The Glade 4.0

Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito:

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with **** ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A **** CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all **** day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE **** EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a **** Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a **** pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY **** WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some **** into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like **** corn on the cob. Like a **** typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN **** EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE **** CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER **** SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a **** pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even **** think I’m about to open this **** up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY **** MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU **** SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO **** TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS **** BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY **** BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A **** fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE **** COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a **** wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS ****’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT ****, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called **** HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m **** sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

I'm still trying to figure out how you would construct such a thing. Best I can work out, you make a tube and then drop the items in.

In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. - George Carlin

My main problem with that diagram, other than the layering, is that the burrito has rice in it.

That's how you get a full sized burrito, without overloading it with beans.

You lay everything on the burrito, rotate it 90 degrees and then roll it.

No one local to the SoCal / Tijuana area puts either rice or beans in their burritos. A [carne/pollo] asada burrito order here is default 90% meat, 5% salsa, 5% guacamole. Rice and beans only come on the side if you get a combo plate. I can appreciate that you guys do it differently in Texas, but man, there's nothing more disappointing than biting into a burrito and getting a mouth full of filler.