the car home, she start on about it. Basically she thinks they were talking about her and my laughing was wrong because it was about her. They were jealous of her in some way I guess, it's all nonsensical to me. I don't really even know how to respond. She makes herself more and more mad until she's furious. You see, once angry she then begins to think of other things I did to make her angry. So, she kicks me hard in the leg while I was brushing my teeth. I'm so tired of these episodes, and it's been relatively quiet between us for a while, but I'm not staying in the house for this crap tonight.

She would likely have kept awake for 2 hours while she explains to me how shitty I am as a husband and shes super great and lots of guys like her and yadda yadda yadda christ kill me now just make her shut up and go to sleep arrrrrgh. She says she'll break stuff if I leave. I go outside but don't get in the car. I can hear her tossing things about. Finally, many months too late, I call the cops on this ****. She thinks this is the worst thing in the world a husband could do to his wife. We should keep it "in the family business."

A few times before she threatened suicide if I leave, demanding I come back inside as she waves a knife around. She says if she kills herself that I'm responsible.

The first time, she became violent I tried to restrain her from hurting herself or things, but only ended up with a scar on my arm from her nails. I now know better, the only solution is to leave the area. She says that's "running from my problems."

She's not here now, and I haven't told yet that she's off my orders and shouldn't try to come back. I should be quite happy that it's almost over as I didn't think she was going to leave for the VISA stuff after the last fight. She expressed concern that she was pregnant before she left. It's happened before and honestly, I don't know how she hadn't gotten pregnant already, so I wasn't to worried. well, she took the HPT and it came up positive and the OBGYN there said it was so. I haven't seen anything myself, but I don't know why I'm inclined to believe her.

I won't hesitate to support a child if I have one. I have no desire to support her. Ever. I needed to get some of it off my chest, because the last few days strange thoughts of trying to make it work with her, with the help of some serious marriage counseling professionals, have crept into my head. I think it's a bad idea though. I have to think about the long term for myself, even if my wife doesn't. After 18 years, then what? At first she expressed a desire to work, she got a cert to be a healthcare provider, but afterwards it seem obvious that she's got no intention of working. There's no guarantee she'll change at all.

Even if I'm guilty of all the things she says, I don't think I deserve this crap from her. Remembering it all helps dissuade those pesky thoughts of working it out away.

I gotta tell her soon that, yes we are still getting a divorce, even though you always go back to acting like nothing happened and you didn't so anything wrong. She says I deserve it for making her so mad....

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"...the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?" -Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Uggggg. Sounds like you have had your hands full.

I am not making fun here but did you ever try to have her committed? If she is waving around a weapon, claiming that she is going to kill herself you should be able to make a point of it. They should be able to hold onto her for at least 24 hours.

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Raell Kromwell

Hey, be careful man. Do whatever you have to in order to protect yourself.

On a side note, from my experience (similar to yours except instead of scars from nails on my arm during the restraint, I got a bite-shaped bruise that lasted 3 weeks) it is best to keep doing what you have been and just walk away and deal with being told you are running away from "your" problems. A physical confrontation is exactly what she is seeking.

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I'm going to go ahead and assume that this stuff is all 100% correct (I state this just because we obviously only have one side, but without being there we'd never really get another viewpoint, so it's cool). Every time she bears a weapon you need to call the police. Every time she threatens suicide you need to call a paramedic. This is for the paper trail when you hit court.

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“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.” - Thomas Paine

Not to mention not getting yourself stabbed if things get out of control (moreso than they already are).

Sorry this is going this way for you, Wwen. I hope you're able to find a way out.

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"Hysterical children shrieking about right-wing anything need to go sit in the corner and be quiet while the adults are talking."

This.

Just here to voice some support that I think you're doing the right thing. Must be tough, but I'd be surprised if anyone recommends trying to reconcile at this point. I hope the "dark days" will soon be behind you.

You can get yourself in a lot of trouble by trying to disarm a woman. You can do it, and odds are you are not going to be stabbed, but you will need to be forceful, and if you are so, you could easily hurt her.

Now, hurting her leaves evidence. Her threatening herself is your word against hers....

True, which is why he should call the paramedics. Health care first responders and emergency department staff are used to people denying they want to hurt themselves. That's why they then do a mental health evaluation.

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“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.” - Thomas Paine

Refuse direct contact with her from here in. Look to any legal services you can afford and insist on an intermediary. No good can come of meeting with her directly. Good luck Wwen.

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The U. S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself. B. Franklin

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone." -- Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

I kinda just wanted to take an inventory of my thoughts on the situation. It hasn't been all bad times in the relationship, but I don't think those work it out thoughts that crept up on me are a logical action to take. It's just harder to remember the list of grievances when she's back to sweetness itself on the phone. Maybe I have Stockholm Syndrome.

Her saying she's pregnant also made me take pause. It just feels harsh to call her on the phone and say "don't come back" now for some reason. She's with her family now though, so it's really for the best, even if she can't realize it. Her parents live next door to her house and she also has a 14yr old daughter there, as well as brothers and sisters. She's much better off there than here, where I have to go to work every day and leave her alone.

I think I just need to write down a few things that need to be said so she doesn't push me off track. A lot of the time, I feel like she misses the point of what I'm saying. I think it's a cultural difference.

While I didn't take much of the insulting things she says at heart, her opinions/feelings have worn me down over time. I need more than her opinion.

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"...the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?" -Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

I don't understand how "I'll kill myself is a threat" sounds like an acceptable solution.

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"...but there exists also in the human heart a depraved taste for equality, which impels the weak to attempt to lower the powerful to their own level and reduces men to prefer equality in slavery to inequality with freedom." - De Tocqueville

I dunno ... seems like me you've already missed a golden opportunity to dispose of her in some less reputable akachochin where things we don't want to think about might get traded. I don't say that to be dismissive of your troubles, Wwen; I simply wonder if you're suffering under an over-developed sense of guilt or responsibility.

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Yes. She makes me feel bad, when I probably shouldn't...

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"...the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?" -Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Looks like I was able to cancel her return flight.

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"...the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?" -Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

*Warning: Numbuk never coddles or puts things gently to folks in situations like this. Blunt and hard truth is what he feels is best. You have been so warned.*

You are in an abusive relationship. You are emotionally battered, and she knows exactly how to control and manipulate you.

Here's the priority list when it comes to whose emotional well-being comes first in family pecking order. This is non-negotiable and carved in the purest of adamantium. It cannot be moved, budged, fudged, or argued with.

1. You.
2. Your spouse.
3. Your Kids.

You should never sacrifice your own emotional well-being for anyone else. You should never put your kids higher than your spouse (irrelevant here, but explaining the general rule overall).

And I can tell you this: If she kills herself, it's not your fault. ESPECIALLY if you take the above advice and attempt to get some clinical help for her. If you do that, and she still kills herself, your hands are clean. It is 100% her choice and her own actions. Sure, it is never a good thing to have a loss of life, but you need to keep perspective of where guilt should and should not be.

I see this kind of relationship a lot, unfortunately. I don't know if it's just us geeky gamer men types, or if it just generally goes unreported in society at large (I think the latter) but there are a LOT of men in situations where they are the ones being abused. And a lot of times, these men are very nice guys and they figure if they take the abuse long enough, that it will get better. That they feel like they are man enough to take that much abuse.

It's not worth it. If you stick it out then she'll eventually get over her insecurities of finding someone else (her going nuts over your "flirting" is said insecurities) and then she will be the one dumping you. And, after you've been beaten down from her emotionally that long, only to be dumped, you're going to feel 10x worse because then you're going to also spend the rest of your time trying to figure out what you did wrong and blame yourself for the failed marriage. This will happen. I guarantee it. Because, again, once she's over her insecurities then she's going to realize that this marriage isn't making her happy (because she's depressed currently. pscyho, and depressed). And she will never think to herself "Maybe I should change something internally to become happy." No. She will only look to external stimuli as the answer to her depression. And most folks think marriage is it. And if it's not working, then it must be that they need a new partner.

And so it goes on and on. I cannot count how many times I've seen this, many times with close friends. It's very frustrating to watch. Especially so when the men can't see the problem themselves or claim "Oh it's not that way with me. I'm somehow magically different than those other guys." They weren't.

Long story short:

- Force her into some clinical help (they have hospitals specifically for people like her).
- Get the hell out of that relationship
- Put your own emotional well being first, because you deserve that. You are good enough, and always were good enough, to deserve that.
- Never, ever blame yourself for anything that happens afterward. You did far more than was asked and went above and beyond the call of duty.


You deserve to be happy. A relationship should always be the two people giving to each other as much as they are receiving. There are no exceptions to that. Ever.

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Les Zombis et les Loups-Garous!

I'd like to propose an alternative. Have you considered tying her up and whipping her? I think it could really do wonders in your case.

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Ah. Generally that works better when all partners are getting along well.

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Well Ali Baba had them forty thieves, Scheherezade had a thousand tales
But master you in luck 'cause up your sleeves you got a brand of magic never fails...
...Mister Aladdin, sir, What will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order, Jot it down -You ain't never had a friend like me
█ ♣ █

I believe the list is incorrect, and include my revision here:

1. Your Kids (see below).
2. You.
3. Your spouse.

My reasons for this argument have been developed after years of adversity, so they're not easily explained, but let me take a shot at summing them up...

Being born means a soul is wrenched, kidnapped even, from wherever it is souls like to hang out and forced into a material existence where there are only two absolute conditions it will be exposed to during it's existence - physical suffering and death. That's the only guarantee you have the moment you're born. You may experience happiness and good health, but it's not guaranteed.

From a purely moralistic perspective (and no other needs be examined ... without morals there would only be "1. You" in your list), having forced another being to exist, you should assume responsibility for that being until it achieves the ability of self-sufficiency.

Now, because that responsibility is complete upon the self-sufficiency of that being, that's the target one should shoot for in meeting one's responsibility... (if that logic isn't clear, I suggest thinking about it for a few years. It took that long for me to come up with it and mostly it's come about after the fact).

From my experience I offer an example:

"Son, if I gave you money to help you meet your rent this month, I'd be helping the person you are today, but royally screwing the person you'll be tomorrow by denying them the lesson they needed when it presented itself. The person you'll be tomorrow needs to live within his means, because he'll be on his own and I won't be there to help".

I always tell my kids that I'll do anything at all for the 55 year old they'll be ... the age I estimate they'll be when I pass. Ultimately, that's the person my actions are responsible for.

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In time, this too shall pass.

From a physical/material well-being standpoint, Taskiss, I would agree. From an emotional standpoint, however, a person must always put themselves before anyone else, and the spouse before the kids.

If you're sacrificing your own emotional well-being to another's, you will not only lose your own but you will eventually fail to support theirs as well. That sort of relationship cannot be maintained beyond the short term (and by short term, I mean a few months at best).

If you put your kids ahead of your spouse, your spouse will eventually start feeling that you've lost interest in them, or at worst, will start engaing in a tug-of-war for the kids' affection if they are doing the same thing and putting the kids ahead of you.

This, incidentally, is why if you have kids its always best if, when the kids disrespect one parent that the other parent do the correction. Not only does it avoid simply devolving into an argument, but it shows that the parents are united and care for each other.

Numbuk, you're absolutely right about abusive relationships, and unfortunately it's very very hard for anyone to leave an abusive relationship. We've become excessively focused on the idea of a tormented woman living with a wife-beating spouse or boyfriend to the point where any other pattern of abuse is either relegated to minor importance (women who are abused nonphysically by their partners), placed in a "separate" category of abuse (child abuse, elder abuse), or ignored altogether (practically all abuse directed at either adult males, or between adults of the same sex, or between adult family members who are not romantically partners; i.e. 2 brothers sharing a house).

Men get very used to the idea that if abuse is occurring, they're the ones doing it early on, and so does everyone else. It's therefore very hard for men to either seek or get help for that reason, including helping themselves. It isn't just men being abused by women, either. Try being an old man getting beat up by your grandson. The local DV advocate is likely to say something like "oh it's just two men, they can fight it out and the cops can call it disorderly conduct". Or try getting taken seriously as a lesbian couple by anyone other than a trained psychologist. Practically everyone, even other gay people, are likely to think it's hilarious that you had a "cat fight" over the shampoo or something like that.

Wwen, DFK! gave you some sage advice. Every time there's violence, even breaking things, call the police. Every time there's a suicide threat, call an ambulance. If she threatens to hurt herself and say you did it, call the police right then and there and describe what she did exactly. Abusive women generally figure out pretty fast that the legal system favors them, and use it as a weapon. The best counter to that is being the one to get the police involved; it makes it very hard to claim you're beating her or anything like that if you're the one calling the cops.

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"Hysterical children shrieking about right-wing anything need to go sit in the corner and be quiet while the adults are talking."

Putting myself first requires that I put my kids and spouse first. I could not achieve any semblance of happiness otherwise. Which is weird, because before I had kids I was very independent.

Welp, it seems like I'm finally free of her physical presence. It's a huge weight off my shoulders. My mother told me I sounded much better over the phone.

Question though, how soon do they do ultrasounds? She sent a message saying she was going to go have one, but she said the OBGYN said she'd be due about Sept, so she's only like a month in. It sounds shady to me. If she comes back later and says she knows if it's a boy/girl I'm going to call BS.

I definitely want to see medical records and bills telling me what is going on. I'll consult my lawyer as well. I've defended her a lot in the past, but I think I need to seriously consider that she's been taking me for a ride.

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"...the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?" -Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

It's been long enough that I forget, exactly, but I don't think they will generally perform an ultrasound prior to about 7 weeks. There's an ultrasound at around 20 weeks to determine gender (which is near the earliest point that gender can be determined).

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So not get yourself trapped in an abusive relationship just because she's pregnant. In fact, if she is pregnant, and it's yours, get custody of the child. Don't do child support. Try to get the child. If you're telling the truth, she's crazy and has no business raising a child. Now, there are two sides to every story, and that's why we have justices of the peace.

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Buckle your pants or they might fall down.

Yeah, if it's so and it's mine, I'd prefer that. My mother raised me mostly alone until I left. Having to sacrifice for a kid isn't an issue, doing so for the adult kid was wearing really thin.

However, my wife is in the Philippines, so they don't really have do to anything for me. IMO, it's in her best interest to let me take care of it, but who knows how she;ll see it.

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"...the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?" -Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn